Thoughts II: Wired Thoughts by Leigh Alexander leigh_xf@geocities.com First posted: November 25, 1996 RATING: G CATEGORY: VA SPOILERS: Wetwired KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully friendship SUMMARY: Scully wonders if she really does hold Mulder to blame. DISCLAIMERS: 1) Dana and Fox belong to Chris and Ten Thirteen Productions and the other Fox. Absolutely *no* copyright infringement is intended - I'm not doing this for money, I'm doing it for love. I *love* these characters, I wouldn't want to hurt them! :) 2) OK to archive, but if it's going anywhere other than Gossamer, please drop me a line just so I can keep track. 3) Feel free to distribute and discuss this, as long as my name and addy remain attached. INTRO: This is the second story in a new series, "Thoughts". The first was called "Thoughts on a Rainy Day", but if you haven't read that one it doesn't matter in the slightest, as the two stories stand alone. Their common thread is that they are both written in the first person from Scully's POV. This is a difficult and challenging genre, and I can only hope that I've vaguely drawn something that bears a resemblance to the Scully we all know.:) If you think that she is out of character in any way, do let me know - I really would like to hear any feedback on that issue. :) Thanks to Lorrie, Melissa and Sarah for their great editing help. Their individual input has helped this story a lot, and I'm really grateful to them for volunteering to do this task. :) And thanks again to Kelsey for being so generous. :) In case you haven't guessed from the title, this story is set after "Wetwired" - one of my favourite episodes of season three, and the whole show. :) It makes me absolutely sick to think that an actor of the calibre of GA is being threatened with the sack for pursuing an equal pay deal, and if Scully is ever killed off, I am boycotting the show! This story is dedicated to the wondrous Gillian Anderson - my hero. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts II: Wired Thoughts ---------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know what happened last night. I scared myself more than I would have ever thought possible. I was so sure that Mulder was out to get me, that he was the one responsible for my abduction and for Melissa's death. I don't even know how I could think these things. Mulder told me what the Gunmen had found out about that device. He explained it in clear, rational terms that should have easily relieved my guilt and horror. And yet I find it hard to relax with the knowledge. When I first put forward the idea of the role of television in the murders, I never really considered the impact in detail. I never thought about what it would feel like to have your entire world turned upside down merely because of the influence of television. Even though I experienced it myself, I still can't believe my original theory. Nor can I completely swallow Mulder's idea about subliminal messages. But if neither theory explains my actions, what does? Am I so desperate for someone to blame that I'll choose my closest ally as the target of my anger? Or is the answer even more insidious? I know the subconscious mind can hold many secrets. Is it possible that there is some part of me that does blame Mulder for what has happened to me? As much as the idea offends the rational part of my mind, I can't help noticing the appeal it holds for my emotional side - the side that I rarely listen to, the side I push away and ignore when it becomes too loud. The thought gives me no pleasure. In fact it scares me. This fear grips me more tightly and more painfully than any physical fear I've ever had. I don't want to blame Mulder. I can't blame him - he's not responsible for what's happened to me... But even as I say that, I still feel that fear. The fear which is compounded with small memories that are pushing their way into my mind as I lie here in my drab hospital gown with the sounds of hospital movement circling around me. The sounds that remind me of the other hospital. The hospital where I woke up with the face of Duane Barry imprinted in my mind... But that wasn't Mulder's fault. Even though he gave me the vial. He couldn't have known what was going to happen. I can't blame him for that. I *don't* blame him for that. Or Melissa's death... Oh God, am I losing my mind? How can I even think these things? How can I possibly hold Mulder responsible for these heinous acts? He's the only one I trust. At least, I thought he was. "You're the only one I trust." That's what he said. I remember that clearly. You're the only one I trust... You're the only one I trust... You're the only one I trust... Until now, I have placed my faith in his trust. Relied on it. Depended on it. Taken comfort from it. Drawn my strength from it. But now I have to question the validity of this trust. I thought I trusted him with my life, but last night I tried to kill him. What kind of trust is that? And if I can't trust myself, how can I expect anyone else to trust me? But losing that trust would be like losing part of myself. Working with Mulder, pursuing the X-Files, is so much more than a job for me. I can't imagine not doing it. More than that, I actually like working with Mulder. When he's not dismissing my theories or running off on his own, we get along well. I don't think there are many agents out there who would be able to go through the daily battles and struggles that we do and still come out the other side unscathed. And I'm proud of that. Rarely in my life have I encountered anyone with such intelligence who still treats me as an equal. Which makes my accusations all the more awful. I find myself coming back time and time again to the same things. Working on the X-Files is such an integral part of my life now. It is impossible not to question its impact. Before I began working with Mulder I had a life. Now, my life is my work. And yet, I am satisfied. In concentrating on my work, I can forget those painful memories that would otherwise pursue me every day and make my life a misery. I need to work to move on with my life. I have to rely on that strength to get me through this time, just as it has in the past. I need to work. ~ THE END ~ ------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome. leigh_xf@geocities.com