Falstaff's
"Joke
of the Week"
I would like
to thank Charles Benner for his contributions to this page.
Your contributions are welcome!
Please email them to:
wf_arpeggio@yahoo.com
The Jackass
For all of you who occasionally have a really
bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad
day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know! Now
get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once
more answered, I yelled, You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer,
and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer
me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced
caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop
calling the jackass. Then one day I had an
idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the salesoffice of the telephone company and I'm just calling
to see if you're familiarwith our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this
story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you,
you can do something about it. Just dial 555-5555.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her
time pulling out of the parkingspace.I didn't think she was ever going
to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty
of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All
of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy, I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I
thought to myself, this guy's a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of
his car.I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting
at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and
yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I
have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call
this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the
phone and said,"Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro
for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's
a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number
to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better
for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call.
Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to but I gave the problem some serious
thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't
hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!"
and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the
police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel
13 about the gang war going on down W. 34thStreet.
After that I climbed into my car and headed
over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking
the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter,
I taped it off the evening news.
Thanks to Cara Cohon for contributing
this story.