Attack of the Nerds!

By Lioncat84

 

            The two warriors glared at each other.  One of them had fought long and hard for this day, and the other had fought just as hard to avoid it.  Unfortunately for him, their confrontation was as inevitable as the rising of the sun. 

            The sun beat down on the two, reflecting off of their plate armor and the weapons they carried.  One of the warriors wore white armor, with a gauntlet facing upward proudly emblazoned on his chest.  The other wore black, with a skull centered in the middle of a purple starburst, emblazoned just as blatantly on his own.

            “Foul servant of Cyric!  Torm the True shall win the day!  He has carried me through hard times and tribulation, and he shall deliver you into my hand on this glorious day of confrontation!”  The noble paladin’s voice was truly a thing of beauty.

            “Roland, you are a fool.  Death shall come to us all.  It makes no difference when it happens.  I have no fear.  The Dark Sun shall prevail.”

            “Hey, wait a minute.  You follow Cyric, not Kelemvor.  That’s outside his portfolio.”

            As the paladin protested, his adversary took the opportunity to knock his greatsword out of his hands.  Victorious, the black knight took a mighty swing and decapitated his enemy.

            “Heh.  Evil shall always triumph, because good is dumb.”

 

***

 

            “Hey!  No fair!  I wasn’t in character when I was saying that!”  Norman stared at his friend Rob, his left eye beginning to slowly twitch.

            “You should have specified.  How am I supposed to know when you’re in character and when you aren’t?  Besides, at least this gives you a chance to roll up a new character,” Rob said innocently.

            “Damnit!  You know how much I hate creating characters.  Besides which, you only rolled a 15!  My armor class is 20!”

            “Normally, yes, but I caught you flat-footed.  Your flat-footed AC is only 17, and I rolled a critical hit.  Your paladin’s as dead as they come.”

            “No, he isn’t, because he never got distracted.  I said that, and I was out of character.”

            “We’ve already discussed this, stupid.  I say you should specify that, and I’m the Dungeon Master, so what I say goes.”  Rob paused as he noticed Norman’s eye was twitching very quickly now.  “Er, what’s wrong with your eye?”

            “Nothing.  Absolutely nothing,” Norman said slowly.

            “Are you sure, man?  It’s really creepy-looking.”

            “Oh, it only twitches when I’m angry,” Norman said, and tackled Rob.  The two rolled around on the floor for a while until Norman’s fourteen-year old brother, Jason, came into the room.

            “Dude, I always knew you two were gay, but I always thought you’d try to hide it a little better,” he said, cracking up.

            Norman got up and started cleaning up all the dice they had scattered.  “Ha ha, very funny.  Now what the hell do you want?”

            “Mom says she ordered pizza, and Rob is welcome to eat as much of it as he wants.  Though it looks to me like he’d rather eat something else…”

            Norman threw a pewter figure at Jason.  “Thanks, brat.  Come on, let’s go grab some pizza.”  Rob and Norman shuffled out of the den.

 

***

 

            Norman and Rob returned to find Jason flipping through their roleplaying books.

            “Hey, what do you think you’re doing with my Player’s Handbook?”  Rob yelled.

            “Oh, I’m just trying to understand freaks.  For school and such.  Say, can I borrow this since you both have one?”

            Rob sighed.  “Would it make you leave us alone if I did?”

            “Yeah, probably.  For a little while, anyway,” Jason said in a sing-song voice.

            “Then have fun.” 

            Jason ran out of the room giggling as the two friends sat down and resumed their argument.  About an hour later they reached an agreement.

            “Alright, fine, I’ll let your paladin live, but you have to start over at Level 1 and suffer a permanent penalty due to your injuries.  How about… -4 to all spot and awareness checks?”

            Norman considered the offer.  “Alright, fine.  I’ll just get some medicine to take care of that.”

            Rob smiled evilly.  “That’s fine by me.  But you should know that medicines have side effects.”

            “Like?”

            “-4 to all spot and awareness checks.”

            “You evil son-of-a-bi-,” Norman started to say, but the sight of Jason coming in the door brandishing a character sheet stopped him.

            “Hey guys!  I finished my character!  Check him out,” Jason said happily.

            Norman and Rob just stared at each other.  “No way,” Norman said simply.

“You… want… to play with us?”  Rob asked in bewilderment.

            “Yeah.  What’s the big problem?  The book says it’s supposed to be a social game.  So let me play.”

            “I don’t have too much of a problem with it, I guess,” Rob said, and noticing Norman’s betrayed look, added in an undertone, “Hey, don’t forget, I’m the Dungeon Master.  I can make his life a living hell.”

            “Oh, all right,” Norman said.  “Let me see that character.”  Jason silently handed him the sheet.  Norman let out a low whistle in response, and handed the sheet to Rob.

            “Yikes.  This barbarian you’ve created is a monster.  Were you honest with these rolls?”  Jason looked at Rob and silently nodded his head.  “Okay, you’re in.  But now that we have another player, what’s stopping us from getting more?  I never thought anyone else was interested before, but if this little pissant here finds it interesting, I’m sure we can get others interested.  Norm, ask your friends and I’ll do the same.  Hell, you should ask some of your friends, Jason, but make sure they’re all a lot less annoying than you.”

            “Gee, thanks,” Jason replied, but nobody was paying attention to him anymore.

 

***

 

            A week later, a diverse group of people met in Norman’s den.  Norman, Rob, and Jason were there, and were joined by Timothy, a mutual friend of Norman and Rob; Michelle, Timothy’s girlfriend; Wedge, a perennially sickly friend of Norman’s; Brittany, a girl Jason pretended not to like; and Chris, a college student whom Wedge had met at the hospital.

            “Alright, most of you are new, so you’re going to have to create a character.  It may seem overwhelming at first, but you’ll get the hang of it.  We only have two Player’s Handbooks, so you’re going to have to share.  If it’s not your turn, we have a Red vs. Blue DVD, so you can watch that while you wait,” Norman told the group.

            Chris and Timothy nodded to each other.  “Hey, Chris and I have done this before, so can we go first and show them how to do it?  It’ll make it a lot easier,” Timothy suggested.

            “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Rob said as he put the DVD into the player.

 

An hour later…

 

            Norman and Rob were engrossed in the hilarious antics of the Blue Team when Chris tapped them on the shoulder.  “Hey, we’re done now.”

            “Excellent.  Alright, let’s get started,” Rob said.

            It was a typical day for the Copper Coronet, a tavern deep in the heart of Athkatla, the capital of Amn.  Typical, that is, until Roland Greenleaf, half-elven paladin of Torm, strode through the door.

            “My name is Roland Greenleaf.  I seek companions for a noble quest to rid Amn of her wandering vermin.  It won’t be easy, but the compensation in riches and glory will be great.  Who will join me?”

            “Are we, like, supposed to join him, or what?” Brittany asked.

            “That’s totally up to you.  But it’d be awfully boring if we all just drank in the bar,” Norman told her.

            “Ooh!  Ooh!  I’ll join you, brave sir knight,” exclaimed a serving wench, whose name tag proclaimed her to be Helga.

            “You?  What skills do you bring to the table?”

            “I can serve drinks, and fight off men who get too fresh.”

            “You have facility in unarmed combat?  Very well, you may follow on my quest.  Anyone else?”

            “I will join you as well,” said a musician on the stage.  He held his stand-up bass proudly.  “My music will inspire courage into our hearts and fear into our enemies!”

            “What, like a bass guitar can play songs all by itself?  I’m sorry, I don’t buy it,” Michelle said, snickering.

            “So you’d prefer if I played something wussy like a lute?  Very well, lute it is.  Now I have to change my name too.  Oh well,” Chris said resignedly.

            “Hey, why am I holding a bass guitar?  I certainly don’t play any instruments that manly!  Edward of Damcyan pledges his lute to your cause.”

            “Did somebody mention loot?  I’m in,” said a shadowy figure in the corner of the room.

            “Am I to guess that your talents lie in the acquisition of ill-gotten gains, stranger?”  Roland asked warily.

            “It may be a hobby of mine.  But my talents lie with sneaking around, finding money in unexpected places, and stabbing things in the back.”

            “Our enemies, you mean?”

            The thief coughed.  “Oh, but of course, good sir Greenleaf.”

            “Very well, you may accompany me.  By what name are you known?”

            “There are some who call me…Tim.”

            “Nice.”  Wedge said appreciatively.  “You just gotta have Monty Python references!”

            “Thank you, Wedge.  I aim to please,” Timothy replied.

            “Will no one else stand and fight with me?” Roland asked the crowd.  He received only stony silence.  “So be it.  Bartender, give me your strongest drink!”

            “Are you sure you want to do that?” Rob asked.

            “Sure, why not?  How strong can it be?”  Norman said, shrugging.

            “Okay.  Roll your twenty-sided die.”

            Norman complied with a roll of his d20.  “I got a 20,” he reported.

            “Hmm, and what’s your constitution modifier again?”

            “I have a +3,” Norman said, realizing that he might have made a terrible mistake.

            “Okay, that’s what I thought.”  Rob said.

            Roland took the cup the bartender gave him and drained it in one chug.  Almost immediately, his noble demeanor began to shatter under the alcohol’s relentless attack.  In a few minutes, he lost the war and wandered over to a dwarf.

            “Hey, shorty.  Let me tell you exactly why you dwarvesssh shhhuck.  First of all, you’re at exactly the right height for it.  Shecond, you’re not fooling anyone by acting sho tough all the time.  Third- AAAAAAAAAA!”  Roland screamed as the dwarf got up and headbutted him in the groin.  The bar patrons quickly began fighting, because, hey, any excuse was good enough.

            Edward picked up the bass guitar he had been holding earlier and broke it over someone’s head.  Helga picked her serving tray off of the table and hit a patron upside the head with it.  Tim just watched until someone was knocked unconscious, and then went through their pockets.  Things were starting to look bad for Roland, who spent the majority of the fight on the floor, in the fetal position, while blows rained down upon him from the enraged dwarf.  As Roland was beginning to black out, he heard strange words being spoken in an unearthly dialect, and the dwarf fell off of him, asleep.  Roland crawled to his feet to meet his savior, a tall elf holding a quarterstaff.

            “Thanksh, shtranger,” Roland said, and passed out.

            The bar fight was beginning to resolve itself, as the patrons were inevitably knocked out.  Roland’s savior glanced at the situation, then said some more words in his strange language.  Roland woke up, and felt his drunken haze vanish.

            “Ugh, that’s the last time I ask for the strongest drink in a place like this.  Thank you for your help, wizard.”

            “You’re welcome.  I enjoyed it, to tell the truth.”

            “You seem like a good enough sort, Mr…”

            “Biggs,” the wizard interjected.

“Thank you.  As I was saying, Biggs, why didn’t you volunteer to join in my quest?

            “Quest?  I’m sorry, I must have been in the outhouse when you came in.  I wasn’t feeling very well, you understand.  So what’s this about a quest?

            “I am on a quest to rid Amn of her vermin, be they orc, hobgoblin, kobold, or human.  You have proven yourself worthy.”

            The wizard considered the offer.   “Oh, what the hell, I don’t have anything better to do.”

            “Good.  Now I would suggest we get some rest.  We leave tomorrow.”

 

***

 

            “Alright, we should take a break for now, since I’m hungry,” Rob told the group.

            “Hey!  No fair!  I haven’t been introduced yet,” Michelle protested.

            “Me neither,” Jason whined.

            “Hey, don’t worry about it.  We’ll take care of that after we eat.  Want to order pizza?”

            “Of course.  It isn’t roleplaying without pizza,” Chris pointed out, while Norman and Timothy nodded their agreement.  The group headed to the kitchen.

            “Where’s the Mountain Dew?”  Wedge asked.

            “Probably in the fridge, where it always is,” Jason replied.

            “Actually, no.  I don’t like that stupid Yeti Pee, and I’m the one who bought drinks, so all we have is Code Red, Dr. Pepper, and Pepsi.”

            “I hope you, like, bought diet for all of us who are concerned about our, like, figure and stuff,” Brittany whined.

            The rest of the group stared at her, before bursting into laughter. 

            “Our figures!  That’s a good one,” Chris said, gasping for air.

            “Man, you have a lot to learn,” Michelle told her.

            “Stop, you’re killing me,” Rob said.

            “Seriously though, your girlfriend there is a comic genius, Jason,” Timothy said.

            Jason reddened.  “Maybe you should just drink some water,” he told Brittany.

            “Water?!  Do you have any idea what they add to the water?”

            “Er, a lot of stuff.  So?”

            “Normally, this would be the cue for a nerd culture reference, but I don’t think Valley Girl over there would get the reference,” Michelle said.

            “I suppose I could say it, though,” Norman suggested.  “It’s all part of the global Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.”

            “Meh.  It loses its effect when it isn’t spontaneous,” Wedge pointed out insightfully.

            “Ewwwwww!  Like, bodily fluids?  Gross!”  Brittany screamed.

            “Heh.  I like this girl.  Jason, you definitely know how to pick them,” Norman taunted.

            “I know!  Let’s figure out what kind of pizza we want!”  Jason said, a little too quickly.

            “Yeah, alright.  I say we get a couple of Meat Lover’s pizzas, or whatever they’re called, and I’m paying, so that’s that,” Norman said.  “Any complaints?”

            The only dissenting voice was Brittany, but that was expected, so the call was made.

 

***

 

            The sun rises bright and true on Athkatla this morn.  Lathander worshipers everywhere proclaim it to be the most perfect dawn ever seen, but they always claim that, so you can safely ignore them.  The party leaves the Copper Coronet and heads for the city gates.  Next to the gates, a half-orc barbarian calls for their attention.

            “CLOAK MAN.  ME WANT SPEAK!”

            “Me?” Tim asked.

            “YES, YOU.  WHERE GROUP WANT GO?

            “Wherever fate and Lady Tymora takes us!”  Edward replied.

            “ME NO ASK WIMPY LUTE MAN.  ME ASK PRETTY ONE!”

            “You mean me?” Helga asked.

            “I ASK THIS ONE,” the barbarian said, grabbing Tim and embracing him.

            Struggling to breathe, Tim said that what the bard said was true.

            “WILL YOU GET KILL THINGS?”

            “Yeah.  And then what was theirs becomes mine!  Er, ours!” Tim said, dreamily.

            “ME GO WHERE PRETTY THIEF MAN GO.”

            “He’s about as bad as the guys in the tavern.  Well, maybe not quite as bad,” Helga said.

            “Sniffle.  I could write a ballad about the two,” Edward said, strumming his lute.

            “Okay, you’d better just be a good roleplayer.  But I know that every player puts a little of themselves into their character.  Anything you’d like to tell us all?”  Timothy asked Jason.

            “I thought it would be funny, that’s all,” Jason said.

            “Well, you’re right for once, little bro.  This is hilarious.”

            “We could always use another sword arm, especially one that can keep an eye on the thief.  You are welcome to join my group,” Roland decided.

            “ME GRUUMSH, AND ME HAPPY AT LAST.”

            The group continued through the gates, and into the wilderness.  Progress was brisk, but eventually they met a ranger.

            “HALT!  Be you friend or foe?”  The ranger asked them.

            “You know, we can’t actually answer that question unless I know who you are, Michelle,” Tim said.

            “I know, but that’s what people always say when they meet a stranger in this type of situation.”

            “I guess I’m friend.  Why, are you running a popularity contest?”  Roland quipped.

“My name is Katherine.  Poachers have been roaming these woods, killing innocent little kitties.  I can tolerate their evil no longer.”

            “Hey, did you know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?”

            “YES.  We’ve heard it before,” Rob said, unimpressed.

            “Oh.  Well, I just thought you should know.  Please, think about the kittens.”

            “Killing cute little animals?  I certainly can’t tolerate such evil acts!  I will help you in any manner possible, m’lady,” Tim said, red-faced.

            “Thank you very much.  Your help would be appreciated very much, handsome knight,”

            “Please, call me Tim,” Tim said as he kissed her hand.

            “And you can call me Kitty,” Katherine replied.

            Gruumsh looked on sadly.  “ME NO LIKE WHERE THIS GOING.”

 

***

 

            That night, the party slept soundly.  All except for one…

            Gruumsh moved as silently as possible when one is a seven-foot tall half-orc who is less than gifted in the intelligence department.  Quietly enough that he caught Tim off-guard as he shoved a piece of cloth in his mouth, grabbed him bedroll and all, and carried him to the woods away from the party.

             Gruumsh set him down gently and began to take his trousers down.  That was when he noticed the kobolds watching him.  With a cry of rage, he picked Tim up and hurled him at the pack of kobolds.

            “Thanks a lot, Jason.  Rob, can I get my arms free and pull out my rapier?”

            “Yeah.  Jason, you do an attack roll first.”

            Jason rolled his d20.  “I got a 15,” he reported.

            “Tim, roll for damage.”

            Timothy rolled a normal six-sided die.  “6, plus two for my strength, plus I think I should get extra for being thrown.”

            “Add Gruumsh’s strength modifier as well.  That gives you… +6?  Poor kobold.”

            Tim sailed through the air, managing to get his rapier out.

            “MEDOOOOOKEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!!”

            The thief’s rapier landed straight and true in the skull of one of the kobolds.  He immediately got up, retrieved his weapon, and began fighting.  Gruumsh joined the fray, and the rest of the party, awakened by Tim’s battle cry, reinforced them.

            Helga grabbed a kobold and tossed it at another.  Katherine became a whirlwind with her longsword in her right hand and her freakishly long fingernails on her left.  Roland cut a path of carnage with his greatsword.  Biggs paused, thinking, and attempted to cast Fire1.

            “Um, hate to burst your bubble, but that’s from Final Fantasy, not D&D.  Try again, with something from the right game,” Rob respectfully suggested.

            “Er, how about Knights of the Round?”  Wedge suggested.

            Norman groaned.  “First, that’s also from Final Fantasy.  Seven, to be exact.  Secondly, that’s a very high level spell, and you’re only Level 1.  Cast Magic Missile or something.”

            “Meteo?”

            “Don’t make me go Zelda on you,” Timothy cautioned.

            The wizard finally settled on a proper spell, and cast Burning Hands, narrowly missing hitting Edward, who was standing in front of a kobold, swinging his longsword and missing while the kobold simultaneously swung his shortsword and kept missing.  This continued long after the rest of the kobolds were dead, until finally Edward managed to lose his grip on his sword during his back swing.  It sailed through the air and desecrated the corpse of a kobold.

“Nice hit there, ace.  Shame it’s already dead,” Jason snickered.

            Sighing, the paladin drew his shortbow and picked the kobold off.

 

***

 

            “Well, I think we should call it a day.  Good session, everyone,” Rob said, yawning.  “What time is it, anyway?”

            Brittany checked her Hello Kitty watch.  “It’s, like, 3:30 in the morning.  Is this normal?”

            “Actually, that’s pretty early for a D&D session,” Chris answered.

            “Oh.  Well, it was… a lot more fun than I thought it would be.  What did the rest of you think?”

            “To tell the truth, I’ve secretly wanted to try it for a while.  I mean, I liked Lord of the Rings, so I figured I already had nerd tendencies.  Now I know it to be true,” Jason admitted.  Michelle and Wedge nodded their agreement.

            “So, does that mean we should do this again?” Rob asked.

            “Definitely,” everyone said in unison.

            And so the nerds picked up a few more converts.  They knew most people would like roleplaying if they just gave it a chance, and it was proven true once more.  And so the pocket protector and glasses industries continued to flourish.

 

Clues for the Clueless

 

Contained within this story were numerous references to places and deities that might not be familiar to you.  In the spirit of Christmas, I (Lioncat) have decided to offer a glossary for you, since I’m just that generous.

Cyric: Cyric, also known as the Prince of Lies, the Dark Sun, and the Black Sun, is the god of murder, lies, intrigue, deception, and illusion.  He’s not very nice.

Torm: Torm, also known as The True, the True Deity, and the Loyal Fury, is the god of duty, loyalty, and obedience.  He’s wildly popular among paladins and other goody-two-shoes.

Kelemvor: Kelemvor, also known as Lord of the Dead and Judge of the Damned, is the god of death and the dead.  He is a neutral deity, since death comes to all, be they good or evil.

Red vs. Blue: Red vs. Blue is just plain hilarious.  That’s all you need to know.

Athkatla: Athkatla is the capital of the trading kingdom of Amn, in the Forgotten Realms.

Amn: Amn is a trading kingdom in the Forgotten Realms.  Its capital is Athkatla.

Copper Coronet: The Copper Coronet is the largest and shadiest tavern in Athkatla.  It is infamous for the sordid goings-on of its backrooms, including gladiatorial combat, slave trading, and illegal drug use.

Lathander: Lathander, the Morninglord, is the god of athletics, birth, creativity, dawn, renewal, self-perfection, spring, vitality, and youth.  His clerics enjoy watching the sun rise and other hippie crap.

Tymora: Tymora, also known as Lady Luck, the Lady Who Smiles, and Our Smiling Lady, is the goddess of good fortune, skill, victory, and adventurers.  One of the more fun-loving and mischievous deities, she is venerated by bards and gamblers as well.

Forgotten Realms: The most popular campaign setting for Dungeons and Dragons games to take place.  Created by a man named Ed Greenwood.

 

I hope this is enough; I did try my best to make this story appeal to a wide range of readers.