2. When I was at the nursing home, I saw an old man who had fallen out of his rocking chair and couldn’t get back up. I said, "Ha ha! Look at that guy. He’s off his rocker." No one seemed to think it was very funny.
3. I’ve always wanted to shoot my boss in the head, but then I thought, "No, it would probably get blood on his shirt, and he’d make me pay the cleaning bill.
4. I’ve always wondered if innocent bystanders are really as "innocent" as they’re made out to be.
5. If a person had diarrhea 90% of the time, then it would actually be irregular for them to be regular.
6. The other day, a guy told me that I was magnanimous, so I punched him. It made me feel good. When I got home, I looked up the word "magnanimous," and I didn’t feel quite as good anymore, but I still felt pretty good.
7. Wouldn’t it be terrible if your neighbors’ gas line blew up, their house burned to the ground, and they all died?--And you didn’t see it because you were in the shower.
8. I think it would be great to see the expression on the face of a man with no arms when I give him a Clapper for Christmas. Of course, I’d never really do that. He’d never be able to open it.
9. I used to spend hours at my window looking at a tower with a light on top of it and contemplating, "Why is that tower there?" Then suddenly, it struck me--"They need the tower to get to the light on top in case it ever goes out."
10. Once, I tried to lie my way out of something, and my dad said to me, "Do you think I fell off the turnip truck yesterday?" I said, "Of course not. When you were born, they didn’t even have turnip trucks." and somehow I was in more trouble than I had been before.
11. If you ever want to drive your dog crazy, take him outside and play fetch with a boomerang.
12. I thought that I was bad when I got a lump of coal in my stocking, but last year I must’ve been really bad, because Santa lit the piece of coal that he put in my stocking.
13. When I hold a newborn baby, I get a warm glow inside. I also get that exact same feeling after I’ve eaten a couple of burritos.
14. Most people say that you should rake and burn your leaves in the fall, but don’t listen to them. Save yourself a lot of work and skip the raking--just burn ‘em.
15. I sure would hate to be the person who had the job of sifting through the air in order to figure the pollen count.
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