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2. If I ever create a miracle formula that keeps people from stealing things, I’m going to call it Klepto-bismal. (It’ll be pink too.)
3. I want to be like the antelope of the plains, the lions of the savanna, and yes, even the monkeys in the trees-I want to run around naked.
4. You shouldn’t throw a big surprise party for an old man on his 100th birthday, because you might scare him, and he’d have a heart attack and fall into the cake or even knock over the punch, and that would be bad if the punch got spilled.
5. Living on a farm with lots of animals makes sex a lot easier to explain to your kids.
6. If a polar bear was albino, how could you tell? Oh wait, it would have pink eyes, wouldn’t it? OK then, if there was a polar bear with pink eye, how could you tell if it was albino or not?
7. I’m never committing suicide, and you know why? Because if things ever get so bad that someone has to die, it’s sure not going to be me.
8. I could sense the doom as soon as I heard Mom start up the floor sucker. I ran downstairs, but it was too late to save my colony of mini metal spheres that lived in Rug World. The clamor, clang and clatter of the mini metal spheres in the floor sucker was such a ghastly racket. I was horrified, but all that Mom could do was scream, "David, why are your BB’s all over the carpet?! Now they’re in my sweeper!" (That’s what Mom called the floor sucker.)
9. I bet that a common mistake the ancient conquerors made was to mix up Macedonia with mass hysteria. Those silly conquerors! As if overthrowing a country, plundering their cities and subjugating their people wouldn’t cause a little mass hysteria anyway.
10. Kids today complain when they have to find a needle in a haystack. HA! What a cinch! Back when I was young, grandpa had a stack of needles. He’d bury a piece of hay in it and tell us that if we found it, we could have supper. One time we found it, but there was no supper, and we had to eat the hay. I think that’s when we finally put grandpa in the home.
11. Home is where you hang your enemies.
12. Aquagarboffphilia: the desire to have one's clothes pulled off by rushing water. I invented that term, but I don't know anyone who has the condition. I certainly don't have it. Really, I don't.
13. If a pyromaniac is bad, dies and goes to Hell; that's not fair. What kind of punishment is that?
14. If we could all just learn to use The Force, then remote controls would become obsolete.
15. How do deaf people whisper to each other? Do they make tiny, little signs with their fingertips right in front of each others' eyes?
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