"It Sucks When..." Comments
By Greg Bender, David Gregory, and Ted Baxter
Volume I
It really sucks when you try to pull a hair off of someone’s shirt, and it’s still attached to their head. It sucks when you’re watching a bloody, gory movie, and you think it’s a horror movie, and it turns out to be one of those South African culture shows. It sucks when you throw up, and it feels like your intestines are coming up too, and then they do! It sucks when you tell a joke that bombs so bad that 100’s of people die because of it, and it is declared a terrorist attack. It sucks when curiosity kills your dog. It sucks when you’re having one of those dreams where you’re at school in only your underwear, and then you realize--IT’S NOT A DREAM! It sucks when you are egging a car, then you realize, "hey--that’s my car!" It sucks when you’re at a baseball game eating a hot dog and a guy yells, "Damn you Lorena, that was mine!" It sucks when you really have to go to the bathroom, and there are "Out of Order" signs on all the stalls. It sucks when a girl rags, and it runs down her legs and makes them red, then she says that she has a real bad sunburn. That really sucks! It sucks when you’re wearing a pacemaker, and you forget to take it off before you go swimming. It really sucks when your english class is so damn boring that you have to make up "It really sucks" comments! It sucks when you can’t remember...It sucks when you can’t remember...Forget it!! I can’t remember what the hell I was going to say! It sucks when your imaginary friend runs away to play with someone else. It sucks when your dog kills curiosity, then cats the cat! It sucks when you lock yourself out of your car and your house, and the dog won’t let you in! It sucks when your cow gets out of the barn, runs through Spain, jumps over the moon, wins the Indy 500, then returns home without bringing you any souvenirs. It really sucks when you see a mouse caught in a trap, and you say, "Hey, I had dibs on that cheese." It sucks when you have to vomit to have a nice, warm meal, but then again, you are recycling. It sucks when all you have to eat your soup with is a fork because the dish ran away with the spoon. It sucks that you can’t sue a dog for sexual harassment or rape when it screws your leg. It sucks when you see a mouse in a mousetrap and you say, "I’m glad that’s not me." It sucks when someone puts a sign on the toilet that says, "Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be done today." It sucks when your date embarrasses you by complaining to the waitress that her straw is upside down. It sucks when you have a cold, but you’re hot. It sucks when you have déjávu. It sucks when you have déjávu. It sucks when you think that your english teacher is giving you your percent, but it’s really the number of points that you have out of 500. It sucks when you try to kill your cat, and you hit your wife. It really sucks when you try to kill your wife, and you kill your cat! It sucks when you’re in that group of people that "you can fool all of the time." It sucks when you get a ringing in your ear, and you find out that some idiot has shoved an alarm clock into your ear! It sucks when you study for 1 1/2 hours and get a lower score than some idiot who didn’t even bother to take home their book. It sucks when your parents don’t pay the gravity bill, and you can’t do your homework because it floats away--well, maybe it’s not that bad. It sucks when the wind blows and instead of messing up your hair, it blows your hair off completely. It sucks when you have to chew your sneezes. It sucks when you go to bed with the dogs, and you wake up with the fleas (or crabs). It sucks when you bomb a quiz--well, maybe not. It really sucks when someone takes the term, "kiss my butt" literally. It sucks when someone pokes your eye out with a toothpick and uses it as an appetizer. It sucks when you’ve been chanting, "Feed us fetus feces," and after you’ve stopped chanting, you can’t get it out of your head. It sucks when your doctor finds a fetus growing inside you, and you’re a guy! It sucks when someone rips your heart out and uses it for a valentine. It sucks when you’re in a bar, and you think that your drink is really watered down. Then you remember that you ordered a glass of water. It sucks when you have to cut out your testicles and use them for marbles--especially when you’re playing for keeps! It sucks when someone mistakes you for Snuffalapogus. It sucks when you have a flat tire, and you have to blow the tire up with your mouth, and you like it. It sucks when you’re in a dark tunnel, and you see a bright light at the end, and then you realize you’re stuck in a hollow log, and the bright light is your flashlight. It sucks when your horse tries to ride you, and you find it arousing. It sucks when you wave at someone and then they pretend like they didn’t hear you. It sucks when someone uses their "Deep Thought" for an "It sucks when..." comment. It sucks when you get a face lift, and you can’t afford to have it put back on! It sucks when your vacuum doesn’t suck! It sucks when someone pries your eye out with a crowbar and puts a cocklebur in the socket. It sucks when you go to the bathroom so hard that you go unconscious. It sucks when your english teacher is talking about giant paramecium and oversouls for your shoes, and you don’t know what the hell she’s saying. It sucks when you go to the dentist, and he mistakes some old lady’s record for yours and pulls all of your teeth. It sucks when you...um, uh...when, uh--when you can’t remember what you were going to say. It sucks when a little old gray-haired woman tells you that she was your first love. It sucks when someone shoves a tuning fork up your butt. It sucks when a mouse gets in your fridge, and he knows he only has a short time left to live before he freezes, so he takes a little nibble out of everything that he can. It sucks when someone takes a pair of pliers and plucks every single hair out of your body. It sucks when you fall into a septic tank and open your mouth to yell for help. It sucks when you fall into a tank of acid and open your eyes to find the top. I-It ssucks wh,wh,when you st-stutter whuh-when y,y,you r,r,write. It sucks when someone rips your fingernails off just for the heck of it. It really sucks when they do it to your toenails. It sucks when you have 5 days to live, and you find out on the 5th day. It sucks when someone changes your "It sucks when..." It sucks when people don’t feel bad at all about beating you over the head, because they have no reason to stop. It sucks when you find out that your purpose in life is to get castrated by aliens. It sucks when you pass gas in a burning building. It sucks when your house burns down because you left a magnifying glass propped against a window on a sunny day. It sucks when your bellybutton comes undone, and you can’t get it buttoned again--unless you enjoy eating things twice. It sucks when you have to be decapitated in order to go to a topless beach. It sucks when someone says, "It feels like I coughed up a lung," and you look, and they really did. It sucks when your english teacher forgets to collect your assignment. Wait a minute--no it doesn’t. It sucks when your family doctor’s name is "Dr. Seuss!" It sucks when you forget to shut it (the vacuum) off. It sucks when you get a glue stick mixed up with chap stick. It sucks when it rains cats and dogs. It really sucks when a few rats get mixed in with them. It sucks when you buy a jacket, and then after you’ve worn it for several years, you look at the tag, and it says that it’s made from rhino penal skin. It sucks when you get in a car accident and your mother-in-law dies. (Ha ha, yea right) It sucks when you get home from a 2 week vacation to find that your horse has died, and a opossum has crawled up its butt and started eating it. It sucks when you get ear wax and deodorant mixed up and start cleaning your armpit with a Q-tip. It sucks when a nurse accidentally puts a pen up your butt instead of an anal thermometer--and you like it! It sucks when you’re so drunk that you’re sober. It sucks when you think that you’re finally getting out of the South on the Underground Railroad, but it’s only a subway. It sucks when your worst enemy is a sewer rat that is in a city 30,000 miles away. It sucks when you stop to smell the roses, and get stung by a bee. It sucks when you find a beached whale wearing sunglasses and drinking a Pepsi. .backwards comment "...When Sucks It" their writes someone when sucks it It sucks when you have jock-itch so bad that you start bleeding. It sucks when you’re in the weeds with a woman, and darn it, that poison ivy gets everywhere. It sucks when you have crabs, and they start pinching you. It sucks when you are eating olives in a restaurant, and the owner is standing next to you talking about the time his wife cut off his testicles. It sucks when you’re milking a cow, and then you realize that it’s a bull, that thing you’re holding isn’t an udder, and that white stuff isn’t milk. It sucks when you scratch your testicles so much that they fall off in your hand and then roll across the floor into a heat duct and are lost forever. It sucks when you’re not dead, but someone thinks you are, and they embalm you with rubbing alcohol, and when you wake up, every inch of your body stings like crazy. It sucks when you run out of toilet paper and then purposefully don’t but any more. It sucks when you have heart burn because someone has thrust a red-hot poker into your chest. It sucks when you have to sear your own severed wrist shut so that you won’t bleed to death. It sucks when you find a dead rat in your bowl of soup, and instead of bringing you a new bowl of soup, the waiter brings you another rat. It sucks when you have sex with a girl, but it feels like you’re screwing a horse. It sucks even more when she thinks she’s screwing a field mouse. It sucks when you try to burn down your house (insurance money), and you can’t because gasoline is "too damn expensive," and it starts to rain. It sucks when you have to work at McDonald’s because you’re too lazy to work anywhere else. It sucks when your doctor is cleaning your ear, and he mistakenly grabs a screwdriver instead of a Q-tip. It sucks when you don’t see that little sign beside the handle of the toilet that says "unflush" instead of "flush." It sucks when a cop pulls you over and beats you, then realizes, "You’re white!" It sucks when you are so hungry that when your dog throws up, you fight him for that "nice, warm meal." It sucks when someone tells you to get lost, and you either can’t afford it, or you are already lost. It sucks when you think you’re having a Kodak moment, and it turns out to be a Maalox moment. It sucks when your stomach goes on a hunger strike. It sucks when your stomach chooses Old Faithful as a role model. It sucks when your lungs play a joke on you and hold their breath. It sucks when your penis plays a joke on you and goes limp while you’re having sex. It sucks when your name is uh-huh-huh Butthead. It sucks when nothing sucks, but if it sucks when nothing sucks, then something does suck, right? It sucks when you belch during your inauguration speech. It sucks when you fart during your inauguration speech and then throw up at your state-of-the-union address. It sucks when you fall off a tall building onto an overpass, and then you get hit by a semi so hard that it throws you off into the river, and then you get run over by a steam boat, and then some guy jumps overboard and tries to resuscitate you. It sucks when you try to get up and go outside to listen to everything, or whateverthe hell Ms. Bourne said, and it’s -56° with wind-chill out there. It sucks when somebody interrupts you when you’re having an orgasm and asks if you are all right. It sucks when your english teacher thinks she’s a history teacher. It sucks when you’re having sex, and your dad opens the door and asks if she was good. It sucks when you lose your temper and can’t find it. It sucks when you have a big giant hangnail, and it gets caught in a car door. It sucks when you’re ignorant to the fact that you’re ignorant. It sucks when you’re going to take your date out to dinner and then make out in your car, you let her pick out the restaurant, and she chooses a place called "Garlic John’s Onion House." It sucks when someone takes the term "Bite me!" literally. It sucks when you order something in a Chinese restaurant, and after you’ve eaten it, you look at the translation on the back of the menu and find out that you ate cat tongues with rat intestines and rectum sauce. It sucks when a UPS truck flips over and becomes UPS side down. It sucks when you find a hair in your toothbrush, but it really sucks when you find someone’s tooth in your hairbrush. It sucks when you’re eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes and realize that you’re eating your toenail collection with that white stuff you were supposed to take to that one bank. It sucks when you finally get into that dream girl’s pants only to find out that she needs to use a high pressure hot water washer for a douche. It sucks when a woman cuts off your penis, then serves you a hamburger a half hour later. It sucks when you’re straining to let the biggest fart, and your face explodes. It sucks when you have varicose veins that are so swelled that they drag along the ground and get scraped open. It sucks when your last name is Applegate, and you’re an atheist homosexual with no artistic ability. It really sucks when that person’s first name is Mike. It sucks when you get that impulse to swerve your car into the oncoming lane. It sucks when you don’t get to hear that incredible pop music coming out of the Middle East. It sucks when you go to the zoo to see the porch monkeys, but there aren’t any more because they all killed each other. It sucks when you lock a baby in a safe, but there’s some silly law that says you can only keep it in there for 3 days at a time. It sucks when you’re supposed to have surgery on your arm, and you accidentally get switched with that man who wanted a sex change. It sucks when you find a lump in your chest, and you find out that you’re growing breasts. It sucks when David doesn’t like what I write my "It sucks" comments on. It sucks when you’re trying to imagine the universe, and Cindy Crawford keeps jumping from moon to moon with nothing on. Well, I guess it wouldn’t. It sucks when you find a tampon in your pack of cigarettes after you’ve tried to smoke it.
It really sucks when your name is Greg.
It sucks when your name is Dave.
It sucks when you don’t have a name at all.
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