It sucks when someone doesn’t indent or attempt to form paragraphs at all throughout an entire volume. It sucks when you hop on your new bike to ride it for the first time, then you suddenly remember that you haven’t put the seat on yet. It sucks when someone gives you such a wedgy that you bleed. It sucks when someone’s stupid comment goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever... It sucks when your digestive tract digests itself. It sucks when you accidentally slice open your hemorrhoids while you’re shaving. It sucks when you’re riding a horse, and it stalls right when you’re crossing the railroad tracks. It sucks when you’re juggling your pair of newborn identical twins, and you get them mixed up. It sucks when you keep praying for you enemy to get AIDS, cancer, gangrene, genital herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhea, but they get leprosy instead. It sucks when you’re so good at basketball that you have to quit and play baseball. It sucks when your girlfriends legs are so hairy that she can’t pull up her panty hose. It sucks when you’re white, your wife is white, and she has a black baby, then you find out that it’s really white, but it has a giant birthmark that covers its entire body. It sucks when your dentists finger always twitches when he has a hold of the drill. It sucks when you crush your gonad for 50 bucks with a pair of needle nose pliers, and you don’t get paid. It sucks when someone puts car grease in your toothpaste tube. It sucks when someone puts rubber cement in your urethra. It sucks when you have to use one of those long squiggly balloons for a condom. Well, maybe not. It sucks when you’re having sex in your car, and it slips into gear and rolls into a dumpsite for toxic waste. It sucks when your Adam’s apple is so big that it gets caught in your zipper when you zip up your coat, and you can’t get it uncaught. It sucks when a tree bites you, and you realize that a tree’s bite is worse than its bark. It sucks when you’re trying to write an "It sucks when" comment, and an english thought invades your mind. It sucks when you start bathing yourself like a cat for no reason. It sucks when you stick your tongue out at someone, and they grab it and nail it to a house. It sucks when your house is a hollowed out elephant. It sucks even more when the elephant is still alive. It REALLY sucks when you use the elephant’s large intestine for a beanbag chair. It REALLY sucks beyond belief when you use half of the elephant’s stomach for a Jacuzzi, and the bubbles are made from the acid burning away your skin. It sucks when your comments really start to suck. It sucks when Godzilla swallows you whole instead of chewing you up, because you die slowly and painfully. It sucks when you’re so dumb that you feed salt to your pet snail. It sucks when you have to use you penis for a bookmark. It really sucks when someone closes the book when it’s in there. It sucks when you hit your thumb with a hammer and then do it again just to make sure that it was the hammer that hit your thumb. It sucks when you’re in a jammed elevator, and you have to go to the bathroom real bad. It sucks when you’re so depressed that you’re happy at a funeral. It sucks when a dog bites you, and then you bite him back and get rabies from biting him. It sucks when you have an ingrown toenail that jabs through your entire foot and pokes out your shoe. It sucks when a guy tries to make you fix his fender because your last name is Bender. It sucks when your penis goes on vacation, and you don’t realize it until you get ready to use it. It sucks when you are locked in a basement, and all you have to live off of is dingleberries and ejaculation. It sucks when you and your best friend are walking in the forest, and a poisonous snake bites your friend's penis, and you are the only one there to suck out the poison. It REALLY sucks when you find out that the snake wasn’t poisonous. It sucks when some idiot calls you bastard instead of Baxter. It sucks when you realize that David was right when he said it sucks when you english teacher thinks she’s a history teacher. It sucks when your farsighted mother tries to clean your ear our with a fish hook. It sucks when someone cuts off your penis as an April Fool’s Prank. It sucks when you have to kill someone, because they write better "It sucks when..." comments than you do. It sucks when you go to a doctor in Kentucky, and he tells you that something is important, and you think he said you’re impotent. It sucks when you are having group sex, and you realize that the group is "The New Kids on the Block." It sucks when you enjoy perusing "It sucks when..." comments. It sucks when you chop your toes off with an axe while you’re splitting wood. It really sucks when you think you’re eating Milk Duds, but when you look at the box it says Dingleberry Duds, then you think, "Aw, what the hell," and keep on eating. It sucks when your Indian name means SHOOTING BLANKS. It sucks when you squish your eye into jelly by blasting it with an air compressor. It sucks when you give someone credit for an "It Sucks When..." comment that they didn’t write. It sucks when Andrew doesn’t know what school he wants to go to, so he keeps coming back to haunt us. It sucks when a doctor amputates your leg and starts beating you across the head while his nurse dances nude on a stretcher to elevator music. It sucks when you’re having sex with some girl, and she starts ovulating. It sucks when someone perforates the middle of your body with a machine gun, then tears you along the dotted line. It sucks when you cardiac muscles quit contracting. It sucks when someone gives you directions for the way a crow flies, but you’re not a crow. It sucks when your penis starts doing push-ups without warning. It sucks when someone puts powdered glass in your Crystal Clear Pepsi, and you don’t see it because you think that the sparkles are little fizzy bubbles. It sucks when you’re looking at the stars, and bird *#@!% lands in your eye. It sucks when your skeleton rips itself from your body, and you can’t chase after it because you can’t even stand up. It sucks when you’re born with a tail, and can’t figure out how to wag it. Then you realize that your tail is really your penis. It sucks when you have no penis, so you write comments about thinking your penis is a tail. It sucks when your tears are chunky. It sucks when someone finds a porno about Heather interesting. It sucks when you’re watching a porno, and you think it’s interesting, and then you recognize that Heather is the star, and you vomit forever. It sucks when your eyelashes get caught under the front edge of a steam roller. It sucks when you are butchering a cow, and get jealous because it has a larger penis, so you go insane and mutilate it like sushi. Then you eat it just for spite. It sucks when you die and are reincarnated as a chigger in a town of fat sweaty people. It sucks when it snows in April. That REALLY sucks! It sucks when your jockstrap comes to life and gives you a kiss while you’re mountain climbing, and you’re so startled that you let go. It sucks when you bite the head off of a chicken and eat it, and it pecks at the wall of your stomach until you have one big ulcer. It sucks when you’re grating a piece of cheese in your hand, and when you look to see how much you’ve done, you’re grating your own bloody, stubby wrist. It sucks when you get your penis caught in the mouth of a snapping turtle. It sucks when you drive your combine into some power lines, and when you try to jump out, the electrical current is so strong that it sucks you back in. It sucks when you’re so ugly that you can curdle water just by looking at it. (Heather) It sucks when your english teacher asks the class a question, and everyone is so totally lost that you can hear the lights buzz. It sucks when the medicine for your arthritis is in a child proof bottle. It sucks when your english teacher tries to dress like a teenager. It really sucks when she shows thigh. It sucks when you find out that wolves have been paying your sheepdog to bring them part of your flock. It sucks when your seeing eye dog leads you into a jet engine. It when one words out of comment. It sucks when you can only eat a certain cereal once every 3 days because it provides 300% of your daily allowance of caffeine. It sucks when you think that your hair is getting thinner, but it turns out that your head is getting fatter. It sucks when your mother doesn’t push when she gives birth to you, so you have to kick yourself out. It It sucks It sucks when It sucks when you It sucks when you type It sucks when you type like It sucks when you type like this. It sucks when you can’t find your invisible shirt because you can’t see it, and then it turn out that you’re wearing it, and you didn’t even know it. It sucks when you’re in a dog-eat-dog world, and a dog, like Heather, tries to eat you. It sucks when someone’s name rings a bell, and you go to answer the phone. It sucks when you sleep in english class and learn just as much (if not more) than you did when you stayed awake. It sucks when your skin suddenly turns clear, and people can see all of your guts and organs. It sucks when you get struck by a bolt of lightning, but it really sucks when you get struck by a bolt of darkning. It sucks when your english teacher is a habitual user of acid, PCP’s, and barbiturates. It sucks when you forget to close your eyelids when you sneeze, and your eyeballs pop out. It sucks when you catch a red octopus, and it commits suicide by pulling the plug on its own tank. It sucks when you overdose on the Fountain of Youth and shrink into a fetus. It sucks when you break your pubic bone, but it really sucks when the doctor has to set it. It sucks when your wife uses concentrated bleach as a spermacide. It sucks when a woman’s baby develops in her stomach instead of her womb, and she has to puke it up instead of giving birth to it. (I would’ve sworn that this was how Heather was born if it wasn’t for the fact that she was hatched.) It sucks when Mardelle thinks of herself when she says the word "LUSTY." It sucks when someone super charges a water fountain, and when you try to get a drink, a jet of water shoots through the roof of your mouth and into your brain. It sucks when your english teacher asks if you’ve ever been howling at wolves, and then you wonder if you’ve ever had a conversation with her before you were a junior. It sucks when Mr. Doades hears jets flying over the school and thinks that Keiser Wilhelm is coming to get us. It sucks to be a woman--especially the ones that think they are dominant. It sucks when your underwear starts riding up your butt, and then you remember, "Hey, I’m not wearing any underwear." It sucks when a girl becomes erect, and when she looks down, she has a penis. It sucks when you want to be cremated, and someone says that they’ll do it for you, but they don’t realize that you meant that you wanted to be cremated after you’re dead. It sucks when someone thinks that cremation is what you do in your jeans when you’re watching a porno. It sucks when you have calluses on your feet so thick that you don’t need to wear shoes. It sucks when a beaver chews on your wood. (But only if you’re a tree!) It sucks when you have to stop writing "It Sucks When..." comments because your compute-r" doesN’’T wôrK ø ppropE¿r8]ly*........ Volume IVolume II
Volume III
Volume IVVolume VVolume VIVolume VII
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