It sucks when you try to drown a fish. It sucks when you produce so much sperm that it starts to come out of your nose. (Or maybe that should be "cum" out your nose. Oh well.) It sucks when someone puts chorionic gonadotropin in your baboon milk. It sucks when you’re lifting weights and milk starts to squirt out of your nipples. It sucks when a penis grows where your tongue is supposed to be. It really sucks when you think you bit your tongue. WARNING: The following "It sucks when..." comment may cause eternal vomiting. It REALLY sucks when you’re a well fed crab on Heather. It sucks when someone unplugs your umbilical cord before you’re born, and you stick your finger in the socket because your too young to know better. It sucks when you find a 30 point buck in the woods, and he tells you that if you give him a blow job, he’ll let you shoot him, so after you’re done you go home to get your gun, and when you come back -- he’s GONE. It sucks when someone snaps your head back and tries to get a Pez candy out of your throat. It sucks when you hear someone say "definitions," and you think that they said "death missions." It sucks when some idiot gives a bacterium an unlimited supply of nutrients, and it reproduces so fast that it covers the earth 7 feet deep within 48 hours. It sucks when you’re driving, and you think it’s raining, but it turns out that it’s mating love bugs hitting your windshield like little blobs of tar. It sucks when you’re a German during the Holocaust, and you’re putting a Jew woman into an oven to burn her to death, and she has such a bad yeast infection that her vagina rises like a loaf of bread. It sucks when you open a crate of coffee beans and find the dead body of a Mexican trying to get into the U.S. by hiding in a crate of coffee beans. It sucks when you’re a Mexican trying to sneak into the U.S. by hiding in a crate of coffee beans, AND YOU SURVIVE, then when someone opens the crate, you gasp, "Water... please, water," but they don’t have any water, so they say, "How about a cup of coffee?" It sucks when you’re so tired that you can’t even finish It sucks when you go to an ice cream parlor and order, "One scoop please," and they give you Mrs. Burt’s fish. It sucks when you think you’ve found one of those walking stick bugs, but it turns out to be a wooden stick THAT’S REALLY WALKING! It sucks when you take AP english, and then you find out that AP stands for anal puncture. It sucks when you drive without your glasses, and you have to tie a team of seeing eye dogs to your bumper to pull your car. It sucks when you’re sleeping on your back, then you puke, and you drown in it before you even wake up. It sucks when you’re talking about secondary succession, and you think that there is going to
be another civil war. It sucks when someone puts super glue in your condom, and you can’t get it off, so you pee in it until it bursts like a balloon. It sucks when you’re an elephant, and you have to give yourself an enema with your own trunk. It sucks when you jump naked into a pool filled with live earthworms, and it takes you an entire 2 seconds to reach orgasm. It really sucks when you’re removing leeches from your crotch, and you accidentally cut off your penis. It sucks when you sleep on a bed of fiber glass insulation for an entire night. It really sucks when you’re sleeping in the nude, and you keep rolling over and over. It sucks when you’re such a brown noser that you ask your teacher to eat beans so that you won’t suffocate. It sucks when you can’t afford to go to a tanning bed, so you iron your skin. It sucks when someone puts iron filings in your Jello. It sucks when someone puts Jello in your iron filings. It sucks when you’re in a bar, and your seat is the only one that’s moving, then you realize that you’re riding a mechanical bull. [The following comment was written after hearing a story about a dog that bit the hind legs of other dogs and wouldn’t let go.] It sucks when you see Heather doing the same thing during sex. It sucks when you see Heather during sex! It sucks when you’re so scared that your genitals suck themselves up into your body cavity. It sucks when your teacher mentions a 15 minute nag and a horse, and the first thing that comes to mind is Heather. It REALLY sucks when a good looking girl gives you such a hard on that it explodes! It sucks when you get your food, and you think that the cafeteria is serving rotten bloody cunts for lunch, then you look at the menu, and it really does say, "Rotten Bloody Cunts." It sucks when all the volcanoes suck in the atmosphere to the middle of the earth until it inflates like a balloon and blows up. It sucks when someone uses a shotgun when they hunt mushrooms. It sucks when someone steals your "It sucks when..." comment. It sucks when you’re spanking it, and nothing is coming out, and when you look to see what’s wrong, you get a mouthful of sperm. It sucks when people start seeing you in a different way than they used to, then you realize that they all started wearing glasses. It sucks when someone mentions a skank who sleeps with a lot of men, and somehow the name Heather comes to mind. It sucks when someone throws a cream pie in your face, and you don’t have time to take a shower, so it dries in your hair. It sucks even more when you discover that the white stuff wasn’t whipped cream. It sucks when you’re so dumb that you can’t figure out how to use a Post-it note. It sucks when you’re reaching orgasm with your wife, and you hear her start to snore. It sucks when Heather and Apryl make their own swimsuit calendar! It sucks w
en you find out that Heather has Parkinson’s disease and a lot of others. It sucks when you find out that Heather has V.D. in her mouth. It sucks when someone shoves a pole vault pole up your butt until it comes out your eye-especially when they put it in sideways! It sucks when you pick your nose, and when you pull your finger out, there’s a testicle on it. It sucks when someone stuffs a sock in Heather’s mouth, and she swallows it and wants more. It sucks when you can’t afford lipstick, so you bite your lips until they’re red with blood, and then you remember that you’re a guy and shouldn’t wear lipstick anyway. It sucks when Steph picks her underwear, then she realizes that she’s not wearing any. It sucks when you have an open umbrella tied to your ankle while you’re swimming. It sucks when someone mentions The Jungle, and you think that they’re talking about Heather. It sucks when you’re on a highwire, and your underwear goes up your butt, and when you try to pick it out, you lose your balance and fall, and the wire lands between your legs, and you end up with such a wedgie that you can’t pick out a sliced testicle. It sucks when some retard becomes a mortician, and he embalms a body with hydrochloric acid instead of formaldehyde, and it dissolves into a putrid pile of pudding. (tapioca) It sucks when Heather wants to "lick your lizard," so you give her your pet iguana, and she cries because she meant your penis. It sucks when Heather tries to pay you to take pictures of her in the nude, and you really need the money. It sucks when a guy and girl are both playing hard-to-get, and so they never get each other. It sucks when you fart and blow the seat out of your jeans, and cream them at the same time. It sucks when you think that you have to put whipped cream in your pants. It doesn’t suck if you have some girl to eat it out. It sucks when you can’t eat lunch at school because Heather is in the cafeteria, and you can smell her corroded, over-masturbated pussy. It sucks when your neighbors invite you over to watch a porno, and it ends up to be a porno that they made at home. It really sucks when they’re a fat elderly couple! It sucks when Heather’s Sylvester Stalone is Kyle Snodgrass. It sucks when you feel a gust of wind from the West, and when you look west, you see Heather. It sucks when the deodorant that you’re wearing is strong enough for you, but pH balanced for a woman. It sucks when your english teacher mentions swine and blood, and Heather is the first thing that comes to mind. It sucks when Heather’s third eye turns into a mouth and starts bitching and kissing butt twice as much. It sucks when the cafeteria food is so bad that it has an out-of-body experience as soon as you’ve eaten it. It sucks when Heather tries to ride a horse and "accidentally" sucks it up. It sucks when Heather rides a ro
ler coaster and sucks everything up. It sucks when you’re going through your baby book, and you find your skin that your mother saved from when you were circumcised. It REALLY sucks when she tries to see if it still fits! It sucks when the commissioners can’t find a place to put the landfill, so they start dumping into Heather’s pussy. It sucks when you find out that Heather’s pussy was really that scary monster under your bed. It sucks when Heather uses your Autographed Babe Ruth Louisville Slugger to masturbate with, and cries wanting something bigger. It sucks when you find out that Heather’s pussy is really an attic fan. It sucks when Heather refers to her vagina as "The Abyss." It sucks when the dog catcher picks up Heather, and nobody adopts her, so she it put to sleep. Well, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad after all. tI skcus nehw uoy etirw sdrawkcab. It sucks when Heather decides to install sliding glass doors in her vagina. It sucks when Heather decides to install an intercom system in her vagina. It sucks when you’re the one who installs the intercom system in her vagina. It sucks when someone keeps chanting, "Oh boy, oh boy" over and over again, and you think that they must be fantasizing about little boys. It sucks when Heather is like Timex, takes a lickin’ and tastes like chicken. It really sucks when you’re the one doing the tasting. It sucks when you’re Polish, Swedish, or Heather’s lover, or underwear. It even sucks to be the toilet paper she wipes with. It sucks when you try to look at a solar eclipse with a pair of binoculars, and it fries your eyes so that your aqueous humor boils out of your pupil. It sucks when they make a sequel to "The Blob" and call it "Heather’s Pussy Sucks Up Chicago and New York" and Asia and Africa and Europe and... Chupa cuando escribes en español. It sucks when Heather gets a boyfriend, but hey! Let’s not speak of the impossible! It sucks when you think that you’re eating some kind of granola cereal, but when you look at the box it says "Eye Crispies." It sucks when you get some dead poet chic to yourself, but it could be worse-Heather. It sucks when your dog bites Heather and gets rabies, and you have to shoot it. It doesn’t suck when Heather bites your dog, and you have to shoot her. It sucks when Miss Bourne sounds like she’s talking about having sex with Heather. It sucks when you’re reading a gross part in The Jungle, and then you find out that it’s a description of Heather’s vagina. It sucks when you know what Heather’s vagina looks like. It sucks when Heather uses the moon for a tampon, but it falls out because her vagina is too loose. It sucks when you have gas so bad that you fart out of your penis! It sucks when you miss school so much that you come back and substitute less than a year after you’ve graduated. It sucks when Mr. Kiger says that he’s goin
to spank you, but instead of smacking your butt with a paddle, he pulls your pants down and gives you a different kind of spanking. It sucks when you bite into an apple and find a worm, but it really sucks when you bite into a worm and find a piece of apple. It sucks when you’re chewing up a roll, and you find a condom with a penis still in it in the roll. It sucks when you’re choking your chicken, and it lays and egg. It sucks when a swarm of hornets and a swarm of bumble bees attack each other, and you run right through the middle of the whole thing in the nude. It sucks when someone staples your anus shut. It literally sucks when your cows get mad at you and take revenge by killing you with an automatic milking machine. It sucks when you think there’s a sheep caught in the sewer, but it’s a giant hairball, and when you cut it open, there’s a baby growing in the middle, so you close it back up, then the baby grows up to be a serial killer, and you feel guilty for not killing it when you had the chance. (But not too guilty) It sucks when you’re scared to death because you’re a guy and you’re menstruating, but then you realize that you’re just urinating blood. It sucks when you’re trying to fix your septic tank, and you see that all of the pipes leading out of it go into the pipes that your drinking water comes from. It sucks when Miss Bourne is talking about naked people running around covered with their own excrement, and she starts grinning. It sucks when you find out that Heather’s gynecologist is also a seismologist. It sucks when someone puts hydrochloric acid in your bottle of eyedrops. It sucks when you’re a claustrophobic sardine. It sucks when you’re a snake that has venom which is so poisonous that you kill yourself with it. It sucks when you’re working at McDonald’s, and some idiot embarrasses you by waving frantically and acting like a retard. Let’s face it - it sucks to work at McDonald’s regardless of what happens. It sucks when you live in an apartment with clear glass floors and ceilings, and a fat lady who always wears dresses lives in the apartment above you. It REALLY sucks when she doesn’t wear any underwear! It sucks when you grab a handful of lava, and after it hardens you try to chip it off with a chisel and hammer, but the flesh is all gone, and only the bones are left. It sucks when you think that you’re chewing a piece of gum, but it’s really The Blob, and it starts chewing you. It sucks when someone wants to borrow some of your spit to wash their lips off. It sucks when your lips are blue from blue candy, but people think that you’ve been blowing a Smurf. It sucks when you’re so bored that you count the holes in the ceiling tiles. It really sucks when you lose count and have to start all over again. It sucks when your eyelids are so long that you can chew on them. It sucks when
ou get yanked into the air by a crane hook that’s gotten caught in your armpit hair. It sucks to be a hydrophobic fish. It sucks when someone puts Icy Hot in your condom.
**WARNING**
The following "It sucks when..." comment should not be read by the elderly, people with pacemakers, people with asthma, easily nauseated people, nursing and/or pregnant mothers, young children, or illiterate people. Failure to comply with this rule may result in eternal vomiting and/or uncontrollable suicidal urges.
It really really REALLY REALLYREALLY sucks when the following 10 things happen right after each other:
1. You’re just reaching orgasm with your girlfriend when fangs spring from inside her vagina and hold your penis in. Then she rips off her face, and you realize that it’s really Heather wearing a mask.
2. She contracts her uterus so hard that her menstrual fluids are forced up your penis and are absorbed by your bloodstream which drives you to the brink of insanity, and you start screaming, "Kill me! Kill me!!!" but she won’t.
3. Next she uses evil demonic forces to take control of your body. She makes you start gnawing that huge brown wart on her forehead. When it bursts, you suck all of the thick juices out and swallow them.
4. Then that savage Amazon Beast slides her tongue down your throat until it comes out your anus and squirms inside your body for what seems like an eternity.
5. Despite your bloodcurdling shrieks, she gives you a blow job until your testicles have been drained, your scrotum skin is shriveled up like a raisin, and your penis has been sucked raw and skinless.
6. She puts you neck deep in her vagina and releases her control on your body because your struggle to get free gives her pleasure. Meanwhile, cowmilkers are squeezing her udders so that her milk sprays your head.
7. She expands her inhuman vagina, and you think that you may be able to climb out, but the inner surfaces of her lips are too slippery, so you slide down into a pool which is a mixture of urine and menstruation, but it feels like hot jelly and live earthworms. Then some octopus-like tentacles give you hickies from the waist down.
8. She picks you up and drains your large intestine by putting her nose up your anus and inhaling.
9. Next she drops you in her vagina and contracts it so that it’s got you around the neck. Then you feel yourself slowly being sucked in. Your hands are trapped, so the only way too keep yourself from going under is to chomp on a mouthful of pubes (which are dyed red).
10. The force is too great, you lose your grip and are lost as another victim of The Abyss.
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT H H A TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T HHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAA T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
T H H A A T
R R EEEEEE A L L Y Y
R R E A A L L Y Y
R R E A A L L Y Y
R R E A A L L Y
R R EEEEEE AAAAAAAAA L L Y
RR E A A L L Y
R R E A A L L Y
R R E A A L L Y
R R E A A L L Y
R R EEEEEE A A LLLLLLLL LLLLLLLL Y
SSSS U U CCCC K K SSSS !!!
SS S U U C C K K SS S !!!
S U U C K K S !!!
S U U C K K S !!!
S U U C K K S !!!
SS U U C KK SS !!!
SS U U C KK SS !!!
SS U U C K K SS !!!
S U U C K K S !!!
S S U U C K K S S !!!
S S U U C C K K SS S
SSSS UUUUUU CCCC K K SSSS !!!
There’s an "It sucks when..." writer in all of us.
(And I hear there are several of them trapped in Heather)
