The Theater


Sidhe Humor


"Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike!"

~WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, The Tempest

A Guide to Proper Etiquette in the Men's Restroom


Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1.Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2.A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3.No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4.If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:

5.All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6.Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7.If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8.Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9.Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10.Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11.Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12.Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13.Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14.Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15.Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16.Always flush.
17.When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18.Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19.Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20.In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.


UNIVERSAL ELDER AVOIDANCE FORM


(The next best thing to going Anarch!)
by Fredrickson Barlowe

Dear: []King/Queen []Duke/Duchess []Count/Countess []Baron/Baroness []Knight/Lady []Shadow Court Recruter

I am avoiding you because you are:

[]Boggan and very nosy
[]Eshu and your attention span is too short
[]Nocker and very foul
[]Pooka and very annoying
[]Redcap and very hungry
[]Saytr and very- []drunk- []horny- []both
[]Sidhe and very snobbish
[]Sluagh and very creepy
[]A Troll and on a righteous kick
[]A Shadow Court Spy
[]Useelie and a BASTARD!!!
[]Flighty
[]Scary
[]Dressed in a Barney suit
[]A Mime
[]Overbearing
[]Overarmed
[]Very banal
[]Smelly
[]Looking under my Aura
[]5 lifetimes smarter
[]5 lifetimes dumber
[]Ugly
[]Hideous
[]Monstrous
[]Tammy Faye Baker
[]Little, yellow, different
[]Ignoring the Escheat
[]Ignoring the King's Escheat
[]Ignoring your Escheat
[]Too intriguing
[]Placing geas on me
[]Using Sovergien
[]Hitting me
[]Trying to enchant me
[]Trying to ravage me
[]Trying to Cross-Dress me
[]Evil
[]Very Evil
[]Nothing BUT Evil!
[]Stupid
[]Full of Shit
[]FUCKING NUTS!!!


Thus, I would appreciate it if you would:

[]Let me be
[]Leave me alone
[]Mind your own business
[]Drink a cup of sulfuric acid
[]Treat me with respect
[]Not kill me
[]Stop inviting me for a drink
[]Stop inviting me to spend the night
[]Demanding "Prestation or your life"
[]Let me lick your boots
[]Let me steal your Glamour
[]Sic your Court on someone else
[]Lay off the Arts
[]Get off my enchanted human
[]Go after the Shadow Court
[]Leave your Ego at home
[]Leggo my Ego
[]Bite me
[]Love me
[]Love your brother
[]Love your sister
[]Tolerate your lesser
[]Respect your better
[]Stop telling me about the "good old days"
[]Stop using on Dictum me
[]Stop proving how superior you are
[]Stop ravaging my leftovers
[]Stand still while I hit you
[]Stop dogging me
[]Stop watching me
[]Stop telling me "How peckish" you are
[]Ignore the Escheat
[]Ignore the King (or local Noble)
[]Ignore this form


YOU MAY NOW EAT THIS FORM.


Cows and Governments

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."




World news

Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Dodgy Translations



These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it.