The Eye of the World

By Robert Jordan

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard

Rand al'Thor

Tam is my father.

(Nothing happens. Then, nothing happens. Then, unexpectedly, nothing happens. Everything is FRAUGHT with PORTENT.)

Moiraine

Everybody come with me.

Everybody

No. Well, ok.

(They travel a LOT. Something happens that isn't explained. Something happens that doesn't make sense. Something happens.)

Rand al'Thor

Tam is my father.

THE (predictable, cliched, dumb) END

Fans

Yah! Wah hah! This is the greatest book ever! Whoo hoo! This is the greatest series ever! Whoopie! Yee haw!

The Great Hunt

By Robert Jordan

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard

Rand al'Thor

I want to do something. But doing this something is probably what the Aes Sedai want me to do, so I will do something else. But doing that something else may be what they want me to do, because they think I think they want me to do the first thing, so I'll decide to do this other thing instead. So I'll just do the first thing, since I want to do it anyway. Screw them.

(Repeat seven hundred times.)

THE END

The Dragon Reborn

By Robert Jordan

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard

Rand al'Thor

Being the Dragon Reborn stinks. I'm out of here.

(Moiraine and the gang CHASE him. But even though they are on HORSES, and he is WALKING, they never CATCH UP. This is supposed to be MYSTERIOUS but is really just a plot CONVENIENCE for Robert JORDAN.)

Perrin

I hate wolves.

(Mat and others show up out of NOWHERE. This is supposed to be MYSTERIOUS but is really just a plot CONVENIENCE for Robert JORDAN.)

Rand al'Thor

I am the Dragon Reborn. (kills the EVIL SUPREME BAD GUY)

Robert Jordan

Fooled you! That wasn't really the EVIL SUPREME BAD GUY! Now I can write forty more books!

THE END