Buffy Summers Journal
June 30
We went to Mammoth Cave today. As soon as we started the tour Xander and I both knew we'd made a major mistake. Hellmouth flashbacks. Not that we did like weird drug flashbacks or anything, but inside we were shaking. I knew I was and I looked over at Xander and saw the same horror on his face that I felt. Thank God we took the shortest tour! Xander apologized big time after we got back above ground. I told him though, wasn't his fault we didn't know we be freaking out inside.
I think the dream I had last night made the experience even more of the bad. It was a strange heartbreaking dream. As vivid and clear as a Slayer dream. I relived the last few months at Sunnydale, except things were a little different. When I rescued Spike from the First and the ubervamp, I took him to my bedroom cared for his wounds and then held him in my arms the rest of the night. I knew I cared deeply for him, and I told him that as I held him. I told him how sorry and ashamed I was for how I had treated him last year.
After that things were pretty similar until that night we spent in the abandoned house together. I realized that night just how deeply I loved him. When he told me how much he loved me, something burst inside me, I started to cry- I couldn't hold it back, and the words just flew out of my mouth, he shook his head no, and started to say what he told me at the last in the Hellmouth- I think he couldn't believe what he'd dreamed hearing from me for years. But I shouted back "I do love you! I'm not gonna deny it anymore to you or anyone!" Then quieter I said "I want you to believe in me as much as I believe in you" He gently said "I always believed in you" and then he looked amazed, the same look he gave me the night we first had sex, "You really do love me?" I told him yes, grinned at him like he was a major doof, and said "Didn't you hear it twice already?" We held each other that night just like what happened.
Things were about the same again for a bit, until Angel showed up with the amulet. This time we didn't kiss and things got awkward earlier. I did tell him about Spike the same way, but when he asked if I loved Spike, I said yes. I tried to be kind to Angel the same as I had in real life but I was clearer about what I felt toward him versus what I felt toward Spike. It was painful but at least it wasn't ugly like that argument we'd had last year. I wanted him to understand I still cared for him, and it was more than friendship, but it wasn't quite love anymore...was it ever really? Or just a crush? I don't know, it's so mixed up I just get more confused trying to figure it out.
Things were the same again after that, except Spike and I made love both of those last nights instead of just the last one. Then when we went into the Hellmouth and the amulet activated and I told him again I loved him and I wouldn't let him die. I yanked him away from the wall, yanked the amulet off of him and we ran. We didn't make it out. Things collapsed more slowly, but our way out was blocked and things were crashing down, plus it was daylight, Spike would have burned up even if we'd made it out. We knew we were going to die, but we hid under a partly collapsed column and bought ourselves a few more minutes. We talked, told each other about when we'd first started falling in love with each other. Then I said to him "I don't want to see the end coming this time, all I want to feel is you" He said "Me too." We held each other tight, closed our eyes and kissed. I felt something slam into me from the back hard as hell. Then I woke up.
I apparently woke Xander up in the other bed too. When he saw me open my eyes he reached out and squeezed my hand. We didn't talk about it, but as we were driving toward Mammoth Cave. He said "I dreamed about An last night, dreamed about saving her. I guess you dreamed about saving Spike?" I nodded and we drove along in silence for a while. Then he said something that surprised me. "You know I actually started liking Spike? Me the I hate all vampires guy- but especially any involved with Buffy guy?" When I smiled Xander grinned back and said, "I can just imagine what he would have said if I'd told him!"
We kind of left it at that but I think Xander would have been surprised, Spike with his soul was a much softer guy, I think Xander might have really touched him. Now I have something else to feel sad about. Spike and Xander might have been friends. Spike really should have had more friends, he had me, and Andrew certainly admired him. I think Spike was more patient with Andrew than any of the rest of us were.
But if Spike and Xander had been friends I don't think Giles betrayal of both us and me would have stung him so hard. Spike never really said anything, but I know Giles violent hatred of him after getting the soul, hurt a lot. I don't understand it either, nor why he was so ready to betray me. Same with Willow, and even Dawn.
I guess I sort of understand Dawn, it wasn't really betrayal on her part, I think it was more rebellion. I'd finally figured out, how to be a sort of surrogate parent to her, along with the Slayer. The school job helped a lot with that. But Dawn, the part of her that is a teenage girl, is almost grown now, she's like a 16 year old, just as I was figuring out how to be a sort of mom to her, that wasn't what she needed anymore from me, she needed just an older sister.
She needs me, but not so strongly as she used to, when I didn't know how to give her what she needed. Thank goodness Spike could. And I never thanked him for that. No one else did either (I think Dawn did at some point) but as the person closest to both of them I really should have, instead of resenting his ability, while I depended on it. I never told Dawn what really happened between Spike and me last year. I was afraid (still am) she'd hate me if I did. I can't bring up the courage to tell her yet, but someday I hope I can. In the meantime I better call her like I promised.