Truth and Myths, Chapter 4
Early January 2004

"Just as well I can't be at the ritual, I'm so fat and clumsy now I'd be useless." Buffy complained to Willow.

"But you're still happy about the baby?"

"Yes, it's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. It makes all the terribleness of being a Slayer kind of fade a bit. Makes me a bit philosophical even."

"You, philosophical?" Willow laughed, the thought was so outrageous that it was hysterical.

Buffy laughed along with Willow, but a little part of her was hurt. She knew Willow didn't intentionally mean to do this, but the mocking of her intelligence did.

So many people had just assumed she was stupid over the years Buffy had stopped trying to convince them otherwise, and had started to believe maybe she was stupid. Willow, Giles, Angel, even Xander at times had treated her as if she was stupid, even made light of her right to her face. Mom had known she wasn't dumb, and Riley didn't overtly treat her as dumb, in fact he expected her to understand things, guess that's why I was attracted to him, he knew I wasn't stupid. But he still tried to dominate me, expected me to agree with all his opinions, do what he wanted. Spike though was the one who never thought I was dumb, people tend to underestimate his intelligence too. We think a lot alike.

"Buffy, hey, Buffy?" Willow repeated more loudly, she had started to tell Buffy about the ritual when she realized Buffy had done her "spacing out" thing again.

"What? Oh sorry Wil, my thought just sent me off somewhere else."

"I noticed." Willow grinned. "Okay, Xander is going to meet up with us in the park. You called it right on needing other people. We needed one more other than Wes and Fred and the only volunteer we got, that doesn't have a demon in them is Andrew."

"Dawn said no?"

"Yeah, I told her what kind of things that could happen in the ritual, and she decided she'd rather stay here with you and Spike."

"What kind of things could happen?"

"Some pretty creepy, gross stuff, do you want the graphic version or the shorthand version?"

"How gross?"

"It could rip his body to shreds and kill him, or leave him just alive enough to be a mindless shell, it could make him throw up the demon infection in the form of insects or snakes or almost anything. It could leave his mind intact but destroy his body..."

"Willow, this is his only chance, it's this or death, or something that may as well be death."

"I know Buffy, you told me. I agreed with you then and I do now. I just wanted to prepare you for what might happen."

Buffy nodded grimly. "Okay. It's going to happen. Despite everything he's done, I hope it works and he comes out okay."

"Me too." The two women hugged awkwardly around Buffy's large tummy. Willow broke the hug and walked toward the door.

"Wil?"

Willow stopped halfway out the door. "Yeah?"

"If he survives, I want to speak to him."

Willow nodded understandingly. "In person or over the phone?"

"I'm not sure. Let's just say phone, for now."

"Okay."

Buffy and Dawn slept fitfully on Angel's office couch, while Spike paced the floor. Angel sat passively behind his desk, but ever so often would drum a pen against the top. Towards daybreak Spike sat on the floor and laid his head against Buffy's tummy- the baby's fast heartbeat was soothing and tended to lull him right to sleep. Angel began to cast longing eyes toward his bedroom suite. The phone's shrill ring shattered the silence and brought everyone bolt awake.

Angel answered it and hit the speakerphone function.

"Buffy it worked. Everyone is okay. It was way scary. And yeah he was infected with it, but it's gone now."

"How is he?"

"I'm a bit worried about that. Physically he's fine, and spiritually he's clean now, but emotionally ... he's really depressed."

"Has he told you how it happened and all?"

"A bit, enough to know that it happened right after he survived that Bringer attack in London."

"The First scared him."

"Yeah, enough that he was convinced that the only way he could be effective was to call up the demon that infected him, and that is what made him become so weird."

"And dangerous to all of us."

"Yeah"

"I want to talk to him now, Wil."

"Okay"

There was only rustling noises and murmured voices for a minute then a heartbreaking sad voice came over the phone.

"Buffy, I am so terribly sorry. I hurt you profoundly, and this isn't the first time I've done this. Send my apologies to Spike and Angel as well. I am horrified that in my madness I nearly took their lives and endangered yours. I will understand if none of you can ever forgive me. I am the worst Watcher that ever was."

"Giles..." What could Buffy say to this man? He sounded so broken. Maybe just the straightforward would be best. "I don't know if I can forgive you, maybe I will in time. But you are sorry, if you are sorry enough to never do it again then that's the first step."

"Thank you Buffy. I'll never bother you again." Giles clicked the phone off.

Willow called back quickly. "That's what he's been like Buffy, since we freed him from the demon infection."

"Take care of him, okay? Like he took care of you."

"Yeah I think I will take him back to the coven. They can probably do something to help. I'll give you the details once we get back there." Willow hung up.

"Better have someone doing a suicide watch on him pet, he sounds like he wants to off himself."

Buffy nodded sadly. She felt a bit guilty, but better he realized the full weight of what he had done than go on doing terrible things under the demon's influence. It made her feel a lot more willing to face him directly now.

5 AM

Giles was secured again, although Angel doubted now he'd be a threat to anyone but himself. Giles was restrained to prevent an act of suicide. Once that was done Dawn, Willow, Buffy and Spike drove off to their rooms, in his old home base at the Hyperion.

Angel walked into Cordy's hospital room. It had been hard hiding his feelings for Cordy in front of them all this time. First he had done it out of spite to Spike, a way to keep Spike as off-centered as possible. He didn't want Spike to know that much of his heart had moved on from Buffy. More charitably he didn't want Spike's sharp, usually dead center observations being directed to these strangely tender feelings for Cordy. Angel preferred to figure out what they meant on his own.

Then when Buffy was awakened last week, Angel suddenly had other reasons to hide it. He feared if Buffy knew he cared for another woman she wouldn't be as forgiving to his actions. There was a part of it that was about the Buffy he'd loved as well. A little part of both of them still cherished those good parts of their relationship back when she was still a naive young girl.

It had been mostly an illusion of a relationship, they sadly recognized now. He didn't want to crush that tiny bit of illusion-loving in Buffy. It would be if she knew the truth. Even back then he'd been attracted to Cordy, in a truer fashion than he'd ever been to Buffy.

He hadn't been walking around with this last epiphany that long. It was watching Buffy and Spike together that had opened his eyes about his own feelings for Cordy, and what they meant. He saw echoes of Cordy's bluntness when Buffy and Spike would get snarky with each other. He saw echoes of Cordy's acceptance with Buffy's handing Spike his mug of pig's blood and her blase expression as he drank it. The sharpest one was the echo of tender affection, that cut to the heart.

Strangely he felt almost no sense of jealousy anymore that Spike had Buffy's heart. What he was envious of was that no matter what the future held for them, they now had time to have the kind of real love he might never have with the chance to with Cordy. Unless she woke up and was better, and unless he got the shanshu the chances were slim to none.

Angel sat down at Cordy's beside. "Sorry I'm late tonight. We had to do a ritual to get a demon infection out of Giles."

As always there was no reaction from Cordelia. She remained in the coma. Angel swallowed back his sorrow. Please wake up some day Cordy. I want to tell you something important. He clasped her hand for a moment, then rose from the chair. He kissed her forehead, looked at her sadly, then turned and left.

6 AM

Spike helped Buffy into bed, and they curled together as closely as they could despite her being seven and a half months pregnant.

It was strange how since she'd been awakened, Buffy's body seemed to follow the same timetable as his, Spike thought. She'd always, well since he'd known her, and he assumed since she was called as a Slayer, had vampire hours basically forced on her. Now with thousands of girls around the world as Slayers that weight was off of her, but more than ever she was sleeping his pattern. Maybe the baby was why.

He'd never needed nearly a full days sleep like Angel did. He was usually up and about by early afternoon. Since he'd got the soul though his sleep schedule seemed to change a bit, he could go to sleep around midnight, after a patrol with Buffy and be up in the morning- especially after all those teenage girls arrived at the house and woke him up with their pounding feet and shrieking arguments.

He'd lost sense of time passing during the time he'd been a ghost. But as soon as he was corporeal he'd found he became sleepy around 2 AM, even now in the dead of winter when it didn't get light until nearly 8 AM, and he would wake up around 10 AM. He felt an intense urge for more sleep right now. Buffy was already asleep, dreaming most likely, considering the way she was mumbling what sounded like his name in her sleep and rubbing her hands over his chest. She was also smiling. Despite sleepiness he felt horny now.

Might as well wake her up, we're both in the mood now. He grinned, contemplating for a few seconds what he could do to wake her up. He began to lick and suck on her ear.

Buffy moaned, halfway between dream sleep and wakefulness. Oh god, she wanted sex so bad. The more huge she was getting the more she wanted it. She awoke to feel Spike licking, sucking and blowing in her ear. A hand was caressing her breasts and the other gently massaging the small of her back. She shuddered with desire and relaxed into the sensations. Spike seemed to want to do most the work right now with their lovemaking. Probably some misguided semi-Victorian chivalry from the William part of him. It didn't bother her that much, it was kind of sweet, and oooh- losing her track of thought for a moment as his fingers circled more aggressively around her breasts, brushing her nipples.

Buffy kissed Spike, momentarily trapping his hand in place in between their chests. "I love you" She said softly, looking at him straight on.

He'd stopped thinking that she couldn't possibly love him more than Angel, no one else had ever done that. But it still stunned him that she did, that anyone did. He was so used to coming in a distant second at best, whether in love, friendship or even respect, or hell even fear. Angelus certainly had scared her friends a lot more than he ever had, even at his worst.

Spike had that wondrous almost worshipful look on his face. It still overwhelmed her when he looked at her that way. She kissed him again, this time not breaking it off until she gasped for air. He was panting. It almost seemed necessary nowadays. She swore she'd seen him get red faced with anger that first time he'd told her what Giles had done. And he felt warmer than room temperature most the time. Could it be that shan what ever it was prophesy? Could he be returning to being human, just slowly?