Thanksgiving
Behind The Bar
Welcome to another edition of Behind the Bar, guaranteed to make your English teacher scream. Don't worry it'll be over soon, Mrs. Shultz. Happy Thanksgiving to all, even if I do still think this holiday is stupid. Do you know how hard it is to feed from a live Turkey? You aren't supposed to eat a LIVE turkey! Oh. My Bad. Yes it was. Well while Drake tries to rid himself of the feathers lets move on to another matter. ::sound of a hairball being coughed up:: With the Holidays approaching most of you are probably wondering just what to get for that special someone on your list. Fear not, for we have compiled a list of suggestions for those hard to shop for in Chicago. Show us what's behind curtain number 2! What the hell do you think this is, Let's Make a Deal? Have YOU ever tried to shop for Balior? Point made. So on to the gifts!!
- For Balior: What do you get for the guy who has slightly less money than God? Why something creative instead. We suggest surprising him by helping him redecorate the club. New Furniture is definitely a fave here. And above all remember it's a surprise. Oh and he's trying to get rid of that Art Deco look go for something radical, like Ultra-Modern Industrial.
- For 'Queen' Anne: A guillotine. Hey, it was good enough for the French.
- For Pharaoh: a one-way ticket BACK to Chicago.
I got him booked on Air Afghanistan.
- For Casey: Tickets to the World Series. Hope that's not a day game. Oops!
- For Crimson: Lessons at the local gun range. All expenses paid…she needs 'em.
- For Zach: A shovel to dig his own grave with. Too…many…comments…Must…restrain…
- For Lady K: Round trip airfare to New York, and tickets to see her brother's band in concert. I got her a backstage pass.
- For Moira: A new Palm Pilot to remind her when gatherings ARE.
- For Jude:
Sorry we can't manage Hanna on a platter for you, but with Lady K as a mentor, on her back is probably do-able. Bad…visual…Nightmares…Therapy…::whimper:: No, no Drake, I meant Hanna on her back, not Lady K. ::Whimper:: Hey it could have been worse…
- For Hanna: A "Get Out of Jude Free" card. Um, maybe it should be "Get Out of Vienna Free" instead. Same thing.
- For Max: A lifetime membership in the NRA.
How about a FOID card with no expiration date?
- For Malipson: A fire extinguisher. Ooooo!
- For Drake: A new mini tape recorder. I broke the last one. Fine, then…
- For Vince: A better paper shredder.
???? Have you been diving in my dumpster in again? No, fishing. I was using Exar for bait. What bites on THAT? You don't want to know.
- For Kayla: A closet organizer.
To make sure there is always room for her??
- For Lil: A Diva doll? Why so there is always something around more obnoxious than she is?
- For Phil: Gran Turismo 3. Practice for the ambulance? What ambulance? Exactly.
- For Jacob: A GPS transponder for Jude? So he always knows where to kiss ass?
- For Sibuna: Who's Sibuna?
Good question….next!
- For the real gangrel: Who's that? The one that survived the gauntlet. Oh that one… A lifetime membership to my gym. You sure about that…that sounds almost nice. True, but have you seen the life expectancy of the gangrel in Chicago? Point.
- For Exar: We will give you three steps towards the door. As long as it’s the back door.
- For Damien: Cab fair to get out of town. I don’t blame ya, I wouldn’t want to hang around Pharoh either. And Jude's any better? Not necessarily but at least more predictable. Either way when Tremere fight things get ugly.
- For Christos: A 55-gallon drum of SPF 10,000.
Have fun in California
- For Nick: Boxing lessons. Why boxing lessons. Ever see him actually hit anyone? Yeah with a dumpster. Like one can miss with a dumpster.
Well that’s a pretty extensive list. Think we forgot anyone? I think we put in people that should have been forgotten, but we wont go there. Where's your Christmas spirit Vince? Check the green fur Drake. (hums under his breath "You're a mean one") Ok fine Ebenezer I gather you want to get to the top ten list then? Bah Humbug it's from the head office in the security room…
The Top 10 Things Heard in the IU
~ 10) Me and Drake are going to step outside to vent some steam. (Syrenna to Crimson)
~ 9) Is he always like that? (Damien to Jacob in reference to Jude)
~ 8) No Drake you can't have a rant. (Crimson to Drake)
~ 7) You call that a punch? *SMACKETH!* (Blaze to Syrena, smacketh compliments of Drake)
~ 6) *Slobber* *slobber* *slobber* (Jacob trying to gum Balior)
~ 5) Sure Drake we can have a rant, we just need to pick a target. (Casey to Drake)
~ 4) Well, then can I ask you to politely step outside (Drake to Anne)
~ 3) What do you mean I just tried to gum you? (Jacob to Balior)
~ 2) Yes, but where are we going to find a tutu to fit the giraffe? (Drake to Anne)
And last of all, this issue’s number one….
~ I don’t need to justify myself to you…now just lay down and play dead! (Balior to Zach)
And on that note I think it’s time for last call, anything to add Drake? Besides the fact that tipping is no longer mandatory, but enforced? Yes Drake besides that, we've been over tipping policy already. Parking near IU can be detrimental to your car's health when royalty is visiting? Funny, I haven’t had a problem. That’s because you still can't find your Lexus. ::Grumble, Grumble:: I guess that will just about wrap things up, so until next time the bar is closed. Whatever.
Take Me Home Baby!!