[DEEP 13]

Dr. Rikonister is working on a flashlight with some cheap stuff glued to it. He sets it on a work table

Dr. R: There! Finished! Now I have a lightsaber and can finally become a dark jedi!
TV's Flash: Oh cool! Can I see it? *grabs the lightsaber off the table*
Dr. R: Uh Flash that's the wrong wa-- oh never mind
TV's Flash: OK, I flip this switch and I AAARRRGH!!!!!
Dr. R: Whoops! Now I have to reanimate Flash. Oh well, Nelson, your experiment for today is the third half of AnubisXy's magnum opus, Star Wars: The Swanky version

[SOL]

Rikronian: Oh yippee...
AnubisXy Nelson: Hey, what exactly does magnum opus mena anyway?
Tee Servo: Oh, it's Latin for "giant penguin"

sirens and flashing lights, etc.

AX: Aaagh! We have SwankySign!

[THEATER]

The three get settled. The post begins..

Ok! here it is! the third and final instalment in the thrilling trilogy, "Star Wars: A New Hope meets the Rifts Board" Hope you all enjoy it as much as the last ones..

Rikronian: Hmph! That's mean
Tee Servo: Hey come on, the last ones weren't THAT bad
Rikronian: Yes they were! They killed the only likable character!
AX: That imperial guard guy?
Rikronian: No
Tee Servo: The guy with the 12 death sentences?
Rikronian: No, Kenobi
Tee Servo: But you hated Kenobi in the movies, said he was pompous
Rikronian: Yeah, but THIS Kenobi was cool for some reason

The Cast

AX: Good because I broke my...
Rikronian: You did that joke LAST time
AX: Oh

Princess Leia: Anya - Princess Anya
Darth Vader: Cybermessiah - Cyber Vader
C-3PO: Gryphon - G-3Ryphono
R2-D2: Ottergame - Otter2-D2
Luke Skywalker: AnubisXy - Anubis Xywalker
Obi-Wan Kenobi's Voice: Rikonain - Obi-Wan Rikonian's Voice
Han Solo: Tee-Moss - Tan Mosso
Chewbacca: Edopode - Chedopacca
Stormtroopers: Stormax (duh) - Stormaxers
Chief Bast (Moff Tarkins little henchman): Rob - Chief Rob
Grand Moff Tarkin: Michael Tong - Grand Moff Tong
That old guy (whose name I forgot) that knows Leiah and is a general or something: Dead Boy: General Dead Boy
Wedge Antillies: Johnny Canuck: Wedge Canucktillies
Biggs Darklighter: Grayson Hunter - Griggs Darkhunter

[Scene opens up in the Millenium Falcon. Tan Mosso, and Princess Anya are sitting there]

Tan Mosso: "There see? We got away... sometimes I amaze even myself"

Tee Servo: Hmph, must not be too hard...

Princess Anya: "Gee, that must not be to hard

Tee Servo: Hey lady! Don't step on my lines, OK?

Tan Mosso: "Now... about my reward.."

Princess Anya: "Oh yeah... I'll give you some cash when we get there"

Tan Moso: "Hey.. umm.. I didn't want any cash, I wanted sex…"

Rikronian: Hey! Now Mosso is stepping on MY lines! What gives here?!
Tee Servo: Yeah I know
Rikronian: And I coulda used that one line too you know
AX: Hey! Don't start this again!

[Suddenly G-3ryphano comes in. He's holding Anubis Xywalker and is pointing a blaster at his head!]

G-3ryphano: "Ok, I'm sick of this stupid adventure. We're going to Swankytown so Otter2 and I can get some swanky hot droid chicks. We're going now, or I'll blow his brains out!!"

AX: I hope they get to Swankytown, that place sounds swanky
Rikronian: I hope they NEVER get to Swankytown
AX: YOu're not still sulking are you?
Rikronian: No, but if they never get to Swankytown,. then Wormie there gets it! heheheh.
AX: Hey! Wormie, er I mean XyWalker is COOL dammit! He's cool OK?

Tan Mosso: "Hahaha.. go right on ahead. See if I care."

Princess Anya: "Yeah... kill that sorry SOB. It

Tee Servo: Yeah! Kill him! Kill him! Yeah! With Fire! Fire Fire FIRE!!!!
Rikronian: Yeah huh huh that'd be cool
AX: hey! First, no more Beavis and Butthead for you two and second, XYWALKER IS COOL GET USED TO IT!!!
Bots: Sheesh

Anubis: "Bob! Bob Rikonian! Help me!"

Rikonian's Voice: "Ha! Yeah right.. you're on your own now. I'm not helping your sorry lame ass."

Rikronian: Hey, now why couldn't the MOVIE'S Kenobi be this cool?
Tee Servo: Hey, you're a fan of Hammill, why do you hate XyWalker so much?
Rikronian: I'm a fan of the NEW Hammill! The guy who voices the Joker and plays teh Trickster! Not teh Wormie Hammill

Anubis: "Argh! this isn't supposed to happen! You damn robots aren't supposed to hold me hostage, and if they did, the rest of you should stop them! This isn't fair. Besides, G-3 and Otter2... I already promised you some swanky hot droid chicks. Just wait till we get to Yavin 4 ok?"

Tee Servo: Hey, these droids are cooler too!
AX: Yeah! Lucas should hire this AnubisXy guy to write scripts for him! He's a genius
Rikronian: Uh yeah, and Sammy the Bull Gravano should dine at a fancy New York Italian restaurant

G-3ryphano: "Errr... umm.. ok, we're letting you go now... but we'd better get some swanky droid chicks, right Otter2?"

AX: Yes! They're going to spare XyWalker!
Tee Servo: Uh, you remember what I said about these droids being cooler?
Rikronian: Yeah?
Tee Servo: Well, you can smack me upsiude the head now Kro, because I was soooo wrong *sobs*
Rikronian: *Smacks Servo upside the head*

[Otter2-D2 makes some weird sounds]

AX: Hey! OtterD2 is in Depeche Mode! "Your own... personal.. Jesus...
Tee Servo: Kro... My arms don't work
Rikronian: No problemo... *Smacks AX upside the head*
AX: Ow!
Tee Servo: AnubisXy Nelson... never sing Depeche Mode again!

G-3ryphano: "Kill him anyway??? But he promised to give us some chicks!"

[Otter2-D2 makes some more noises]

Rikronian: Hey I make those same noises when I, *looks and sees AX about to clamp his beak shut* uh malfunction!
AX: Oh OK *Sits back down*
Rikronian: And also when I do it! hehe!
AX: Kro!!!

G-3ryphano: "He's lying?? How do you know?"

[Suddenly Anubis reaches back and flips a switch on G-3ryphanos back. The robot suddenly drops to the ground]

Anubis: "Because I can!! Hahaha! I am the king! I am the king of the world!!"

Tee Servo: Looks like SOMEBODY saw Titantic
Rikronian: Hey, the writer is a big fan of Dicraprio isn't he?
AX: Hey! I think you have gone too far Kro
Tee Servo: Yeah, Nelson's right, you've crossed the line. That was really mean
Rikronian: You guys are right...

Tan Mosso: "What? Damn robot got turned off! I should have KNOWN better than to put him in charge! I'll take care of you!"

[Tan Mosso pulls out a blaster and starts shooting at Anubis. Tan Mosso rolls... a 12, +3.. 15. Anubis tries to dodge... 17+0. Ok, Anubis manages to throw himself out of the way. Oops! Otter2 is right behind Anubis. Otter tries to duck.. he rolls.. a 19... 19 - 18.. ok, a modified 1. He gets hit with the shot and kind of blows up (like usual)]

Rikronain: hehe. Droids suck. Uh wait a minute
AX: Ha you jsut said
Rikronian: Of course we only do it for the right girl
AX: Kro! What is wrong with you?!
Rikronian: Uh, don't blame me! Blame Joel! He programmed all us bots!
AX: I have to have a talk with this Joel person

Tan Mosso: "Crap!! I missed!"

[Suddenly Chedopacca pulls out his bowcaster and fires at Anubis... he rolls.. natural 20! Ouch! Anubis rolls to parry... he rolls a natural 20 as well! Unfortunatly, Anubis suddenly realises that he is parrying with his arms. The arrow slams into Anubis' forearm and the poor guy gets his arm blown off. Anubis runs around the cockpit screaming and spraying blood everywhere.]

Bots: YESSS!!!
AX: Hey! You guys are just being mean now

Anubis: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[Anubis trips and activates the hyperdrive button. The ship suddenly jumps out and reapears just outside of Yavin 4. Anubis stands up and runs into the backroom (still spraying blood). Tan manages to land the ship. He, Princess Anya, and Chedopacca get off. Of course, first the reactivate G-3ryphano and give him orders to kill Anubis if he shows up. Tan, Anya and Chedo all go into the main base and quickly forget about poor Anubis. Is this it for our hero? Is he to slowly bleed to death while being ignored?

All: YES!!! Please!

No… not quite. While some robots are examining the ship, they come across Anubis. They pick him up and take him and stuff him in a bacta tank. He gets all healed up in a matter of moments.]

AX: Then they find out he's in an HMO that doesn't cover it and have to cut his new arm off and send him home
Rikronian: Wow, that's dark

Anubis: "Gee.. I wonder why everyone hates me so much.

AX: Yeah I wonder that too
Tee Servo: Because he's a dweeb

Doctor: "Because you're a dweeb!!

Rikronian: Wow, the droid stepped on your line there Servo!

Now get the hell out of my office you loser! It's a damn good thing you have insurance or you'd be dead right about now."

Anubis: "Gee whiz ok… fine… bye."

[The doctor grabs Anubis and throws his sorry ass outside.

Rikronian: Anubis spends the next half hour ont he ground searching for his sorry ass on account of he can;t walk without it...

Anubis dejectedly wanders around until he comes to a big meeting. The best pilots of the Rebellion are there.

AX: Hey! Are they as good as the best Stormaxers int he Empire?
Tee Servo: Better. It takes these guys like a minute to die
All: oooh.... Impressive

They are all looking at a screen with a picture of the Death Star.

AX: New Phillips Magnavox wide screen TVs offer greater Death Star resolution than ever
ALL: (singing) I've got to admit it's getting better....
Tee Servo: I wish THIS was getting better...

General Dead Boy is droning on and on and several of the pilots have fallen asleep.]

General Dead Boy: "And thus if you hit this small hole with your proton torpedos, it should cause a chain reaction that will blow up the Death Star. Any questions?"

Anubis: "Yeah uhh… where's the bathroom?"

Rikronian: Uh, Nelson, I have a question
AX: It's not about sex is it?
Rikronian: No
AX: OK. Shoot
Rikronian: OK, what would happen if they let Wormie go to the bathroom in the main reactor thingie?
AX: That's gross
Tee Servo: Not as gross as Wormie would look after that explosive decompression. hehehe

General Dead Boy: "Down the hall and to your left."

Anubis: "Thanks!"

[Anubis walks down the hall. He comes to a fork in the pathway.]

Rikronian: Use the Fork Luke...
Tee Servo: Wow, you do a GREAT impression of that guy
AX: Yeah it's almost as good as your Dr. Rikonister impression

Anubis: "Umm.. was it left or right…. Hmmm… umm.. I think it was right… I think.."

[Anubis wanders down the pathway to the right. He winds up in a huge docking bay. Dozens of rebel ships are here waiting for the signal to take off. Anubis wanders around somemore and bumps into some tech.]

Anubis: "Excuse me, where's the bathroom? It's really important!"

Rikronian: TOo bad Servo's not there...
Tee Servo: Why's that?
Rikronian: Well, you DO look like a hydrant...
Tee Servo: If I had working arms....

Tech: "Umm.. err.. I'm busy."

Anubis: "It's IMPORTANT!"

AX: You're impotent?

Tech: "Over there somewhere.."

[The tech vaugley motions off somewhere to the left. Anubis wanders around and comes to another tech."

Anubis: "Excuse me, but…"

Rikronian (Ass XyWalker): ...that tech over there said I should pee on you

Tech2: "AHH! No time! Hurry hurry hurry!!"

[The tech grabs Anubis and shoves him into an X-wing. They quickly stuff Otter2-D2 in there as well. The X-wing suddenly takes off under it's own violation]

Anubis: "Help! Where is this taking me?? Help!! I gotta go to the bathroom! Let me out!"

Tee Servo: Oh jsut go in the cockpit. It's not like you won't be messing it anyway when those TIE fighters show up
AX: Hey!
Rikronian: Hey, wonder how it got the name...
AX: Kro...
Rikronian: uh never mind

[Otter2-D2 makes a couple of rude sounding noises and continues to pilot the plane out of the hanger. Soon the entire rebel fleet (all 10 or so ships) are flying towards the Death Star. The whole time, Anubis is screaming and crying to be let out.]

Wedge Canuktillies: "Damnit Red 5! Shut the hell up! We don't wanna listen to your whiny bullshit!"

ALL: WEDGE! The TRUE hero of the series!

Griggs Darkhunter: "Damn right Wedge! You'd better shut the hell up Anubis before I come back there and smack your sorry ass!"

Anubis: "Nobody likes me! This sucks! I thought you were my friend Griggs.. and I still gotta go to the bathroom."

[Suddenly, Griggs' ship pulls up short, turns around and fires a couple blasts at Anubis.]

Griggs: "I said shut the hell up you whiny piece of crap!"

Tee Servo: How does a piece of crap know when it's done going to the bathroom?

Anubis: "Ok ok ok ok!! Sorry.. geeze.."

[Griggs gets back into formation, and the rebel fighters continue towards the Death Star. The fighters fly in and shoot up the turrets.]

[Scene changes. We are now in the Death Star. Chief Rob approaches Cyber Vader]

Chief Rob: "Sir… the small ships are just to fast for the turbolasers."

Rikronian (As CyberVader): Dammit! I knew we should have ordered teh FAST turbolasers!

Cyber Vader: "Order the TIE pilots to engage them in ship to ship combat."

Chief Rob: "Yes Sir."

[Some quick blah blah blah. Ok, the TIEs swoop out and start firing on the X-wings. Griggs, Wedge and Anubis make some great rolls and manage to blow most of them up. Then the three fly down into the trench to try to blow up the Death Star. Suddenly, from out of the blue,

AX: Not a word Kro...
Rikronian: uh..
AX: I mean it

Cyber Vader and two cronies fly down! They start firing at the good guys.]

Cyber Vader: "Hahaha!"

[Vader fires at Wedge and manages to tag him. Wedge is forced to flee the battle.]

Cyber Vader: "Hahaha!"

[Cyber Vader then fires at Griggs. Griggs does some fancy flying, but unfortunatly, he is of no match for the Force. Cyber Vader blows Griggs into a thousand particles.

Rikronian: So I guess he has a hole in that mask so Griggs could get his Mpph mpph ack
AX *lets go of Rikronian's beak* Rikronian T Robot! I am shocked and disappointed

Cyber Vader: "Hahaha!"

[Suddenly, Anubis hears a voice in his head.]

Tee Servo: Oh great... now Kenobi will give him mystic advice and help him win..

Rikonians's Voice: "Hahaha! Now you'll die you dweeb! Hahaha"

Tee Servo: hey kenobi rocks!
AX: Uh I really think you guys are being to rough on XyWalker

[Suddenly, a voice comes out of the radio! The Millenium Falcon has returned!]

Tan Mosso: "Damnit Anubis! You're still alive?? After all the stuff that's happened to you? Well I'll fix that!"

[The Millenium Falcon fires a shot at Anubis… rolls.. a 1!! Ok, He misses as blasts the fighter next to Cyber Vader. The Tie tries to roll with impact… ARGH! Another 1! Ok, the tie explodes and knocks Cyber Vader off into deep space. The other Tie slams into the wall and explodes.]

Rikronian: Hey! This reminds me of that time we were all playing Heroes and you were gonna jump off of that rooftop to save Flash's character, but you rolled a 1, and ended up almost killing him instead. hehehehe
AX: I thought that you weren't going to bring that up anymore

Anubis: "Take pot shots at me huh? Well, we'll just see about that! I got a ship now you know!"

[Anubis turns the ship around and fires a pair of photon torpedoes at Han Mosso… Anubis rolls… a 1! Argh! Ok he hits the Death Star… the Death Star rolls 1d100 to see where it got hit… a 100!! What do you know!! The torpedoes go down the hatch. Anubis, Han and the others quickly flee just moments before the Death Star blows up in a firery explosion]

Tee Servo: "Han"? Who the hell is this "Han: person? Did the writer slip the movie Han Solo into the story for a paragraph?
Rikronian: No, he just meant to type in "Tan"

Anubis: "Wow! I'm a hero!! I saved the galaxy!"

Tan Mosso: "You're still a dumbass"

Tee Servo (as XyWalekr): Wow! I'm a dumbass! I saved the whole galaxy!

[Ok… new scene. We see Anubis, Han and Chedopacca standing around looking spiffy. Music fills the room, and a pair of doors open up. The three heroes walk down into a large cerimonial hall. Hundreds of Rebels stand there, look onward. Han, Chedo and Anubis continue onward and soon reach the podium. Suddenly, there is a shout.]

G-3ryphano: "Anubis Xywalker! Blaster, locked on target

Bots: YES!!!

[G-3ryphano fires off a blast at Anubis!!! Rolls… a 1!!! Oh no!! What horrible thing is going to happen now?

Tee Servo: Horrible thing? Oh no, Wormie's gonna survive and they'll make another of these...

Rolls a 1d100 to see who gets hit… another 1??? Oh my God! He shoots… some guy in a cloak. Hmm. Who could that be? OH NO! Suddenly the figurepulls off the cloak and reveals that it's none other than George Lucas!!!]

Tee Servo (As Wormie): Hey! Mr. Lucas! I loved Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

George Lucas: "AHHHHHH!!! Now I'm PISSED!!!"

AX: Ironic, since it's XyWalker who had to go all this time...
Tee Servo: It's like ra-a-a-a-ain on a rainy day...

[George Lucas pulls out a twin-lightsaber and swings it around.

AX: Yeah! Swing! Now swing is swanky!
Rikronian: Oh, that's like Billy Joel right?

He decapitates several people in the audience. Then he throws it (spear like) at Anubis.]

George: "Jack up my movie with you stupid shit will you? You'll pay! You'll pay dearly! Bwahahahahahaha!!"

[George rolls… a natural 20!!! Anubis tries to throw himself out of the way.. 1!!! ARGH! Ok, the thing slams into Anubis' arm and chops it off again.

Tee Servo: Hello, my name is AnubisXyWalker and not only am I the president of the Arm Club, I'm also a client
Rikronian: Hey, if you apply for employment there, do you get a "hand job"?

Blood sprays over the crowd and Anubis starts screaming.]

Anubis: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

George: "Maybe you'll think twice next time before you infringe on my copyrights. Bwahahahahaha!"

Tee Servo: Actually, according to my legal database, this is a paraody, which is protected under the fair use clause
Rikronian: Uh, this drivel isn't fair to anyone

[George suddenly vanishes, his mission complete. Anubis grabs his arm and tries to stick it back on. Nothing happens.]

Anubis: "Damnit! Being a necromancer would REALLY come in handy right about now"

Tee Servo: Uh what exactly IS a necromancer anyway?
Rikronian: It's some dude who romances dead people
AX: No it is NOT! It's someone who uses black magic to revive the dead for his or her nefarious purposes
Rikronian: Yeah, like nookie

[Anyway, Anubis winds up getting a new arm, Tan Mosso winds up getting some cash (to pay a certain villainous crime-lord back), Chedopacca winds up getting it on with several visiting wookies, G-3ryphano and Otter2-D2 manage to hook up with 12 swanky hot droid chicks. Princess Anya takes over the Rebellion and that's the end of this story.]

All: YES!! Finally...

THE END!

And that's it! Stay turned for next time kiddies!

Tee Servo: Nooooo!!!!
Rikronian: (As Paccino): Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in again...

AnubisXy
Mayor of Swankytown

The whole exit sequence thingie happens. We find our stranded heroes on the bridge

AX: Hey the hexfield is opening up

The hexfield opens to reveal Tan Mosso, hero of the fanfic and a blue translucent Obi Wan Rikonian

Tee Servo: Wow! Tan Mosso! You are like my idol man!
Rikronian: yeah! And you rock Obi Wan!
Tan Mosso: Hey guys, we heard that Wormie came through this sctor and wanted to check this place out, see if any of you guys know anything

AnubisXy Nelson is acting nervous, darting his eyes back and forth. "Uh gee guys, I uh hope youi find him..."

Tan: Uh yeah. Say... Haven't we seen you somewhere?

AnubisXy Nelson: Uh, no. I don't think so!

Rikronian: Uh, this isn't the temp you are looking for. We can go now
Tee Servo (whispering): Uh Kro., it's THEM who are gonna go rememebr?"
Rikronian: Oh yeah, uh, this isn't the temp you are looking for, you can go now

Tan Mosso: Uh, Bob, I don't think that's the temp we're looking for, they, er I mena we can go now
Obi Wan Rikonian: Uh damn that's good. Say, do you need a Jedi mentor?

Rikronian: Uh, no offense, but you tutored Wormie and Vader and look how THEY turned out

The hexfield closes

AX: Uh, well sirs, what did you think?

[DEEP 13]

Dr. Rikonster is standing and staring at TV's Flash, who is accross the room. The good, er bad, doctor is waving his right hand around in Flash's general direction while looking at a yellow and black covered book with the title "The Dark Side for Dummies". Flash raised his hand to his throat, then calmly scratches an itch there

Dr R.: Damn! I've been reading this for weeks! Oh, Nelson glad you're there. I need to try something. Uh, ah yes... you want to hop on one foot and sing the Monty Python Lumberjack song

[SOL]

AX: Yeah, right! *chortles*

[DEEP 13]

Dr. R: *tosses book into back of room: This book sucks. Heh. And to think the clerk at Borders said the Force gives you power over weak minds
TV's Flash: The Force gives me power over weak mi--- hey! Cut that out!
Dr. R: It worked! OK. Flash. You want to press the button...
TV's Flash: No I don't
Dr. R.: *Gets big foam rubber giant mallet out again* Oh I think you do...
TV's Flash: Ulp! *Pushes button*

Vwooosh!

Theme song, credits, etc.

[Rikonian tosses the Swanksaber to Anubis. Rik rolls.. a natural 1!! oh no! Anubis tries to dodge out of the way and rolls.. ARGH! he rolls a 1 too! Ok, the Swankswaber cuts Anubis's arm off]

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