CHAPTER I
"And our next guest is the world's greatest superhero, Captain Riko!"
The audience cheered. Merv Griffon, the newest talk-show sensation (no relation to Merv Griffin) grinned
a the audience. "Right after this break."
Merv blinked a couple times to get his contacts back in right. Then he casually flipped through his copy of
(magazine name deleted by CDA).
The band music played and pulled Merv out of his reverie. "Oh, ah, we're back. And here is my next
guest, Captain Riko!"
A tall muscular guy with a black bodysuit, silver cape and red visor swoops down from a rafter and lands
effortlessly in a chair. He grins to the camera. ""Don't do drugs, kids!" he says earnestly.
"Ah, Captain, it is really great to finally have you on the show. I, as well as every else, am a big fan"
"Ah yes, well... uh-oh! My Riko-Sense is tingling! There's danger afoot!"
Somewhere, Weasel Boy watched the show going "Oh sure, he can rip off the Spider-Sense, but I can't
rip off the neogenics radioactive bite story!"
Captain Riko lifted out of his chair and flew out of the studio.
"Oh, time for a another commercial break!" Merv Griffon blurted out as he got out from behind the desk
and ran backstage to his dressing room.
"I thought I'd never have a secret ID when the studio said I had to ditch the glasses," Merv mused as he
doffed his suit, revealing a spandex superhero suit beneath. "But I'm smarter than that!" he amended as he
reached for the final touch of his superhero ID... a pair of thick-lensed Salvation Army eyeglasses.
The Griffon flew out of his window. Well, out of the newfound gap in his wall about two feet away from
his window.
There was a flying saucer on top of the studio. Captain Riko was confronting a guy with pointy ears and
antennae who was wearing a silver tinfoil suit. "Earthling, I am Mikaltong, of the Andromedan fleet.
Surrender your world or die!"
"This is it!" The Griffon thought, "my big chance. Hmm, there appear to be three of those alien guys! I'll
take out the one on the right!"
The Griffon flew toward the alien guy at about 200 miles per hour, and zoomed right past him to crash
into a Pepsi billboard.
Meanwhile, Captain Riko casually walked up to the flying saucer, reached up and tore it in two. "Hey!"
Mikeltong shouted, "You can't do that!"
Just before punching Mikeltong out, Captain Rico grinned and said "Evil doesn't pay."
* * *
"I'm evil enough, I'm powerful enough, and doggone, people fear me!" Alistair Dunscon said as he looked
into his handheld mirror. A well-worn copy of Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmations For Evil Overlords
sat opened on a table to his side.
"You have mail!" his computer intoned.
Alistair levitated over to his Mac and checked his inbox
YOU HAVE _1_ MESSAGE
Your Time is Over: Traxus@aol.com
"Ha, I'm not afraid of him!" Alistair thought as he clicked the link that would bring up this preposterous
message.
Alistair, I have decided that your empire will be added to my own. I
will be by shortly to collect.
Oh, I almost forgot. I didn't have time to change Thraxus' screen
name, so you probably don't know that this is the Lord High Rikonian
Alistair recoiled in horror. "What? Why would the Lord High Rikonian be interested in my little kingdom?"
"Perhaps because it's a conveneint stepping stone in my quest for dominion over all life in the Megaverse,"
Alistair spun around to see a smirking Lord High Rikonian standing there, hovering a few inches off the
floor. "Or maybe it's because I read that column you wrote about me in Mages Weekly." The Lord High
Rikonian landed, and began walking toward Dunscon.
"Oh yeah? Well, oh yeah? Huh? Well, er, um, Carpet of Adhesion!"
The Rikonian stopped in his tracks. Alistair called forth a fireball, and aimed it at the Rikonian, who
casually stepped out of the way.
"What? But I cast Carpet of Adhesion!"
"Yes, but did you know that Rikonian Enterprises makes a special anti carpet of adhesion boot? Small
breakaway monomolecular panels in the soles break off as they stick to the floor. I can take up to 500
steps with these deluxe models before the actual soles of my boots are exposed. I can even dance a little
Irish gig."
Celtic music plays, seemingly coming from nowhere.
"Not now, Archduke Proteus of the Tirpsicalian Muse, I'm not really going to dance an Irish gig."
Dunscon used the Rikonian's brief instant of distraction to cast Call Lightning. But no bolt came from the
sky.
"We're indoors, dumbass. But you did succeed in knocking out your satellite dish. No, correction, my
satellite dish"
Dunscon cast a fireball spell, but as the fireball formed in his hand, he was engulfed in a fireball and died a
horrible death.
The Lord High Rikonian casually wavedd a hand in front of his face to dispel the fumes coming from the
evil wizard's charred corpse. "And to think, I thought that Extreme Gastric Flatulence spell I learned all
those years ago would never come in handy."
* * *
Spinning knobs attached, Bri went down to the local pub to see if his friend Mek had got back from his
vacation at Sw@nkyland yet. He was shocked to see several police cars outside the bar entrance. He
walked in and saw his friend lying dead in the pool room doorway. He jsut shrugged, walked over,
kicked him and said "Hey, get up!"
"Excuse me, this is a crime scene!" A police officer shouted as he pulled Bri away from Mek's corpse.
Then he noticed the knobs. "Oh, sorry, guess you can't help it, can you. Look, uh" the officer pulled an
old minidisk out of his pocket and showed the reflective side to Bri. "Look, shiny!" he said as he handed it
to him.
Just then, Mek shook violently, and pulled his way slowly off the floor. Everyone int he bar was screaming
and freaking out, except for Bri.
"Don't know what they're all surprised by. Chumbawumba gets knocked down, he gets back up again."
* * *
"Friggin Odin!" Elemental said, for the 50th time that day.
"Just because I got drunk and made a pass at his daughter, he stuck me in this frickin human form!"
"Wait a minute," Xar, The Elemental's warlock friend said, "Odin doesn't have a daughter."
"Sure he does!" The Elemetnal protested.
"Nope, no he doesn't. Hey, wait a minute. THis daughter, did she have long blonde hair?"
"Yes!"
"And was she slender, or kind of chunky?"
"She was a bit chunky, but not fat"
"And did she have any accessories"
"Well, let's see. She was wearing a frilly pink dress and had a black handbag, and... oh yeah, a hammer
was clipped to her belt."
"Dude!" Xar said, "That was Thor!"
"No! It couldn't be"
"Uh yeah. You see, once a long time ago, Thor's hammer was stolen, so he had to sneak into Frost Giant
territory to get it back. Loki suggested he disguise himself as a woman. Thor got the hammer back, but he
kept the dress. Turns out he found out he likes it."
"Oh god, I need a drink," The Elemental sighed.
* * *
"You've been stealing underpants again haven't you?" The troll asked.
"Uh no..." the gnome said.
"Dude, why do you do that?"
"Uh, the Great Gnomish Lawgiver said that gay gnomes have to steal underpants. Straight gnomes have to
steal bras."
"But why?"
"The Great Gnomish Lawgiver wants to start his own megaversal undergarments store."
"Oh... uh, OK, but can you at least keep them off the floor?"
* * *
Captain Rikonian flew down to Justice Force headquarters. He heard that a couple martial artists were
being interviewed to join the group and wanted to meet them personally to make sure they were qualified.
As he walekd into the Great Hall of the building, he saw that Flash Fighter and ROnin were already there
and had apparently made a good impression on the other members of the team.
Weasel Boy was showing them the team's special scientific equipment.
"Cool!" Flash Fighter said. "Hey, what do these toggles do?" He flipped a few.
"No wait! Dont do tha---" Captain Rikonian vanished in a blinding flash of light. All that remained was a
pair of smoking boots and some ash.
"Uh," Flash said as he suddenly pointed to Weasel Boy "He did it!"
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