Star Trek: TNG Meets Microsoft
Picard:
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you
been able to access their command
pathways?
Geordi:
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the
computer
screen.
Riker [puzzled]
What the hell is Microsoft?
Data [turns to
explain]
Allow me to explain. We will send this
program,
for some reason called Windows, through the Borg
command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin
consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard:
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data:
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it
creates
a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use
of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will
not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of
their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for
their normal operational functions.
Picard:
Excellent work. This is even better than that
unsolvable
geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data:
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in
the
Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of
all
available resources. However, we have not received any
confirmation
of the expected upgrade.
Geordi:
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU
capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade
to
compensate for their increase.
Picard:
Data,
scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we
have missed.
Data:
Sir, I believe there is a reason
for the failure in the
upgrade. Appearently the Borg have
circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their
registration cards.
Riker:
Captain, we have no
choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence
3F!
Geordi: [excited]
Wait, Captain! Their
CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !
Picard:
Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: [studying
displays]
Appearently the Borg have found the internal
Windows
module named Solitaire, and it has used up
all available CPU
capacity.
Picard:
Lets wait
and see how long this Solitaire can reduce
their
functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker:
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi:
As
expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon
to transmit more Windows modules from
something called the
Microsoft Fun-Pack.
Picard:
How much time will that buy us?
Data:
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time
span
of 6 more hours.
Geordi:
Captain, another
vessel has entered our sector.
Picard:
Identify.
Data:
It appears to have markings very similar to
the Microsoft
logo...
[over the
speakers]
This is admiral Bill Gates of the
Microsoft flagship
MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation
of unregistered
software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we
can avoid any
trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.
Data:
The alien ship has just opened its forward
hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard:
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker:
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating
straight
toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can
they
survive the tortures of deep space?!
Data:
I
dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look
closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying
something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather
briefcases, and
wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard,
together [horrified]
Lawyers!!
Geordi:
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data:
True, but appearently some must have survived.
Riker:
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types
of papers.
Data:
I believe that is known in ancient
vernacular as red
tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker:
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard:
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the
Borg
doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!
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