Lindaru's Humour
B5 LIMERICK:
There once was an Earther from Narn
Who ate nothing but spoo and flarn
He thought it so great,
That he stacked on the weight,
And of excercise, did not give a darn!
He passed through security with elation
For he had rented quarters on-station
But his happiness was through
When they charged him for two
And then dared to blame it all on inflation!
What If the Characters on B5 Had Their Own Businesses--Lindaru's Version
G'Kar's New Age and Inspiration Book Store and Institute of Higher Learning--All enrollment fees and sales final. No refunds if you don't "get it" by the end of the course.
Londo's Haunted Nightmare Theme Park--A thrill a minute...heart-stopping action...no refunds to survivors. Check out the biggest thing since Pet Rocks in Londo's gift shop--Keepers! Be sure to watch the live fireworks nightly.
Zathras and Brothers' Technical Device Repair and Sales--Specialising in Time Stabilisers! This week they are having a contest--if your name is drawn, you win a trip back in time 1,000 years! Unfortunately, there are no winners to date. (Points) You are not the one (points elsewhere) and you are not the one (points elsewhere again) and you are not the one...
Emperor Cartagia's Head Shop--Forget those Lonely Hearts' Clubs, there are a lot more lonely HEADS! For additional fees, you can even have the head of someone now alive! If you join the lifetime membership plan, the Emperor will personally see to it that you witness your own destruction while viewing the spectacular event of his becoming a God!
Garibaldi's All Looney Toons Channel--Yes, you CAN see Daffy Duck 24 hours a day! Some viewers may notice that there will be occasional breaks in programming due to the fact that the channel-owner is too drunk to push the next tape in.
Dr. Franklin's Guided Walk-About Tours--Shed your dignity and take a trip to Down Below on this exciting tour filled with real-live brawls, thievery and murder. For those who have always wanted to know how "the other half lives", this is your chance to see it up-close and personal! Who knows? You may even meet YOURSELF there!
Anna Sheridan and Lyta Alexander's Makeover Studio--Ladies, you do not have to be stuck with what you were born with. Let our experienced Shadow and Vorlon makeover artists enhance your inner beauty and give you abilities you never even DREAMED of! When you look in the mirror, you will not see your old self! Promise!
Bester's Psi-Corps Hotline--Tired of all those so-called "free psychic hotlines"? All they give you are vague answers to your most burning questions. But Bester's Psi-Corps Hotline is GUARANTEED to lead you in the direction you want to go. If you have no telepathic abilities of your own, Bester can fix you so that you have a mission in life. HIS mission! If you DO have telepathic abilities of your own, Bester can fix you so that you have a mission in life. HIS mission! Most importantly, this is a free call! Dial 1-888-MUNDANE if you are nontelepathic or 1-888-SUCKERS if you have unregistered telepathic abilities. Call now! What have you got to loose?
Babylon 5 Books and Other Publications
The ISN Universal Enquirer has hit the newstands! Get your copy today! Headlines for today include:
"President Clark Proved to Be Reincarnation of Hitler" (page 8)
"Stims May Actually RID Toxins From Your System" (page 14)
"Baseball-Costumed Teddy Bear Floating in Space May Collide With Earth At Comet Force" (page 41)
"Flarn and Spoo Revealed As Ancient Medicines Per Dead Sea Scrolls" (page 49)
"Za'ha'dum Real Estate Makes Fortune 9600 Group" (page 76)
Pick up YOUR copy today! Enquiring minds want to know!
On the Top-Ten Selling List--Susan Ivanova's "Smart-Mouthed and Stinging Answers to Stupid Questions and Requests"! Never be caught holding the conversational ball. Get your point across with humour and sarcasm--Susan shows you how! Available now in the Babylon 5 Gift Shoppe.
Another new release coming soon--John Sheridan's "How to Succeed In Spite of Your Stress". This book will show you the secrets of how to get that promotion from Captain to President using such unconventional means as being captured and subjected to torture, diving to your death, nearly having an entire planet's defense grid blow you out of existence, and MORE! Never again suffer the stress of menial day-to-day harrassment and heavy workloads. Unlock your potential in an exciting and creative way!
Londo Mollari's Campaign Promises
The Vorlon and Human candidates will get right down to business. What fun is that? You need someone in office who knows how to just "get down"!
Vote Londo and Vir! A spoo in every pot! Fancy clothes for everyone! A hot time in the old town tonight! Londo and Vir...the "new" blood in the Palace will bring fresh perspective to you and your needs! Let life in the government be "vital" again! Break out the wine! Get yourselves drunk and get down and vote for the two BEST candidates--Londo and Vir!
Click HERE to go back to Emperor Cartagia's Humour Palace.
Click HERE to go back to Centauri Prime.
