"In the Kingdom of the Blonde"
A Continuing Parody Story, @Early 1999 by Various Posters at the Official Babylon 5 Site's Message-Board.
Hello, Lady Keel Shanri speaking, and welcome to the New and Improved B5 Parody Story. This story is still at the Official Babylon 5 Site's Message Board; even now you may see the latest segment, Part 6. Feel free to add to it if you like. This edition needs a bit of introduction, however. I have edited it, but only slightly. The authors' misspellings and grammar mistakes have been left in unless they made it hard to understand a sentence. I have also left the various parody character names the way they were, rather than trying to keep them all the same for continuity's sake. After all, the names others came up with were very often much funnier than mine!
About "Metacomments":
"Metacomments" are the little notes that authors write to each other within a message board thread-story. I was originally going to take them all out until I realised that in many cases, the comments are PART of the humour! They may not be part of the story, but they are part of the humour, and this thing fits into BOTH categories! So I kept them--but only when they were friendly, funny, or useful.
What I Did NOT Keep:
Flames, porno entries (there was a big argument about keeping this story PG-13), questions about "How come no-one adds to this anymore?" or "Where's so-and-so?" They are not funny and add nothing to the story. On the other hand, I sometimes put swear words back IN where I thought the board's prissy little censor program was being unnecessarily prudish.
All in all, even though the other authors kicked my butt in terms of funniness and creativity, I DID leave one lasting legacy in this story: "Ambassador Delay". For some reason, the Valley-Girl-ised version of Delenn really caught on; she was almost never written out of character and it took a long time before her name was changed even once! Compare this to most of the other characters, whose names changed on an almost second-to-second basis. Weird...
At any rate, enjoy the story, and remember: "Metacomments" are in italics; the actual story is in normal text. Bon appetit!
Segment Author: Lady Keela Shanri
This will be a parody Babylon 5 thing. Anyone is free to add to it--it will be an interactive story, hopefully something like that one we had going a while back in which EVERYBODY ended up mixing up all different universes and such. There are only two rules:
1. Try to end each section you write with some kind of cliffhanger, or dangling sentence with a punchline that can be answered by someone else, etc. Leave something hanging for the next person.
2. Make it AS SILLY AS POSSIBLE!! I will be using parody names for the characters, station, races, etc. but you do not have to use those names if you don't want to. I'm just saying this ahead of time so nobody will be confused.
"In the Kingdom of the Blonde".
(I'm starting it, I get to name it!) Oh, and this takes place in the mid-THIRD season, right after B5 broke off from Earth. So bear in mind who all is still alive then who isn't by Season Five.
Captain John Sure-Enough gazed out the front window of Space Station Sumeria Jive, wondering what strange thing would happen this week. As he did so, he noticed that the cleaning crews had left spots on the window again; it was really quite annoying. "Commander Chevy-Nova", he turned to his first officer, "What weird thing do you think will happen this week?"
She looked up from the papers she was reading. "Well, according to this script, we're going to have a new ship full of Narn security guards arrive here and do their training excercises in the Zocalo at exactly the same time as we have a mixed Centauri/Human wedding ceremony going on, and the Centauri bride's family's ship will arrive at exactly the same moment as the Narn ship and total chaos will erupt and everyone will go crazy. I also believe Mr. Morden will turn into a Spice Boy, the Drazi will start a swordfight, and Mr. Lennier will accidentally drink some spiked punch at the wedding reception and go nuts. Oh, and Delenn will turn into a Valley Girl. This will all be caused by some wacko Psi Cops who come on board and accidentally mind-whammy EVERYONE instead of just one person like they intended."
"Wow", said Sure-Enough, "how do you know all this stuff?"
She shrugged. "It's a Russian thing."
"Well, who are the people getting married, if you know so much?"
"The Human is Sgt. Zack Allen" (why not?) "and the Centauri he's marrying is...oh, wait, the teaser is over, we have to do the opening credits now."
(Shots of the station and ships and junk sweep majestically across the screen as Chevy-Nova intones:) "The Sumeria Project was our last, best hope for a cheap buck. It failed. But in the year of the Creepy-Crawlie War, it became something else--our last best hope--for FREE PARKING! The year is 2260. The place...Sumeria Jive." Pictures of all the various top officers and alien Ambassadors went across the screen with their names.
Afterwards, Chevy-Nova turned to Sure-Enough and told him: "Zack Allan is going to be marrying..."
(NEXT!)
Segment Author: Lanzman
...one of Lando Mollarisian's ex-wives. I'm not sure which one, but I think Lando used to refer to her as 'pestilence'."
Sure-enough shivered. "I think I'd rather go looking for CreepyCrawlies on K'At'sadum, that evil little planet no-one ever comes back from." Chevy-nova was about to agree when suddenly the HooVorlon ambassador, Koosh, drifted mysteriously into C and C.
"Blue-light special in aisle five," the HooVorlon intoned in his/her/its sepulchural voice. The distant sound of some fantastic vacumn cleaner echoed in his/her/its words.
"My GOD!" Sure-enough gasped. "Are you saying..."
...continued...
Segment Author: Adira
"...you will ALL be able to afford cheese with your crackers," intoned Koosh, and glided away on his skateboard.
Meanwhile, Downunder, in that dark and dingy part of the station where all the riff-raff hang out, Zack Allen's boss and best man, Mickey Goingbaldy, was trying to sober him up in time for the wedding. "Why, why, WHY?" he groaned as Goingbaldy tried to dunk his head in a bucket of water. "Why me?"
"You should have known better than to buy a ticket in a raffle run by Lando," Goingbaldy said as he seized Zack by the nose and tipped a pot of hot black coffee down his throat.
"But how was I to know that Lando's Surprise Prize was his ex-second wife Doggeared? That he was raffling her off to save on alimony?" asked Zack (explaining things for the audience who hadn't tuned in the previous week or who were too dense to follow what was going on).
"Never trust a Sensori, that's what I always say," said Goingbaldi. "Do you know who won *second* prize?" he added with a leer.
Zack was about to say, "No?" and "Do tell?" and "What *was* second prize?" when in rushed Lando's assistant Fear, flustered and out breath as usual. "Come quickly!" he panted. "I mean - that is - ooh, I'm sorry - something terrible has happened!"
Segment Author: Robt
"It's Citizen G'Tar! He's, ooh, he's really... I mean, well, he... He's going to... That is he-"
"Spit it out," said Goingbaldy, irritably, "We don't have time for your traditional sputtering, and the way you're going on, we could be here all day!"
"G'tar is going to kill Lando!" exclaimed Fear.
"You mean 'Londo'?" asked Zack, with that I'm-about-five-steps-behind-everybody-else tone to his voice that everyone knew so well.
"Well," began Fear, "I did, until Lanzman changed his name to Lando in the last post!"
Goingbaldy looked concerned. Clearly G'Tar struck a sour note with him. "Let's go!" he said, "I know a shortcut to the Ambassadorial section." Zack and Fear followed Goingbaldy past the Jefferies tubes, to the turbolift.
"How the hell did we get into the Star Trek set?" thought Zack, wondering why they didn't just take a taxi. As they approached the ambassador's rooms, they heard the raised voice of the Sensori ambassador's voice...
"Get out of my room immediately!" Lando cried. "And shut the door behind you, you spotty marsupial. What? Were you born in a Narn?"
Goingbaldy jumped through the door, PPG in hand, ready for anything (including pink elephants, which, by now, he was more or less used to). He was stopped short, however when he saw...
Segment Author: Lady Keela Shanri
Okay, first of all, before I jump back into the story, Adira, I have to say, "Goingbaldy" and "Downunder" both made me CRACK UP!! Whoever it was that came up with Zack wanting to take a TAXI that was great, too...I was going to call the Centauri the "Centipedes" but "Sensori" works as well...and the Vorlons were going to be the Nylons. (Loth-Lorien: "Are you aware you're wearing Nylons?" Sure-Enough: "It's strictly a COMFORT thing!" hee hee...) but Hoo-Vorlons works as well...you see, this was originally going to be a story I would actually write myself, but when I couldn't figure out where the heck to go with it, I decided to turn it over to you guys. But the NAMES I had okay...
And now, some more parody names for future reference: Ambassador Delay of the Mini-Bar Federation, B'Zar of the Darn Regime (you can call him G'Tar if you want), Londo's new parody name is BETTER than the one I came up with, so I'll leave it alone... Ambassador Koosh of the Nylons or Hoo-Vorlons, whichever. Commander Saucy Chevy-Nova, Lenient (Delay's assisstant), Star Furies are Moon Fuzzies, Dr. Frankly, Alfred Blister of the Psychic Enemies Network, Tally-Ho Summers (dead, schmed...) Mr. Mordor (couldn't resist--I'm not a huge Tolkien fan, but that one, along with Lorien, is just TOO obvious...) Fear Cocoa, Flack Mallet, and Pita Salamander (the more teeps, the merrier...) Oh, and the Drazi are Drowsy, they fight over yellow and red not green and purple, the Earth Alliance is The Human League (yes, after the New Wave band), and PPG stands for "Pretty Painful Gun". And now, back to our story...
Nike Goingbaldy stopped when he saw...Ambassador Delay, twirling around in a new dress, much different than anything else he'd ever seen on her. It was short, with a huge ruffle on the bottom of the skirt, and had no sleeves, and she was wearing it with stretch pants and TONS of plastic bangles all up and down her arms. Her face was buried under about ten tons of makeup and her hair was dyed BLONDE and poofed out hugely to the sides."Oh, Lando," she gushed, "thank you so much for reccomending that Sensori dress-shop to me, this outfit is just, like, SOOOO cool!" She giggled. "This would be like SO totally radical to like totally wear to the like wedding, like ya know?" Lando looked as if he was about to be ill, but he took advantage of the distraction to push B'Zar out of his room, and B'Zar pushed Delay in front of HIM, so soon they were both out in the corridor without having any idea what had happened. "Chief!" said B'Zar upon seeing Goingbaldy. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to keep you from killing Lando," said Goingbaldy. "Why else?"
"Oh, no, I wasn't going to kill him," said B'Zar. "I found a bomb in his room that's powerful enough to take out the entire station and I was about to disarm it when you arrived! You learn that kind of thing, growing up in a resistance cell, you know."
Flack Mallet looked pale. "How much time do we have left?" he rasped worriedly."Oh, I would say, less than a minute," said B'Zar casually. "In fact, the ONLY thing that could possibly save us now is..."
Segment Author: Bonecrusher
...the ONLY thing that could possibly save us now is..." B'Zar turned and looked at someone who was standing just off to his side. Goingbaldi followed his gaze and was dumbfounded (he started to stutter b- b- b- b- b- ut). Zack Mallet, still in a some-what drunken stupor, groggily looked at who they were staring at and holy-cow unable to believe what his eyes saw, he, right there & then, did indeed CHUNDER! (and quiet magnificently I might add).
Meanwhile the object of their gaze stopped poofing her hair and caught the stares of the 2 beings, "Whaaat" said Delay.
B'Zar with no time to waste grabs Delay and says "Delay, there is no time to delay! We need your XY2 HairGel Modulator NOW, there's a bomb.." but before B'Zar could finish, Delay whipped out her secret weapon, turning towards Goingbaldi she said "hellooo...like stop with the b- b- b- b- and open the d- d- d- door", with a little help from B'Zar's kick in the butt to help snap him out of it, Goingbaldi gave the command to overide the door controls. Delay ran in and with the help of B'Zar located the bomb which was very cleverly hidden in Lando's hair. With a Xena-like "aiyee aiyee" Delay dunked the whole bottle of the "XY2 HairGel Modulator" on top of Lando's head, the threat of the bomb exploding now gone.
Delay stood there triumphant, she was truely, absolutely like totally RAD ok! Zack Mallet at the door swore he could see her bathed in light. Lando, his glorious hair now limp, could only stare at her. B'Zar and Goingbaldi also stared.
"Whaaat...like haven't you seen hair gel on a bomb before.." she shrugged and poofed her hair, wondering if she should go and salvage some of that XY2 HairGel Modulator, fat chance of getting any from earth now, she was still miffed at Captain Sure-enough for starting that thingy war with earth, and then had to go rescue his sorry ass and another thing, people like totally forget I'm a really bitchin' babe you know, I'm always out there saving somebody's beeeehind! Delay is still muttering to herself as she walks out the door.
Zack Mallet is a bit stunned but is becoming sober quiet fast, he remembers the wedding, holy cow HIS WEDDING, and upon seeing Lando his eyes become wide, he begins to shake with anger, he reaches for his......
From: Satai Trigati
Side note--Keela, the Mini-bar thing is so funny. Actually the Canadian TV Guide calls Minbar "Minibar" everytime they air "In the Beginning".
Segment Author: Lady Keela Shanri
Why, thank you, Trigati! By the way, I forgot to say this earlier, but I'm not trying to force anyone to use my parody names instead of their own, I'm just throwing the ideas out as a friendly suggestion. Oh, yes, and another one--Earthforce is now Earthfork. (As in "Use your FORK, Luke, use your FORK!" never mind...) Back to our story......
Mallet reaches for his...whiskey bottle, hoping to get Lando drunk while HE stays sober this time, in the hopes of getting him sloshed enough to take his wife BACK. "Hey, Ambassador, I'm off duty in a few minutes, care to get a drink?" Lando looked at the bottle and sneered. "Sorry, Mr. Mallet, but on Centauri Prime, we feed better things than that to our vermin!" and he stomped snootily into the bathroom of his quarters to wash the gunk out of his hair in an attempt to make it stick back up again.
Meanwhile, in the B5 docking ring (whoops, wrong station...) anyway, at some kind of airlock-thingie, a nice-looking but strangely sinister young man in a plain, severe business suit and a creepy smile was coming through customs. Mr. Mordor consulted with a couple of invisible chittering prescences at his side before he decided to go meet his contact at the station and discuss the...
NEXT!
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