Warning: This fanfic is rated S because some parts, and really the entire fanfic, tends toward excessive sillyness. Standard disclaimers apply- I didn't create anything but the bad guys. Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes A continuing fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor Episode 3: "The Italian Stallion Goes to the Glue Factory" [Setting: Usagi's room. Usagi is on her bed sleeping. Luna enters from the open window. She looks at Usagi and sighs heavily.] Luna: Geez, with the way she sleeps one would think that she spends all of her time doing exhausting work instead of just blowing up youma. Usagi: I heard that, Luna. Luna: That's good. Normally you don't hear anything I say. [Usagi rolls onto her back and covers her face with her pillow.] Usagi(muffled): That is not true! I hear a lot of what you say. Luna(sarcastic): Oh yes, of course you do. Usagi(muffled): I just don't listen to what you say. [Luna facefaults. After a moment, she leaps onto Usagi's chest.] Luna(shouts): And that is why you are the lazy crybaby that you are! [Usagi bolts upright.] Usagi(shouts): I AM NOT LAZY!!! Luna(screaming): WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ***SPLAT*** [Usagi blinks, then stands up and goes over to where Luna hit the wall.] Usagi: Uh, Luna? Are you okay? [Luna doesn't answer. Usagi grabs a pen from off of her table and pokes the cat. Luna doesn't respond.] Usagi(worried): Uh oh... [Chibi-Usa and Artemis choose this moment to walk in. Artemis takes one look at Luna and freaks.] Artemis: LUNA!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (rounds on Usagi) MURDERER!!! [Artemis leaps for Usagi, claws extended-- --And Usagi sits up gasping. She looks around and is relieved to find herself in her room, alone.] Usagi: Thank goodness, it was just a dream. [She gets out of the bed. Cut to the kitchen where Ikouko and Kenji are sitting. They are reading seperate sections of a newspaper. Usagi wanders in looking extremly tired. She goes to the refrigerator and opens it.] Ikouko(not looking up): You're up early, Usagi. Usagi: Yeah, well, I had a bad dream. Ikouko: And would that bad dream explain why you slept in your school uniform? [Usagi looks down and realizes that she is, in fact, in her school uniform. Only now it is a very rumpled and wrinkled school uniform.] Usagi(puzzled): That's strange. I don't remember going to sleep in this. (shrugs) Oh well. [Usagi grabs a carton of orange juice and a glass. She sits down at the table, pours herself a cup, and stops to stare at the carton.] Kenji: Is something wrong, daughter? Usagi: I can't read the carton. The writing's all messed up. Ikouko: That's because you can't read in dreams. Usagi: So this is a dream, too? Kenji: Yep. Usagi: So how do I wake up? Ikouko: Well, the usual method is to scare yourself into waking up. Usagi: And how do I do that? Kenji: Like this. [Both of Usagi's parents morph into giant bowling balls. Usagi screams-- --And wakes up in her room. She sighs heavily.] Usagi: Man, that was wierd. Voice: And it's not over yet! Usagi(looking around): Who said that? Voice: I did! [Usagi turns towards the sound of the voice. Standing on her table is a small elephant that just happens to be foaming at the mouth.] Usagi: What the?! Who are you? Schmoe: I'm the Schmoe, the Rabid Elephant(TM). Usagi(blinks): What are you doing in my room? Schmoe: I was sent here to give you a very important message. Usagi: Okay, let's hear it. Schmoe(clears throat, shouts): GET UP USAGI BEFORE YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL! [Usagi screams and sits up. She is in her room. The elephant is gone. Luna is asleep at the foot of the bed. Usagi glances at her clock.] Usagi(wailing): Oh no! I'm soooo late! [Usagi leaps out of the bed and rushes madly about in her normal morning routine.] Luna(muttered): It's about time. I'd thought she'd never wake up. [Setting: An office (not Stephanie's). Sitting at the writing desk is what you would consider a complelty ordinary man dressed in green, Robin Hood style, hunting leathers. That is, if it wasn't for the fact that the man was covered with brown fur and had an uncanny resemblance to a werewolf. The werewolf (Lupis) is carefully building a house of cards. He is about to place the last card when the door slams open, a figure darts in, and the door slams shut. Lupis stares in apprehension as the house of cards sways before settling down. He breaths an immense sigh of relief and places the last card on top of the house. He leans back and grins.] Lupis(pleased): Finished! [He peers over the top of the house at the cowering figure near his door.] Lupis(irritated): Can I help you with something, I.S.? [The Italian Stallion (now wearing a mask on half of his face) rushes to the windows and closes the blinds. He gazes around suspiciously.] Stallion: Are we alone? Lupis: Of course we're alone. What's wrong with you? And why are wearing that mask? Stallion: It is a very long story. One that would chill you to the bone if you heard it. Lupis: Somehow I doubt that... Stallion: And as much as I would like to share with you my story of pain and agony, I am a afraid that I cannot. Lupis(dry): Such a shame. I would have loved to hear it. [The Italian Stallion shoots Lupis a Look.] Stallion: I'll pretend that I didn't hear that. (pauses) Anyway, I came to ask for your help. [Lupis' eyebrows raise in surprise.] Stallion: I need to get out of Japan before Stephanie gets back. Lupis: Let me guess, your attempt to take over the city was a dismal failure? Stallion: Well I wouldn't put it in those exact words, but yes. That's basically it. Lupis: Do you have any clue how much trouble you are in? Stallion: Look, are you going to help me or not? Lupis(grin): Sure, I'll help you! Let me just get the Big Book of What-to-Do's. [Lupis reaches underneath his desk and pulls out a huge book. He looks around for a place to put it, sighs, and sweeps the house of cards off of his desk with one arm. He sets the book down and opens it.] Lupis: Let's just see what we can find. (flips, reads) 'What to do if your father is an evil high school principal bent on taking over the world by brainwashing students.' (flips, reads) 'What to do if you accidentaly capture Pokemon #000 and screw up your Game Boy's graphics.' (flips, reads) 'What to do when the only words your teachers can think of to describe you are "wierd", "really disturbed", and "the strangest person I have ever met."' (flips, reads) 'What to do if your Dungeon Master gives your entire party of level One characters cursed Rings of Contrariness and puts you in a situation where teamwork is essential.' (flips, reads) 'What to do when your DM decides that wasn't enough and throws in a couple of Lich Dragons just so she can laugh at your expense.' (pauses) Now that sounds interesting... Stallion(impatient): Can you get to the useful stuff? Lupis(shrugs): Okay. (flips a lot, reads) Here we go. 'What to do when a power hungry evil woman is going to kill an annoying, egotistical, vain, self-centered, pretty boy that's been getting on her nerves.' (looks up) Pretty exact, aren't they? (reads, blinks) Hey, there's a subtitle. (reads) 'Or the "I want to die pretty" situation.' (pauses) I don't get it. Stallion: Who cares if you don't get it? What does it say? Lupis: Oh, well, let's see. (reads, looks up) It says, 'You're screwed.' Stallion(angry): It does not say that! [He grabs the book and turns it so he can read it.] Stallion(reading aloud): 'You're screwed.' [He stares at the page for a few seconds more, then collapses on the floor and starts to bawl. Lupis gets up and claps the Stallion on the back.] Lupis(cheerful): It was nice knowing you, I.S. [On cue, Stallion starts freaking out. He leaps up and grabs Lupis by the shirt.] Stallion(shout): I can't die! I'm too young to die! If I die then all perfection goes with me! Lupis(rolls eyes): In your dreams. Stallion(ignoring him, frantic): You've got to help me, Lupis. I've got to get out of here! Lupis(hesitant): I don't know, I.S. You haven't exactly been the world's best friend. Stallion: I'll give you anything you want! You want money? [He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a wad of money. He tosses it onto the desk.] Stallion: Here, take it! Take anything, just please, PLEASE get me out of here before Stephanie gets back! [While Lupis is considering, the door opens. A young teenage woman (approx 18) strolls in and heads for the desk. She is dressed in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that reads "Been There. Done That. Got the T-Shirt." (Cal) She starts rummaging through the drawers of the desk.] Cal(bland): Yo, Wolfdude, where's your stapler? Lupis(annoyed): If you don't mind, *Cal*, I'm currently busy. [Cal stops and looks up.] Cal(bland): Yes, I can see that. (pauses) The two of you really should get a hotel room. [The two men quickly seperate. Lupis looks furious.] Lupis(angry): How dare you suspect me of having relations with this- this HUMAN!? [Cal produces a small, foam ball from somewhere. She tosses it between her hands and smiles. She holds the ball up.] Cal(cooing): C'mon boy! Get the ball! You want that ball, don't you? [Lupis is visibly trying to restrain himself. After a brief internal battle, he gives up and leaps at her, tounge lolling and panting. Cal grins and vanishes. Lupis crashes headfirst into the wall behind her, getting his head stuck in the process. Cal re-appears behind him and shakes her head.] Cal(muttered): Typical dog. (to Stallion) I couldn't help overhearing your pathetic pleas to save your life. (produces a plane ticket) It just so happens that I was about to take my vacation to Bermuda. I'll give it to you-- [She holds up a hand as the Stallion rushes towards her. He skids to a stop. Cal waves a finger at him.] Cal: Hold your horses! Stallion(winces): Must you say that? [Cal blinks, then winces and groans.] Cal: Hey, there was no pun intended. (pauses) As I was saying, I'll give it to you, IF I get the Stereo from Hell. Stallion(incredoulous): You want my stereo? Cal: Yep. Stallion(incredoulous): That's it? That's all you want? [Cal nods. Stallion leaps forward and kisses her. He grabs the tickets and runs out the door.] Stallion(shouting): I owe you one, Cal! Cal(grinning evilly, shouts): Think nothing of it, I.S. (thought) After all, I was just following Stephanie's orders. [Cal gloats. She is about to leave when she hears a yelping noise behind her. She turns around and realizes that Lupis is still stuck in the wall.] Cal(annoyed): Oh for crying out loud... [Setting: Outer space, looking down on the Earth.] Lackey(eager): So, Master, what do you think? Master: I think it sucks. Lackey: B-But why? Master: Cuz I said so. Lackey(disipointed): Oh. [Silence.] Lackey(eager): You want me to kill them? Master: No. Lackey(disippointed): Oh. [Silence.] Lackey(eager): You want me to -- Master: ***WHAP** (evil laughter) Lackey: OUCH! Why'd you do that? Master: Cuz I felt like it. Lackey(disippointed): Oh. [Silence.] Lackey(whiny): Can't I do something? Master: You can shut up. Voice: Shut up, yerself. Master(angry): WHO DARES -- Voice: ***BOOM*** Master: ARRGGGHHH! [A star flares brightly, then winks out.] Lackey(panicking): Oh my God, you killed my master! Voice(dry): My aren't you smart. ***BOOM*** Lackey: ARRGGGHHH! [Another star flares and winks out.] Voice(laughing evilly): There, that should teach the Author not to write pointless scenes. (pauses) Hey, that was fun. I think I'll go do that again. [Setting: Juubaan Elementary. Ami is sitting at her desk, listening attentivly to the teacher and taking detailed notes. Usagi is sitting at her desk, asleep. Makoto is sitting at the back of the room, also sleeping. In fact, everyone, with the exception being Ami, is asleep. The teacher is standing at the chalkboard, his back to the class, droning on about the fundementals of the Chaos Theory. The bell rings, signaling lunch. There is a loud ***WHOOSH*** and the room is suddenly empty. Well, almost empty. Ami is looking around in surprise at all of the empty chairs. The teacher continues to drone on.] Ami: Um, excuse me, Sensei. [The teacher turns around and stares at her.] Teacher: Yes, Mizuno-san? Ami: Everybody's left for lunch. [The teacher blinks and adjusts his glasses. He peers around the room, confused.] Teacher: So it would seem. (pauses) Very well. You are dismissed for lunch, Mizuno-san. [He turns back to the board and continues to lecture. Ami stands uncertainly.] Ami(hesitates): Uh, Sensei? [The teacher doesn't answer. Ami shrugs, picks up her bookbag, and leaves. Cut to outside. Usagi and Makoto have found a tree to sit under. Usagi is busy eating. Makoto is staring into space. Ami approaches them.] Ami: You really ought to slow down, Usagi-chan. If you're not careful, you might start choking. [Usagi grunts vaugely. Ami sighs and sits down next to Makoto. Makoto doesn't blink.] Ami(mutters): Soemtimes I really wonder about her. (Aloud, to Makoto) Can I tell you something, Mako-chan? [Makoto doesn't stir. Ami doesn't notice.] Ami: It's really wierd, but lately it seems as if our lives were not our own. That some strange, mysterious force were guiding our words, our actions, our very lives. But what does this force want with a group of teenage girls? Wouldn't you agree that it would have been better if someone older and more experienced handled these situations, eh Mako-chan? [She realizes that Makoto is still staring into space.] Ami(concerned): Mako-chan? Are you okay? [Usagi takes this moment to still Makoto's lunch. Makoto blinks and looks at Ami in surprise.] Makoto: Ami-chan? When did you get here? Ami(sighs): Did you hear a word I said? Makoto(sheepishly): I'm sorry, Ami-chan. I was busy trying to figure out what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way. Ami: Why that's simple. They would look like... like... [Ami frowns and settles down in thought. Makoto does likewise. Usagi glances at them, and steals Ami's lunch.] Usagi(laughs evilly): I knew that question would keep those two occupied. [She starts to eat, and pauses.] Usagi(confused): But what would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way? (snorts) And who cares? [Usagi finishes off Makoto's lunch and starts eating Ami's.] [Setting: The North Pole. A woman dressed in black, with long purple hair is trudging through a fierce snow storm, looking very annoyed.] Woman(imitating Stephanie): "How hard can it be to find a man encased in crystal?" (normal voice) Stupid Baka company President. Does she have any clue how *big* the North Pole is? [She trips on something and lands face first in the snow.] Woman: Ack! (angry) That's it! [A purple battle aura surrounds her. She rises several feet into the air and gestures with her hands.] Woman(shouts): HALT! [The storms stops. She drops back to the ground and brushes the snow off of her. Grumbling, she turns to see what she tripped over. A large smile spreads across her face.] Woman: Finally! Now I can get out of this place! [She vanishes in a flash of purple light, and the crystal-encased form of Jadeite goes with her.] Fade Out.] ******THE END (for now!)****** Author's note: Just in case anyone's wondering, Schmoe is a real elephant, (Alright, alright. He's one of those beanie baby look-alikes. Satisfied?) and is not a figment of the Author's twisted imagination. But don't tell him that. He doesn't like being reminded of that. One last thing. The reference to AD&D. No, I haven't done that to my players...yet. Hey, they don't call me the DB (Dungeon B***h) for nothing!Criticisms? Comments? Ideas? Send them to me at gelles@yahoo.com This has been a production of Blueberry Enterprises.