Warning: This fanfic is rated S because some parts, and really the entire fanfic, tends toward excessive sillyness. Standard disclaimers apply- I didn't create anything but the bad guys, and even they are based off of real life people. Try to guess who! Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes A continuing fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor Episode 6: "Venus vs. Lupis - Venus' New Attack...uh, Sorta!" [Setting: Inside the now reduced FALCORP building. Lupis is walking out the front doors, humming an idle tune and checking his watch. He takes two steps past the doors, spots Venus coming towards him, yelps, and bolts back inside.] Lupis(panting): That was Sailor Venus! If I can catch her, I can get a promotion. [He glances out the doors at Venus, thinking hard.] Lupis(muttered): But how? She could kick my butt. I need a diversion. [Cal walks by.] Cal: Yo, Wolfdude. [Lupis grins evily.] Lupis(low): Perfect. (sweetly) Hey, Cal, could you come here for a moment? [Cal freezes in mid-stride and glares at him.] Cal(wary): What do you want, Furface? [Lupis tackles the startled Cal and throws her out the door.] Lupis(shout): I need a diversion! [Cal crashes in a heap on the ground outside. She climbs painfully to her feet, not noticing Venus. For her part, the Senshi is surprised, and she hurries over to make sure Cal is okay.] Cal(muttered): Stupid dog-brained werewolf. I'll teach him to throw me out of doors. Venus: Are you okay? Cal(muttered): I'm gonna kick his furry little (sees Venus) aAAAAHHHHHH!!! [She leaps back and assumes a fighting stance. Venus looks at her. Cal blinks.] Cal(wary): Uh, aren't you Sailor Venus? Venus(cheery): Yep, that's me! Cal(wary): Don't you fight for love and justice and all that "goody goody good good" crap? Venus: Yep! Cal(wary): Then why aren't you attacking me? Venus(cheery): Because you're not evil, silly! Cal(surprised): I'm not? Venus(cheery): Nope. Cal(wary): How do you know I'm not evil? Venus(cheery): Because I can sense evil. Cal: You can? Venus(cheery): Yep! I can spot evil from miles away! Cal(disbelief): Yeah, right. Venus: No, I really can and I'll prove it to you. Take, for instance, this werewolf that's been creeping up behind me. [Venus delivers a spin kick to Lupis' face. The werewolf goes down.] Venus: Now, a lesser person might not have noticed that. But I did. Cal(incredulous): You knew he was sneaking up on you? Venus(proud): Of course! Cal(incredulous): The entire time we've been talking, you *knew* he was coming up from behind you and you let him? Venus: Yep. Cal: That's amazing! Venus(grin): Not nearly as amazing as the headache you're gonna have when I'm through kicking your butt. Cal(nervous): What are you talking about? Venus(laughs): Did you really think that I'd fall for you being his diversion? I mean, come on! You can't possibly think that I'm that stupid! Give me at least some credit! [Cal swallows nervously and starts to back away.] Cal: Hey, I didn't mean it! It was the werewolf, I swear! [Venus grins and advances on Cal.] Cal: Uh oh. Venus: CRESCENT BEAM!!! [Cal screams and ducks. The beam flies over her head and demolishes the front doors. Cal sees Venus readjust her aim and does the typical thing: She runs. Venus blinks.] Venus: What the --?! Get back here! [Venus chases Cal, occasionaly firing her laser whenever Cal gets in range. Meanwhile, Lupis regains conciousness and Cal takes cover behind him.] Lupis: Hey! Cal(angry): This is all your fault, Fangs for Brains! Get us out of this! Lupis(sigh): Oh all right, (muttered) you weakling. Venus: CRESCENT BEAM!!! [Venus takes aim and fires. As she does so Lupis shoves his hands through the pavement, grabs it, and rips up a huge chunk. He tosses it at Venus. The beam and the block collide and the pavement explodes in a tremendous cloud of dust. The dust cloud envelops the startled Senshi.] Venus: *cough* Dang it! *cough* I can't *cough* *hack* *choke* see! [She staggers out of the cloud, hacking and coughing.] Lupis(shout): RRRRRRWWAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! [At the sound of Lupis' furious bellow, Venus looks up. Lupis charges through the dust cloud, tackles Venus, knocking her off of her feet. The two crash into a building. Lupis, grinning, backs up.] Lupis(pleased): There. That ought to do it. Venus(growled): Now, I'm *really* mad. [Lupis jumps at the sound of Venus' voice. The Senshi climbs to her feet and glares at him.] Venus(deadly): If I were you, I'd start running now. [Lupis backs up hastily as Venus starts to glow.] Venus(deadly): VENUS -- Lupis: Urk!? Venus(deadly): -- LOVELY -- [Lupis backs up even more.] Venus(deadly): -- CHAIN!!! [Venus lauches the chain at Lupis. Lupis throws up his arms and experiences intense relief when it wraps itself around on arm. Suddenly he grins and grabs hold of his end of the chain. He yanks on it. Hard. Venus loses her balance and struggles to regain it. Lupis slams into her and this time they crash through the wall and into the FALCORP building.] Venus(pained, muttered): That definitly did *not* work. Lupis(panting): So, Sailor Venus, do you give up? [Venus climbs to her feet again. She grins.] Venus: Are you kidding? I haven't even gotten started yet! [Cal appeares at the gaping hole that used to be a wall.] Cal: Will you hurry up, Lupis? This is taking forever. Lupis: So it is. Well, I suppose Stephanie won't mind if I bring her a dead Senshi. Venus(muttered): Uh oh. I think it's time I changed tactics. (shout) Hey! Lupey! Lupis(angry): Lupis! It's Lupis! Do you hear me? Lu..Pis! Get it right! Venus(casual): Yeah, whatever, Loophole. Lupis(angry): LUPIS! Venus(casual): That's what I said, Ludicrous. [Lupis loses complete control and rushes her. Venus sidesteps and trips him. Lupis goes flying headfirst into another wall. He gets stuck.] Venus: Typical man... er... dog... uh... wolf thingy. Cal(disgusted): Oh, God. Not again. [There is tremendous bellow of rage. Both Venus and Cal take a step back in surprise. Lupis rips his head out of the wall, demolishing the rest of the wall in the process.] Lupis(snarl): I'm gonna rip you to shreds! Venus(thought): Kami-sama, I can't keep this up! What am I going to do? [The scene freezes.] Voice(to Venus): Don't despair, Sailor Venus. [Venus jumps, startled. She blinks and looks around. Apparently, she's the only one that can move.] Venus): Hello? Who said that? Voice: I did. [Venus looks around.] Venus: And who are you? Voice: I'm... (pauses melodramatically) the Voice. Venus(hesitant): Uh, yeah. (pause) Listen Mister -- Voice: Miss. Venus: Okay, Miss Voice, do you have any clue how I'm going to get out of this? Voice: Yes. Venus: ... Voice: ... Venus: Could you possibly tell me? Voice: Sure. [Venus waits expectantly.] Venus(impatient): Sometime today would be nice. Voice: Oh, yes! Of course. *cough* (serious) Believe in yourself, Sailor Venus, and you shall triumph over evil. [Venus' disbelief is written all over her face.] Venus: That's *it*?! 'Believe in yourself and you shall triumph over evil?' That doesn't help me at all! Voice(indignant): Well what did you expect? Thor's Hammer? Venus: As a matter of fact, I did! Something, *anything* would've been better than what you said. Kami-sama, you're as bad as Tuxedo Kamen-sama. Voice(angry): Fine, you ungrateful little brat! You want Thor's Hammer? You got it! [Thor's Hammer (tm) crashes through yet another wall and hits Venus in the back of the head.] Venus: Ouch! [The Voice laughs. Venus rubs the back of her head.] Venus(angry): That really, really hurt! How would you like it if I hit you with a Norse god's hammer? Voice: Spare me, Venus. You couldn't hit the broadside of a Maltese Falcon. Venus: What does that have to do with anything? Voice: Absolutely nothing! Venus: Then why'd you say it? Voice: Because I... I... (confused) I have no idea why I said that. Venus: Look, you disembodied creep, how about giving me a weapon I can use? Voice: Like a really cool, ultra new, super attack? Venus(excited): Yeah! Voice: No can do, V-chan. You already have a new attack. Venus: What? What do you mean I have a new attack? (thought) Wait a minute... The only person that calls me 'V-chan' is... [Venus runs back outside.] Venus: Usagi! [Usagi, crouched next to the wall and talking into a microphone, looks up and gasps.] Usagi(into microphone, as the Voice): Ignore the puny mortal sitting outside the wall. She has nothing to do with -- Venus: Give me that! [She grabs the microphone out of Usagi's hands.] Venus: I ought to -- [From inside the building comes a furious roar as time resumes.] Venus: Oh, right! I forgot I was fighting him. Usagi: Quick, V-chan! You're ultra new special attack! Venus(nods): Right! Stand back, Usagi-chan. [Usagi stands back a few feet. Venus turns and faces the gaping hole. She concentrates and begins to glow.] Venus: VENUS -- [Lupis leaps out of the building. Venus lifts one hand over her head.] Venus: -- CRESCENT -- [Lupis charges her. A bright golden ball begins to form above Venus' palm.] Venus: -- KAWAII -- [Lupis lunges at her. The ball gets bigger. Venus throws it at Lupis.] Venus: -- SPHERE!!! [Lupis collides with the ball. It explodes in a large, golden shower of light. Usagi and Cal (who is standing in the hole) squint against the glare.] Usagi(shout): Minako-chan! Cal(shout): Lupis! [There is the sound of Minako giggling. The light begins to fade.] Usagi(hesitant): Minako, uh... Sailor Venus? [The light fades totally. Venus is still standing. In her arms she is cradling a rather large Alaskan Timber wolf cub. She scratches its belly and giggles when it grins and her and croons in delight. Usagi runs up to her and gives her a big hug.] Usagi: Thank Kami you're okay! Venus: Yeah. Who could've guessed that my new attack turns my opponents into cute, cuddly animals? (to the wolf cub) You are so kawaii! Yes, you are! [Sailor Venus and Usagi fawn over the former werewolf. Cal looks like she is going to be sick.] Cal(to the Author): You're telling me. That 'Venus Crescent Kawaii Sphere' is sugary enough to rival Sailor Chibi-Moon herself. (disgusted) Animals that cute ought to be shot. [The Author, with a glance at her cat, decides not to comment on that.] Cal(to the Author): Oh, please. Don't make me puke. That's not a cat. That's a fat, lazy, *extremly* ugly dog. [A safe falls out of the sky and lands on Cal.] The Author: Nobody, and I mean *nobody*, insults my cat! Cal(muffled): You are real lucky that I'm only a fanfic character. Otherwise I'd take that stupid cat of yours and turn it into -- [A player piano lands on the safe.] The Author: Care to continue? Cal(faint): baka... author... [There is a loud pop.] [Setting: An island in the Bermuda Triangle. [The Italian Stallion, happily relaxing in a lounge chair, is drinking some alcholic beverage out of a coconut. Screaming is heard. He looks up.] Stallion: What on earth? [Cal falls out of the sky and lands headfirst in the sand. The Stallion stares at her frantically kicking legs and promptly bursts out laughing. Cal drags herself right-side up and looks around.] Cal: Where the Hell am I? [She notices the Stallion.] Cal: Oh no. Oh God, no. Not him! Anything but him! [The Stallion looks at her apprasingly. There is an all to familiar gleam in his eye.] Stallion: Hello, Cal. Fancy meeting you here. Did you know that you're the only attractive woman on this God-forsaken island? And I'm the only attarctive man here. (seductive) You know what that means, don't you? [Cal screams and starts to sob. The Stallion reaches out to her. Cal grabs his arm and throws him into the sea.] Cal(angry): If you ever touch me again, I'll -- [She breaks off when Elvis offers her a Bloody Mary.] Cal: Weren't you abducted by aliens? Elvis: Tales of my life were greatly exaggerated. Cal: Oh. (pauses) Stephanie is not going to be happy about this. (shrug) Not like there's anything I can do, now is there? (sips her drink) Hey, this isn't so bad. The Author(smiling eviliy): She shouldn't have said that. One cannot be punished if one is enjoying herself. [Cal stretches out-- --and vanishes.] [Setting: Stephanie's office. [Cal drops into a chair. She looks around, surprised. She spots Stephanie standing in front of the large picture windows.] Cal: Urk! Uh, hi, Stephanie. Stephanie(deadly): Hello, Cal. [Stephanie turns around and glares at her.] Cal(quiet): I'm in trouble, aren't I? [Stephanie smiles coldly. Her eyes start to glow red. Cal cringes.] Stephanie(sinister): Oh yeah. You are in real trouble. You see, Cal, the Author and I are real good friends. And I happen to like her cat. So she and I talked and, together, we decided on a fitting punishement. [Cal swallows hard.] Stephanie: And that punishment is that I'm going to talk to you about-- Cal: Uh oh. [Stephanie leans forward and grins sharkily.] Stephanie(soft): -- the Theory of Eight Hot Dogs and Ten Hot Dog Buns. Cal(terrified): Please, Stephanie! Anything but that! Stephanie(sinister): Take notes, Cal. There's a quiz afterwards that your job depends on. Cal: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Fade out.] ******THE END???****** In the next exciting episode of Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes: Announcer: She's mad. She's bad. She can flame-broil a hamburger just by pointing at it. She's the Teenage Mutant Radioactive Cyber Ranger Mystic Knight VR Biker Chick from Mars! [Rei, dressed in a flamboyantly cheap bright red body suit and a helmet is riding down an abandoned street on a motocycle. She brakes and skids to a stop. She pulls off the helmet, revealing the bright green antennae sticking out of her head.] Rei(imitating Mad Max): Let's get busy!!! Announcer: Whatever you do, don't cross her path! [Rei shoots a fireball straight at the camera. There is a large boom as it blows up. [Fade to black.] Rei's Voice(angry): Who designed this outfit? Saban? Kami-sama, get this off of me! ******THE END(Really!)****** Criticisms? Comments? Ideas? Send them to me at gelles@yahoo.com This has been a production of Blueberry Enterprises.