[Setting: A dimly lit room in an undisclosed location. All that can be seen is one end of a couch, and the two women seated on it.] [The first woman is tall (5'8"), twenty-seven years old, with ash-blonde hair in a braid down to her waist and pale blue eyes. She is dressed in a long denim skirt, white blouse, and a denim jacket. Her name is Finnath Argent, and she is the Bardic Wannabe.] [The second woman is nineteen years old, average height (5'5"), with short spiky brown hair and green eyes. She is wearing a black, skintight body suit with white gloves, white calf-high boots, a white headband, and white, paneled armor that covers her upper body. A "T2M" logo is emblazoned on the left side of the armor. She is Lisa Stansfield, also known as Saber X: college student and nova super-heroine in the world of Aberrant.] Lisa: Okay, let's try this again. What are we supposed to be doing again? Finnath: Reading the fanfiction that the Author has sent to us. Lisa: And why are we doing this? Finnath: Because the Author is a mean, cruel, manipulative little witch of a woman that enjoys putting us through psychological torments. Lisa: And I'm here because..? Finnath: Because you're the new girl, and the Newbies always have to be put through some sort of painful initiation. This is yours. Lisa: And you're here because..? Finnath: Because I'm nice, and I didn't want you to suffer alone. Lisa: All right.. so, then, why is she here? [The shot widens to reveal a Japanese woman of indeterminate age. She's short (5'1"), with black hair in a loose ponytail down to the middle of her back and purple eyes. She is dressed completely in black: black boots, black jeans, black shirt, and a black trenchcoat. A katana in a black scabbard is propped against the couch beside her. She is Anri Kusanagi, thief, vampire, and a demon-slayer, among other things. And, currently, she doesn't look very happy.] Anri(irritated): Because I'm the Author's online Avatar, and She's making me take Her place watching this crap-fest. (muttered) Last time I sign a contract before reading it... Lisa(slow): Okay... (to Finnath) And the other woman? [The shot widens again, revealing the last woman on the couch. This woman is a twenty-four year old African-American, tall (6'1"), with shoulder-length brown hair and light grey eyes. She is wearing a professional military dress uniform, and an ID badge with the word UNIT written on it is clipped to the left side of her jacket. She is Stephanie Hawks, part-time NPC, CEO of FALCORP, and a psychic with a one heck of a mean streak.] Stephanie(while reading a copy of Newsweek, bored): Because somebody has to keep the rest of you under control. [The other three stare at her.] Lisa: All righty, then. (claps her hands) So! Reading fanfiction... how bad can it be? Voice(off screen): You really *are* new at this, ain't ya? [The shot widens one last time, revealing that the quartet are sitting in a plush living room, complete with widescreen television, 5.1 surround sound system, and a DVD player. A door to the right leads to parts unknown.] [Sitting on top of the TV, holding a disc in his grubby little paws, is an over-sized brown and white one-eyed ferret (Bunki). He bares his teeth at the women.] Bunki: Hello, ladies. (glares at Anri) Nerd-girl. Anri(flat): Tube-rat. [They glare daggers at each other. Finnath sighs.] Finnath: What do you want, Bunki? Bunki(tears his gaze away from Anri): Got a present for ya, straight from the Author Herself. (He brandishes the disc.) Something light and fluffy, in honor of your first session: a parasite EVE fanfic titled "EVE 15 RYO EVE." Anri: Eve fifteen ryo eve? What is that supposed to mean? Bunki: You'll see. Heh heh heh... you'll see.... [He pops the disc into the DVD player and pushes "play," then curls up on top of the television. Stephanie sighs and closes her magazine. The lights automatically dim.] EVE 15 RYO EVE by Ryo-Oni MiSTed by Kristin Renee Taylor with Finnath Argent, Lisa Stansfield, Anri Kusanagi, and Stephanie Hawks Finnath: Uh, oh. My SI sense is tingling. Lisa: SI? Stephanie: Self-insertion. A type of fanfic where the Author writes himself into the story's universe, usually as an omnipotent being with powers far beyond those possessed of the normal characters. Also, all the characters usually wind up falling in love and or adoration with the avatar. (beat) They are generally bad. Finnath: Very bad. Anri: Very, *very* bad. Finnath: And I doubt that this story will be an exception. Lisa: O...kay... >A minute can seem an hour, Stephanie: Insert a "like" between "can" and "seem." Anri: Don't bother proofreading, Steph. It can't be worth it. >an hour a week, a week a year. Time has no meaning Anri: It's all so meaningless! Finnath: What? Anri: Ecclesiastes. New Living Translation. It's in there, like, forty times. Finnath: That's a bit obscure, don't you think? Anri: Feh, if more people read the Bible, it wouldn't be so obscure. Stephanie: I'm surprised you can even touch the Bible and not burst into flames. Anri(smug): I can do a lot of things that would surprise you, Steph. Stephanie: Somehow, I doubt that. >when you can’t move, eat or breathe without a machine by your >side. Lisa: So, I talk on my cellphone a lot. Sue me. >I’ve must have been in this place for a few years now Anri: Not nearly long enough, though. >with all those people watching me, Anri: An exhibitionist, I see. Stephanie(warningly): Anri... >taking down notes Lisa(as Scientist): Subject shows signs of extreme agression and mental retardation. Recommend immediate termination. Anri(snickers): I think I'm gonna like you, kid. >then changing a few things Anri(as Scientist): Time to increase his arsneic dosage. >on the control panel on the wall which then somehow it makes my body >scream in pain. Finnath(as Dr. Smith): Oh the pain! The pain of it all! Stephanie: Run-on sentences are never good. Break it up. >I want out, Anri: That makes two of us, kid. Finnath: Three of us. Stephanie: All of us. Bunki(snickers): Too bad. >out of this over grown test tube what’s filled with burning green >liquid. Stephanie: They're testing Coca-cola on him, I see. Lisa: It burns! It burns! >They think I’m dumb, Anri: I... nah, too easy. >I bet that they think I have no idea what’s going on. Finnath: I don't think anyone knows what's going on... including Ryo-Oni. >But I know just what they’re doing; they’re testing something on >me... Stephanie: Well, duh. Even Anri could've figured that out. Anri: Yeah, even I- Hey! >but what? Anri: Mountain Dew. Lisa: Gatorade. Stephanie: Sulfur. Lisa: Ew! >~*~*~*~ Lisa: Oh, look at all the pretty flowers! >In a place that could only be described as the middle of nowhere Anri: In other words, Minnesota. >a light yellow car came to slow stop, picking up a ton of dust just >outside the desert town. Finnath: Must be one of those haul-anything trucks. Lisa: *I* want an anthromorphic car! >What looked like a girl of about 18 Finnath: I thought Aya was twenty-eight during Parasite Eve 2? Lisa: She is. Anri: Damn. I wish I had her genetics. Finnath: You're an immortal vampire. You'll always look... whatever age it is that you are. (frown) How old are you, anyway? Anri: None of your business. Stephanie: Is "eighteen" so difficult to type out? >climbed out the driver’s seat and looked around. Anri(as Aya): Dammit, stuck in *another* crappy fanfic. >She had parked just outside a general store next to which there were >2 gas pumps. Stephanie: "Two." Anri: Give it up, Steph. Stephanie: No. >The girl Lisa: Woman. Anri: Whatever. >pushed some stray hair back behind her left ear and looked up at the >sign that hung over head. Stephanie: -right it before it fell down, crushing her skull and killing her. Finnath(raises an eyebrow): Getting a little dark, aren't we? >"Welcome to Dryfeild" it, said Finnath(as Sign): Now leave! Leave while you still can! Lisa: Does it bother anyone else that the sign just talked? Anri: Don't think about it, kid. It'll just make your head hurt. Stephanie: Misplaced comma. And it's "Dryfield." >in very faded lettering. "Better start questioning the locals, if >there are any that is?" she said Anri: Who is she talking to? Lisa: The players. Stephanie: And thus the fourth wall collapses into a smoking pile of rubble. >looking over the ghost town. She carefully shut her car door Anri: Forgetting to lock it, of course. >and made her way over to the shop door. She gave it a sharp pull >but it only rattled on its hinges. "Strange, locked?" she said Lisa: I don't remember Aya having such a severe speech impediment. Anri: This is the New and Improved Aya. She's Canadian, eh? Stephanie: Hey, leave the Canadians alone. >and turned away walking over to the small gate that led into the Town >of Dryfeild. Lisa: What? She doesn't knock or anything? Anri: Way to investigate, Aya. Stephanie: Another run-on sentence. And it's "Dryfield!" >By the sound the gate made it had never been oiled as it made a >horrible screech. ALL: Screeeeeech!!! >The girl Lisa: Woman. Anri: Whatever. >quickly shut the gate and it made the sound again this time getting >the attention of a nearby creature. Anri(as NMC): Honey? Is that you? >There was a mumbled groan over head Anri: Ugh... not my turn *again.* When are you going to- Stephanie: Do *not* finish that sentence, Kusanagi. >and from off the roof of small building Stephanie: *A* small building. Anri: Stop that! >jumped a horribly mutated creature. Lisa: That's what happens when you don't wear sunscreen. >It walked about on 4 legs and had the shape of a horse Finnath: Generally speaking, if it looks like a horse, it obviously has four legs. Stephanie: And that's "four!" >but it had a long neck possible just under a meter and on the end was >a human head. Anri: What the heck is that thing supposed to be? Stephanie: A Chaser. A Neo-Motochondria Creature with a body resembling a horse but with a vaguely humanoid face. They are most vunerable when you knock them down. Finnath(irritated): I bet you played that game to death, didn't you? Stephanie(smug): One hundred percent kill rate for Nightmare mode *and* all of the items unlocked in Replay mode. Anri: What the heck are two talking about? >The girl Lisa: Woman. Anri: Whatever. >forced herself not to throw up Lisa: Don't worry about it, Aya. If I was in this fic, I'd puke, too. >and instead pulled a small firearm from a holster on her belt. Anri: Unless that's a Magnum, she's screwed. Lisa: You don't know Aya very well, do you? Finnath: *I* know Aya. (points to the screen) *That's* not her. >The horse creature groaned Finnath(as NMC): Great, another random battle. Why do I always get stuck with these things? >at her showing it was going to fight. Finnath(deadpan): I'm going to fight you. Roar. >So the girl Lisa: Woman. Anri: Whatever. Finnath: SHUT UP! >pulled the trigger on her weapon firing in a burst of 3 >bullets. The creature was dead before it could do any damage Finnath(as NMC): Stupid "Resist IMPACT." >and it’s dead body melted into a puddle of liquid blood and flesh. Lisa(as NMC): I'm melting! Melting... >By watching the quick reaction speed of this girl Lisa: Wow, Aya's so fast she doesn't even need an action sequence! >and how she was so calm Anri: You call forcing down puke "calm? >about being attacked by a monster it was very easy to tell she >had done this before. Anri: Nice to see she's got some experience. Stephanie: I should hope so, given that she is a member of the FBI, MIST, and has had her own video game where she did nothing *but* fight NMCs. Finnath: Irritated, Stephanie? Stephanie: Shut up. >The girl looked around, there were many green doors with a number on >them, probably a hotel of some sort? Anri: The investigative powers of Aya Brea, folks. Finnath: If she's Earth's last hope against Neo-Mitochondria, we're doomed. >She tried knocking on all of the doors Lisa(as Aya): Hello? Any monsters in there? >to find all of them empty and the ones that were unlocked where >hiding away more monsters, but this time they had a more human shape >to them and like the last were eager to fight her. Lisa: Kill the humans-argh! [Stephanie pulls out a notebook and starts writing in it.] Anri: What are you doing? Stephanie: Keeping track of all the run-ons in this fic. >There first sign of human life Stephanie: "The" >was in the men’s rest room where she found a woman of about the age >of 28, Anri: In the "Men's" Bathroom? Yeah, right. Lisa: It happened. >she was dressed in a ‘hill Billie’ Stephanie: Hillbilly. >kind of way with a red and white striped top and ripped Jean >shorts. Stephanie: Considering that she lives in a state that regularly has temperatures of one hundred and ten degrees, I think the girl's attire rather appropriate. Anri: Nobody asked you what you think. >The girl quickly ran over to her as she was crying in pain >over the stink. Finnath: Who did what to the what now? Anri(as Aya): Uh oh. Here comes that vomit I suppressed earlier. (makes puking noises) Lisa: Gross. >"Hey are you ok? My name’s Aya I’m here to help" Lisa(as Aya): Help put you outta your misery! Bwahahaha!!! Anri: Her first fanfic and she's already snapped. (sighs) How very sad... Lisa: Hey! >the girl said to the lady but she only cried out in more pain. Finnath(as woman): Please, shoot me! I can't take this fanfic anymore! (sobs hysterically) Stephanie: Pronouns are not your friend. Especially when there is more than one female present. Anri(irriated): Are you going to be like this for every fanfic we do? Stephanie: Yes. Deal with it. >Aya took a step back as she noticed the lady’s hands where quickly >mutating, Aya watched as the lady’s cried out and her body >transformed. Anri: Oh, great. *Another* Sailor Senshi. Lisa: In the name of Eden, I'm Sailor EVE! Stephanie(scribbling in the notebook): Stop it before you give someone ideas. >First her hands became longer and more claw like. Then her hair fell >out as her muscles swelled tearing off her clothes. Anri: Woo! Take it off! Take it *all* off! Finally, some sex! Finnath: She's turning into a monster, Anri. Anri: Hopefully a tentacle monster. [Finnath sighs.] >Last her checks ripped open Lisa: No more shopping sprees for her. >making her mouth wider. [Stephanie smacks Anri.] Anri(irritated): I didn't even say anything! Stephanie: You were going to. Anri: No, I wasn't! (notices Stephanie's eyes turning red) Okay... actually I was. >Aya stepped back again it was a gruesome sight to behold. Finnath: This fanfic *is* pretty gruesome. >The newly transformed creature roared at Aya thinking her for it’s >first meal. Anri(leering): I'd like to eat Aya. [Stephanie smacks Anri.] Stephanie: Stop that! >Aya left the men’s rest room quickly Lisa(Monty Python, singing): She bravely ran away, away... Finnath(as Aya): I did not! >reloading her gun as she went another kill to add to Aya’s list and >some more bounty points on her card too. Anri: I can tell right now that Ryo-Oni isn't famous for his ability to write action sequences. Stephanie(frowns): I'm not even sure where to start with that sentence. >It was all in a day’s work for a MIST hunter. Anri: She works hard, so she can play hard. Finnath: Not really. I've never actually known Aya to have fun. >~*~*~*~ Lisa: Roses are red, violets are blue- Anri: -This fanfic blows, and I'm outta here, dude. [She stands up.] Bunki: Siddown, Nerd-girl. [Anri flops back into her seat with a disgusted sigh.] >There was a crack then a loud smash and a sea of green acid pored >across the floor. Anri: Clean up in aisle four. >then from the same place where the green liquid came from fell a boy Stephanie: -into the acid, where he immediately dissolved into a disgusting smear of wasted DNA. The End. Anri: So, what else is on? >He moaned Anri: I see somebody's been having some naughty dreams. [Stephanie smacks Anri.] >trying to remember how to speak. There was another moan from the same >room Anri(as Moaner): I told you doing it while standing up was impossible, but, no, you had to try it anyway. [Stephanie smacks Anri.] >so he looked up. There before him was Anri: -Aya, with a shotgun, in the Laboratory. Finnath: Dream on, Colonel Mustard. >a monster it had a human shape but it’s body was twisted and ugly. [The others look at Stephanie.] Stephanie(frowns): I don't know. There seems to be an *amazing* lack of description going on in this story. >The monster walked around the room jumping on the lab equipment >smashing it, Lisa: Smashy, smashy! >only too please the creature’s destructive nature. But it never >attacked the weakened boy, maybe it considered him as one of ‘them.’ Finnath: "Them" as in "'evil conspiracy' them" or "them" as in "'NMC' them?" Anri: "Them" as in "'It's so pathetically weak its beneath my notice' them." Finnath: Oh. >The boy lay in the puddle of green acid trying to think, Stephanie: If he tries any harder, he might rupture something. >he remembered Stephanie: -that acid is corrosive, and thus promptly died screaming in horrible, burning agony. The End. Anri: Can we leave yet? Bunki: No. >the many people watching him, Anri: -their eyes on his naked body, following every curve and contour of his chiseled muscles- Stephanie: Are you sure you want to fantasize about the avatar? Anri(looks ill): I take it back. >then he remembered name "Aya... Aya Brea?" Lisa: Question: If he's a clone of Aya, how does he know who she is? Finnath: You need to learn how to not care about the fanfic, Lisa. >he said finally mastering his vocal cords. Finnath: How cute. He hit puberty. Anri: No more squeaking for him. [Lisa giggles.] >"Is that my name? All: No. >No... then what is?" Lisa: Ryo-Oni Anri: Dork-boy. Finnath: Waste of My Time. >the boy sat thinking for a moment. [Several minutes pass.] >But then he noticed something. Anri(as Ryo): This fic sucks! >The tube he was imprisoned in. in black writing on the bottom was Finnath: "Do not open until Christmas." Lisa: "Flammable when exposed to oxygen." Anri: "Warranty void after ninety days." Stephanie: "No refunds." Anri: Damn! >a name. "EVE-15 RYO-EVE" the boy looked over the writing. "My name is >Ryo Eve?" he said. Lisa: Either that or Eve-Fifteen. Finnath: Either way, he's stuck with a girl's name. >There was a sudden cold breeze through the room All(shudder): Brrr! >making the boy notice something. Anri: Hey, men have nipples, too! [Stephanie raises her hand, then changes her mind.] >"Damn I’m naked," he shouted. Anri(winces): Ew, there's something I really didn't want to see. At least not on him. >~*~*~*~ Lisa(singing): Ring around a rosie, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down! Stephanie: You do know that rhyme is about the Black Plague, right? Lisa: What? Stephanie: Think about it. "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down?" Everybody died during the Black Plague, and they cremated the bodies. [Lisa pales.] Anri: Way to creep out the Newbie, Steph. Stephanie(smiles): I try. >It wasn’t long ago Lisa: -when I had a life that didn't involve this horror. >when Aya entered Dryfeild and now she was Finnath: -leaving. As fast as she possibly could. >in what looked like a small workshop. Anri: She finally found those damn cookie Elves. Finnath: Now everyone will *have* to belive that they exist. >Aya pressed the button on the control panel and the Car in the center >of the room Stephanie: Exploded, destroying Dryfield and everyone therein. The End. Anri: KA-BOOM! >turned 90 degrees on a hydraulic lift. Aya walked round the Car Lisa: Around and around she goes, where she stops nobody knows! >and opened up the shutter door to the next room. Aya was now in >another workshop but this one was at lest twice the size as the last >room. Finnath: And this little workshop was "just right." Stephanie: "Least." >Aya put her hand on the Red truck in front of her and took a look at >it. It was pretty beaten up, if it could still run it would be >amazing, in its shape now. Stephanie(squints): That *almost* looks like an attempt at characterization. >There was the sound of a gun reloading Anri: Ka-click! Finnath: That's the sound of a switchblade opening. Anri(sarcastic): My, aren't we picky tonight? [Finnath glares at her.] >and Aya looked up. "Heh! you look almost human" a man said holding a >shotgun at Aya Head. Finnath: Aya's Head, featuring Yeardly Smith as the voice of Maggie. Lisa: What? Anri: Before your time, kid. >Aya put her hands into the air. Lisa: And she waved them like she just didn't get care. All: Go, Aya! Go, Aya! It's your birthday! >"I’m not one of these creatures, I can show you my badge" ya told >him. Finnath: If you pull out your badge, turn to page 37. Otherwise go to page 2. Anri(flips imaginary pages): Damn, I died! >"Go on then?" the man told her. Anri(as Mr. Douglas): Go on! Do it! You think you're so tough, what with your "denim jacket arsenal" and your unfairly long and smooth legs, and your perky and firm- [Finnath reaches past Lisa and clamps a hand over Anri's mouth.] Finnath: That's quite enough, thank you. >The man looked to be in his late 30 Finnath: But he was actually only sixteen, the hot desert air having sucked all the youth and vitality right out of his body. Lisa: He's a good example of why you should always drink water. >and he wore a get-up like a cowboy he even wore a hat to go with it. Anri: Yee-haw! Git up! YA! >Aya took out her badge and handed to the man, Lisa: And here's Brea with the hand off.. It's good! >making sure her hands were still in the air. Stephanie: As opposed to where? In her pockets? >"MIST?" the man asked looking over the badge. Finnath: No, Aya. Her name's Aya. >"MIST! Right, we hunt those creatures" Aya told him Lisa(as Aya): Oops, I forgot. We're really a secret organization. Guess I'll have to kill you now. >and the man handed back her badge letting Aya put her hands down. >"Bring any friends?" he asked Anri(as Mr. Douglas): I'm in the mood for an orgy! [Stephanie moves to smack Anri. Anri ducks.] Anri(sticks her tongue out): Nyah! [Lisa smacks Anri.] Lisa: Knock it off. Anri: Ow! (irritated) You little punk! Finnath(grins): The girl learns quick, doesn't she, Anri? [Anri scowls and slumps into the couch, sulking.] >after. "No just me" Aya replied. "Humph! I call for help and >they send a girl, alone?" Lisa: One Brea is all you'll ever need. Stephanie: One Brea is proving enough trouble as it is. I don't think we want to see how Ryo-Oni would handle two. >the man whispered to himself. "I heard that, and I’m not a girl I’m >28" Stephanie: And yet, she talks as though she's seven. Anri: Or concussed. >Aya told him but he only turned to the red truck, Lisa: Denied! >possibly he owned it. Anri: She certainly has the deductive reasoning of a seven- year-old. Finnath: I repeat: Earth is doomed. >"Name’s Douglas" the man told Aya. Lisa(British accent): The name's Douglas. Gary Douglas. Anri: Call me QUEEN! Stephanie: Obscure. >~*~*~*~ Lisa(sighs): I'm out of flower jokes. Anri: Thank God. >Outside it was still blazing hot Anri: Yeah, Hell's like that. Stephanie(sneers): You *would* know that, wouldn't you? [Anri glares at her.] >and most of the monsters running around were looking for cool place >to just sit, apart from a few. A boy about the age of 15 jumped down >from the top of a building Anri: -impaling himself on some conviently placed spikes. The End. Finnath(groans): Great. Not you, too. Stephanie: Repeat after me: "Fifteen." There, I knew you could do it. >landing hands and knees in the dust. [Everyone starts coughing and hacking.] >"Damn horse freaks, chase me across the freakin’ desert into some >stupid ghost town" he mumbled walking over to a door. Lisa: How the heck did he get out of the Shelter? Anri: Plot device. Lisa: There's a plot? Stephanie(squints): Actually, yes. Yes, there is. A horribly malnourished and scrawny plot, but it is in fact there. >"Hmm some sort of hotel, Finnath: I see he's inherited Aya's deductive reasoning. Anri: Too bad he didn't inherit any of her sexiness. >maybe some better clothes." Ryo said looking at the clothes he had >already found. Gray shirt with gray trousers with a red line running >down the leg. [Lisa leaps to her feet and points at the screen.] Lisa(angry): That's Eve's outfit! He stole her clothes! That *jerk!* Finnath: Easy, hon! It's just a fanfic. Don't let it get to you. [Lisa sits down and folds her arms.] >Ryo pushed on the door to find it open. "Careless people" Ryo smiled >walking in. Anri: I see morals mean nothing to him. Stephanie: You're a fine one to talk. Anri(smug): Hey, I am the very model of morality. Stephanie(rolls her eyes): You're eyes should be *brown,* you are so full of it. Finnath: "Immorality" is more like it. >inside Ryo Anri: Not a place I want to be. Lisa: Well, *there's* a lovely mental image. Anri(smirk): You're welcome. >found it to be full of small creatures, they looked like baby humans >with glowing red skin. Finnath: Somebody's been watching "The Omen." Anri: Have you even seen the "The Omen?" Finnath: No... but I've heard rumors. Stephanie: The rumors were wrong. >Ryo grabbed a chair and snapped Lisa(as Ryo): "Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager!" Anri(snickers): Bad. >off a leg and with it he poked one. Anri: Poke, poke, poke. >It suddenly moaned and started to shake then it >exploded raining bits of flesh and bones down on Ryo. Anri: Now, that's one hell of an orgasm! (notices everyone glaring at her) What? [The others sigh.] >After the creature blow up it set off a chain reaction and all the >creatures in the room began to explode. As one exploded its parts >would shower down on other setting them off, like a lighting one >firework in a fireworks shop. [Everybody opens umbrellas.] >It was quickly over Anri: Finnath's sex life summed up in four words. Finnath(angry): *Excuse me?* [Anri snickers.] >and everything in the room was bow to pieces. Stephanie: As opposed to being blown to pieces. >The 2 beds that was in the room were now everywhere in tiny bits. Finnath: As we learned one sentence ago. Anri: This sentence was brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. Stephanie: It was also brought to you by someone that needs a few more grammar classes. And that's "two," by the way. >The old T.V was stuck in ceiling Lisa: well, that's a crazy place to put it. Stephanie(irritated): "Television." Is it *that* hard to spell out? >and the wardrobe had fell over. Stephanie: "Fallen!" Finnath: Breathe, Stephanie. Breathe! >Ryo looked up from under a table Finnath: Which had conveniently survived being blown to pieces. >"Cool, but weird" Ryo said as the dust settled. Ryo pushed over the >table and stood up. He walked over to the wardrobe and picked up the >end and put it back on the wall. Lisa: So, he's gonna fix the wardrobe, but he just leaves the table lying on its side? How inconsiderate can this guy get? >Ryo pulled out a dark blue jacket and white T-shirt. Finnath: Also conveniently not destroyed during the earlier mess. >"Hmm not bad" he said throwing off his old shirt and putting on his >new clothes. Ryo started going through all the draws where he found >some shotgun ammo, fingerless gloves what he put on; he also found >some healing tablets what he pocketed. Anri: What the hell does he need with shotgun ammo? Finnath: I guess Aya's a closet kleptomaniac, and passed it on to this farce of a clone. Stephanie(muttered): Which. Which which which which *which.* [The others look at Stephanie, and slowly slide away from her.] >~*~*~*~ >It was hot outside in the sun Finnath: Does this surprise anyone? Others: No. >as it was at it’s highest in the midday sky and Aya walked slowly >down the small ally that was once a row of roadside shops. Stephanie(buries her face in her hands): I give up. I just... give up. This fanfic... It's just too messed up... >But now a fence of wooden planks blocked the road. Aya took her last >stepped and pulled out her gun, it now being an M4A1 assault rifle. Lisa: Where the heck does Aya store a M4A1 in that outfit? Anri: Well... Women have more hiding places then men. Finnath(points at Anri, shouts): There will be *no* Metal Gear Solid references here! Lisa(covers her ears): OW! A little warning next time? [Anri smirks.] >The soft sound of the trigger clicking awoke the horse like creature >lying on the floor. It groaned as it lifted it’s head on >it’s long neck Anri(as NMC): Do I *have* to get up? Stephanie: Hyphenate, damn you! >so Aya Pulled the trigger Finnath(as Aya): No. Lay there and DIE! >back quickly blasting the creature with 3 bullets then another second >later another 3 bullets. Lisa: Take that! And that! And one of these! >Even with the spray of bullets every second the horse creature got up >on it’s 4 legs and turned to Aya then charged at her. Anri: The fight scenes in this fanfic are so gripping. Stephanie: Yes. Watching them is akin to having someone grip your eyeballs with hot, burning forceps and yank them straight out of your skull. [Lisa turns green.] >The creature’s rage Finnath: -was sadly nonexistent, Chaser NMCs being such a peaceful, loving bunch. Lisa: It only wanted to play with her! (cries) >was easily dodged by a simple side step. Stephanie: Sadly, performing such a maneuver in the actual game is disturbingly complicated, requiring you to turn Aya first, then pushing Up on the D-pad to get her to move forward. Finnath: I blame Resident Evil for that travesty. Lisa: My Aya won't stop running in circles! >Aya thought quickly [Several minutes of silence pass.] >and hit the Creature over the head with the end of her gun. Anri: Oh, bashing stuff over the head is her answer to everything. >The bayonet attachment doing a lot more damage to the creature’s >skin. Anri: Yeah, the bullets ripping its skin to pulpy, bloody shreds of tattered flesh were nothing next to having its skull split in half and its brains splattered everywhere. [Lisa turns several shades of green. Anri grins.] >Aya wiped the sweat from her forehead as the creature’s body just >like all the others quickly broken down and melted away. [Stephanie twitches repeatedly.] Finnath: NMC has been slain! Aya gains a level! Aya is now level 42! She gains 14 HP, 5 MP, 1 STR, 2 AGI- Anri: and -70 INT. Lisa: How'd you guys do that? [Finnath and Anri grin.] >As Aya walked away she was startled by a loud scream. Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! [Everyone else cover their ears.] Finnath(irriated): Don't *do* that! >"That scream?" Anri: No, *that* scream. >Aya said aloud. Finnath: No doubt for the benefit of the voices in her head. >"Who is it, Lisa: Avon calling! >screaming all the time?" Aya said thinking. Lisa: Said... thinking? [Stephanie twitches.] >She had to climb down and wall and through the sewers to get here >after she heard this woman scream from the other side of Dryfeild. Lisa: Woah, that's one loud lady. [Stephanie clutches her armrest.] >Also Aya had already been here looking for the owner of the screams >and had to walk back to find a wrench to open a way up. Finnath: Of course, Ryo-Oni can't be bothered to actually describe Aya's journey to find the wrench. Or what she was doing on the other side of town in the first place. That would require imagination. Anri: Or another playthrough of the game, so he can copy it down, again. >How could someone scream for that long? [Anri opens her mouth, notices Stephanie glaring at her, and shuts it.] >Aya bent down in side a house and started to undo the bolts on the >wall with the wrench she had found. Aya had the wardrobe unbolted >from the wall and moved it aside. Lisa: Wardrobe? Where'd the wardrobe come from? Anri: The side of the house, duh. Lisa: What house? I'm confused. Finnath: Don't try to understand the fanfic, hon. You'll only make things worse. >Aya walked through the small room into a larger one. Anri: It's so descriptive, I feel like I'm actually there! >It was dark and very dusty but suddenly a shadow moving along the far >wall. Lisa: If it was dark, how could she see the shadow? Stephanie: That's not even a complete sentence! >Out from the shadows walked an elderly lady, she walked with a limp >forcing her to fall to the floor. Lisa(as lady): I've fallen- Anri: Done to *death,* kid. Stephanie: "She limped." Say it with me. "She. Limped." >The lady screamed Lisa(as lady): Put me out of my misery! Free me from this fanfic! I beg of you! >in pain as she fell with blood spraying from her back. Anri: We got a spurter! Lisa: Ew! >As the lady landed face down on the floor there was a loud thump from >behind her and someone else walked out from the shadows. This time it >was a man and he made a loud thump with every footstep. [Stephanie's eyes start to glow red.] Stephanie(furious): I can't take this ANYMORE! Finnath(leaps to her feet): Hide! [Finnath grabs Lisa and dives behind the couch, Anri and Bunki right behind them. Lisa lifts her hands and creates a barrier of light to protect the four of them.] [An aura of power erupts around Stephanie. She screams. Both the television and the DVD player explode in a giant fireball, which rages briefly for a few minutes before dying out. Stephanie's aura fades, leaving her standing with her hands clenched, panting furiously, and glaring at the ruins of the televison.] [Lisa lets her barrier drop, and they all carefully peer over the couch at Stephanie.] Anri: Better? Stephanie(growls): Much. (composes herself) Hm. I'll have to see about getting the equipment replaced. [She pulls out a cellphone and starts to quietly talk on it.] [A short while later, a new television and DVD player are in place, although the wall and carpet are still smoldering. Everybody returns to the their positions on the couch.] Lisa(whispered, to Finnath): Remind me not to get on Stephanie's bad side. Finnath: Good idea. >He wore some sort of leather armor and held a blade of some sort. Anri: Well, that could be just about anything. >But the handle was that of a revolver. Lisa: Or, it could be a Gunblade. Anri: I stand by my previous statement. >"Why did you kill this woman?" Aya questioned man. Lisa(as Tarzan): Aya question man! He talky-talky or bash with big stick! >Suddenly she noticed who it was. Lisa: Squall Leonhart? Finnath: Kyle Madigan? Anri: Her father? >The same man that almost blew her up on her last mission, just before >Aya was assigned to Dryfeild. All: Oh. Him. >"Woman" the man laughed, his laugh was insane and manic. "What woman" >He laughed pointing the end of his blade down at the woman. Lisa: That woman. The one you're pointing to. The one that just gushed blood all over the floor. Finnath: I see Number 9 is just as observant as Aya. >Aya looked down as the Woman’s body Anri(as No. 9): Ha! Made you look! >began to sizzle, then melt away, A monster? Finnath: Yes, Aya. A monster. >"So little girl want to play again?" Stephanie: No, and I don't think I'll be playing this game again for quite a long time. Anri: Let's play Fear Effect! Finnath: *No.* >the man laughed his insane laugh Stephanie: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Finnath: You do that a *bit* too well. Stephanie(smirks): Well, I am evil. >and Aya raised her gun. Anri: I'll see your gun and raise you a bazooka. Top that! >"Our Mitochondria will have the last laugh!" he said raising his >blade into the air. Aya started to fire her weapon but having little >affect on the man’s armor so Aya switched to plan B, Anri: Operation: Run Like Hell. >Aya Quickly Finnath: Critical Quick *is* a lifesaver. Anri: What the heck are you talking about? Finnath: Final Fantasy Tactics. >dodge the oncoming blade and ran around behind him throwing her Rifle >aside and pulling out a different one from her pocket on her belt. Lisa: That's one deep pocket. Anri: And people wonder why the Croftpack(tm) was invented. [Stephanie starts to write in her notebook, then sighs and throws it to one side.] Stephanie: I give up. >There was a huge explosion as Aya fired her new Weapon. Lisa: Emerald or Ruby? Anri: Enough with the Final Fantasy references! Stephanie: Well, Parasite EVE *is* a Squaresoft game... >The Grenade pistol. Stephanie: Sentence fragment. Lisa. "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. [Stephanie glares at Lisa. Anri and Finnath snicker.] >Aya was quickly and pulled back the pistol emptying the empty shell >onto the floor and loading in another. But the crazed man was also >fast and his jabbed his blade deep into Aya’s stomach and pulled it >out. Aya fell forward as blood flowed from her wound. Lisa: O_o. That never happened in the game. Finnath: None of this happened in the game. Stephanie: That's because the game is coherent, while this is a messy pile of words seemingly thrown together at random, with little to no attempt at coordiantion. Anri: Two words, Steph: De. Caf. Stephanie: Bite. Me. >The man just laughed insanely. Anri: Ohohohohohohoho! Lisa: That was just creepy, Anri. Stephanie: You're trying to show me up, Anri. (smirks) How cute. >"No my Mitochondria will have the last laugh" Aya said as her Eye’s >flash a glowing bright blow and all her cells suddenly healed >themselves and sending blue sparks everywhere around her. Lisa: Aya's turning Super Saiyin! Anri: You mention Dragonball Z again and we're going to kill you. Lisa: Sorry... >Aya climbed to her feet and fired her pistol hitting the man while he >was laughing. "Sh*t" Lisa(frowns): How do you pronounce that? Anri: Easy. Sh*t. Lisa: How do you *do* that? [Anri smiles.] >he said falling back against the wall. "How?" he cried in pain. "I >know. Now things are getting interesting, your Eve’s..." the man >couldn’t finished his sentence as he was laughing hard. Finnath(laughing): I'm going to die! And I find that so funny! >As Aya watched the room became hot Anri(as Aya): ...My body...My body's getting...hot again !!! Stephanie: Oh, now I see. Ryo-Oni played so much of the first parasite EVE game that the game's pathetic grammar influenced this story. It all makes perfect sense, now. Finnath: You're just embarassed because you lost your cool earlier. Stephanie(cool): I do *not* get embarassed, Bard. >and the air became thin also, making it hard to breathe. Next came a >loud buzz to her head Anri: Aya's getting buzzed. Lisa: Must be that thin air. >forcing Aya to drop her gun and hold her head. The man continued to >laugh as a tremendous pain started in Aya’s back as something began >to grow out from it. Anri: What the Hell are those things? Stephanie: Actually... we never found out what those were. >Suddenly there was a loud thud as someone else entered to the >room. Lisa: Oh, no. Don't tell me. It's- >"WILL YOU SHUT UP" Ryo screamed at the man and he stopped, as >did all the strange affects on Aya. Finnath: And thus the entire story grinds to a screeching halt. Stephanie: Not like there was much movement before. >There was yet another thud as Aya fell unconscious against the wall. Anri: Passing out in the face of danger. That's the spirit, Aya! >"EVE 15 what are you doing here"the man asked Ryo. Lisa(as No. 9): Who let you out of your testtube?! >"What?" All: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" >Ryo said confused. Anri(as Ryo): I'm sorry. I was distracted by Bleeding Stomach- Wound Barbie over there. >Suddenly Ryo’s eyes lit up. Lisa(stoned): Good times... >"You like this Gunblade Eve?" Lisa: He's got a girl's name. [Everybody snickers.] >the man asked Ryo with a sly grin. "Yeah baby" Ryo said running over >to him. "I’ll give it to you [Everybody looks at Anri.] Anri: Don't look at me. Shounen-ai does nothing for me. >if you follow me" the man told Ryo. "Ok" Finnath: He really thought that through, didn't he? >Ryo smiled taking the blade. "Is it loaded?" Ryo asked. "Of course I >was just using it" the man Told Ryo Stephanie: Actually, it's impossible to tell, seeing as how all he did was stab Aya with it. >as he put his hand on his shoulder. Ryo‘s eyebrows dropped to form >part of a evil grin. Finnath: I wish I could re-configure my face that easily. Lisa: That has to be the furriest smile I have ever seen... Well, on a baseline human at any rate. >Ryo jabbed the blade into the man’s stomach and pulled the trigger. Finnath: Who saw that coming? Others: I did! >"I an’t following nobody" Stephanie(sighs): He can't even spell "ain't" correctly. >Ryo smiled as the man’s stomach blew open. "Whoa Cool Shotgun ammo" >Ryo laughed watching the man fall over. [The screen goes black.] Lisa(blinks): That's... it? Bunki: Yep. Lisa: Weird. Bunki: Anything you want me to tell our fearless Leader? Anri: Yeah, she's a real bi- Bunki: About the fanfic, ya moron. Anri: Oh... Well... it was bad... and, um... come back to me. Finnath(sighs): This fanfic went beyond bad: it was downright atrocious. From the lack of plot to the lack of characterization to the fact that every scene featuring Aya seemed like it had been ripped directly from the game and run through some sort of word processing-blender. The resulting spilth reads like a lame, half-assed walkthrough, and if I had wanted that, I'd go download one from GameFAQS.com. And it would probably be more coherent then this mess was. Lisa: The ending was kinda abrupt. Okay, *very* abrupt. And what the heck was up with that Ryo-15 character? You just can't throw an arbitrary character into an established series and expect it to work automatically. We need backstory, dammit! And details! And a reason for why he was male if he was supposed to be a clone of Aya! (leaps to her feet) If you're going to chuck characters into stories, have a *reason!* Finnath: Er, Lisa... Lisa(gestures wildly): And where the Hell was Kyle? Kyle's a major character, too, y'know! And how about Pierce, Jodie, Rupert, and everyone else back at MIST headquarters? How about Flint the dog! Why the heck did you cut out Flint the dog? I bet the author let the dog die, didn't he? DIDN'T HE?! [Finnath grabs Lisa and hauls her back onto the couch.] Finnath: Calm down before you hurt yourself! Lisa(folds her arms, mutters): I was just saying... Finnath: We know what you were saying. Now, you need to calm down. Stephanie? Stephanie: As questionable as the spelling was, it simply paled in comparasion to the grammer. (sighs) Sentence fragments, run-on sentences, incorrect punctuation, incorrect words, incorrect *usage* of words, *omitting* words; all of these could have been avoided just by proofreading the fic. Additionally, although many people would not have noticed, this entire fanfic was only ten paragraphs long. (beat) Ten long, unbroken, error-ridden paragraphs. (beat) This fanfic definitely needs to be reformatted. Anri(nods): You're right, Stephanie. In fact, all of you make excellent points, but the biggest problem I had was that there wasn't any sex! Finnath(annoyed): God, Anri, is that *all* you think about? Anri: Well, considering that nothing else was going on in this fanfic, I was hoping for something that might have kept my interest. And boy was *I* disappointed. It felt like the author didn't even care about what he was writing. And if he didn't, why should I? Next time I read a fanfic, I want to read something with an actual plot. Bunki: Plot, grammar, continuity... got it. Hm... looks like you guys are gonna like the next story, then. Lisa: Next story? You mean we have to do this again? [Bunki grins.] Bunki: I'll get back to ya, on that. [The ferret hops off the television and scampers to the door.] Bunki: See ya, ladies! Stephanie(sighs and stands): Well, now that we're done wasting my time, I have a meeting to attend. [She leaves.] [Lisa looks at the other two women.] Lisa: What do we do now? Anri: Now? (stands) Now, I'm off to find me a partner for the night... and perhaps a snack. That fanfic left me a bit edgy. Finnath(stands): You and your "edges." Hmph. I'll buy you a beer, but I'm staking you the instant you even glance at my neck. [They leave, shutting the door behind them.] [Fade out.] Disclaimers: Original Story owned by Ryo-Oni Riffed without his permission by Kristin Renee Taylor Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. Parasite Eve and all the Final Fantasy references are are owned by Squareso... er, SquareEnix. Please don't sue me. The lovely ladies of Blueberry Enterprises are also owned by me. Comments can be sent to gelles@yahoo.com or Anri222 for AIM users. Send me the flames, too. All publicity is good publicity! >"You like this Gunblade Eve?" Lisa(voice over): Umm... hello? Anybody there? (beat) Anyone?