Warning!!
If you are easy to offend, then please don't read these jokes. Some contain R rated ideas. Must be 18 or older to read.
Click to hear Don't Worry Be happy
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
click on speaker
Will came home dejected because a boyhood friend was about to be executed, by hanging from the neck, for murder, but his mood wasn't improved when his bitchy wife started berating him after dinner for one thing after another. "That's enough!" he finally announced. "Poor Sam Wright is going to die tonight, and all you can do is yell at me. I'm going upstairs." Alone, watching TV, the woman had begun to regret her conduct when a newscaster reported that the condemned man had been given a last hour reprieve. She hurried upstairs, heard water running, burst into the bathroom and yanked open the shower-stall door and shouted, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!" "Good god, woman!" Shouted back her husband, "Isn't there anything about me that satisfies you?"
Click on this speaker to hear another brick in the wall.
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says. The second says "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? The only thing i would really enjoy seeing is the top of her head.
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots. The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" B.B. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a- cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a-kissin' and a- cuddlin' and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too. So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots. Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to town!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
<< >>The Top Ten reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex
*10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
*9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
*8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
*7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
*6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
*5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
*4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
*3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
*2. Less guilt the next morning.
*1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
On to Jokes page 2, OOOPS!
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