TEN WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT BATHROOM STALL
1.) Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
2.) Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"
3.) Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit, my glass eye!!"
4.) Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before,. . ."
5.) Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
6.) Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!
7.) Say, "Interesting. . .more floaters than sinkers."
8. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?
9.) Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
10.) Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant.
NAME: Greg B
SEX: Only on tuesdays.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION : Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
LAST SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT IN CURRENT JOB: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:Scorpio with Libra rising.
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an "A" for Effort. I hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotels towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read this notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is bring fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. >br>
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like a ride on your own ass.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner is dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Acapulco hotel: - The manager has personal passed all the water served here. - Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speaking American.
Thailand Advertisement: Coca Cola brings your ancestors back from the dead.
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
4. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
7. Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out a his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with ear wax.
23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
25. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
15 WICKED FAKE NAMES
1. Hugh Jass
2. Hugh G. Rection
3. Stu Pitazz
4. Ivana Dusche
5. Heywood Jablowmi
6. Mike Hunt
7. Amanda Huggenkiss
8. B.O. Problem
9. Al Coholic
10. I.P. Freely
11. Oliver Clothesoff
12. Homer Sexual
13. Seymour Butz
14. Mike Rotch
15. Ivana Tinkle
30 SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
7. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
8. You've fallen and you can't get up.
9. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. The glass keeps missing your mouth!
16. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
17. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
18. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
21. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
24. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
25. Janet Reno looks good.
26. Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
27. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
28.You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
29. I'm as jober as a sudge.
30. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
Q. What do you call a chinese man behide a cash register?
A. Ching Ching
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. What did the turd say to the ass-hole?
A. I don't ever wanna go through THAT again.
Q. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree.
Q. What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A. One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Q. What's the difference between a queer and a deep freeze?
A. The deep freeze doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
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