Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
15 Things NOT to Say When You are Pulled Over By A Cop"
15. No, YOU assume the position.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am.
I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a
key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. "Can I
help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the
man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw
it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man
replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's
"thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing
a beat, moans "OHHH GOD.. . . they got my girlfriend too!!!
64 WAYS TO PISS OFF COPS
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Touch him.
6. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8. Refer to him by his first name.
9. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
16. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
17. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
18. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
19. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
20. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
21. Trip and fall into him.
22. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
24. Chew on the pen, nervously.
25. Clean your ear with the pen.
26. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
28. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
29. Act like you are retarded.
30. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31. Or mumble to yourself.
32. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
33. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
34. Ask if they know how to make the donuts..
35. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36. Ask if he watches Cops.
37. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38. Giggle if he did.
39. Talk to your hand.
40. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
41. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
42. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
44. Try to sell him your car.
45. Ask if you can buy his car.
46. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47. Play with the siren.
48. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56. Turn your head and whistle.
57. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60. Ask if you can see his gun.
61. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
62. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63. Tell him you like men in uniform.
64. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
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