joke page 5

Eye of the Tiger

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "NO, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" sakes the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's tool." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 15 feet. "That was great!!" the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and try it." ********************************************************** ******************************************************
*************************************************** **************************************************** A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Kennedy; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up andis surprised he feels so good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey,how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No- that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover - we ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!" ----------------------------------------------- -------- ------------------------------- An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

One day a golfer hit his ball into a clump of buttercup flowers. Rather than destroy the flowers trying to make a shot, he picked up the ball and threw it onto the fairway. With this a voice from above said. "This is Mother Nature and I want you to know that you are the most considerate golfer I have ever seen. Because you did what you did, you will never have to worry about butter as long as you live." With this the golfer replied, "Where were you a week ago when I hit my ball into a clump of pussy willows?"

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