Flintstones?
Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... " His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two." ***********************************************************
Love Rock
The teacher noticed one of her pupils scratching himself in his crotch, and called him up to her desk. She said, "Johnny, what is your problem"? He said, "Teacher, we went swimming down at the river, and I got poison ivy on me and I itch something awful." She said, "Well, it is not nice to scratch yourself there in public, so you will just have to bear it. Besides, scratching poison ivy only makes it worse. Now go back to your desk, and don't do it again." Johnny went back to his desk, and sat and squirmed. Finally he risked trying to scratch, and the teacher saw him and gave him a disapproving shake of her head. So he sat and wiggled and suffered and suffered. Finally when her head was turned toward the blackboard, he made a quick desperate attempt to scratch. She saw him and called him to her desk. "Now, Johnny," she said. "I warned you that you could not do that. Now you go see the principal." In tears, Johnny left for the principal's office. Soon he was back, and as he came through the door of the classroom the teacher took one look and almost fainted. His fly was open and his penis was hanging out. "Johnny," she screamed, "what are you doing"? Johnny replied, "Well, the principal told me to stick it out until noon, then I can go home !!" ********************************************************** There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!" ********************************************************* Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind. The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just afew minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot. On the third day, Johnny and Tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. Well, I started to feel something getting awfully goddamn hard ..."
Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy, more specifically, the male anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to the most embarrassing moment of my entire life! A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday (a choice which to this day I cannot justify nor rationalize, and will never again repeat). During the homily, when the priest was speaking and everyone was oh so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, Jordan decided that it would be [a good time to] examine himself and ask questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not leaned the difference between whispering and speaking in his normal loud voice, notwithstanding the fact that I have spent many hours lecturing him about the proper use of "library voices." The conversation went like this: Jordan (loud voice): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up." Mom (library voice, whispering, attempting to distract): "That's interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the little children." Jordan (even louder voice): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!" Dad (very stem and serious): "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!" Jordan (very upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!" Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering but clearly agitated): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!" Mom (continuing the facade of a calm and collected voice, still whispering and smiling): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to build with." Jordan (louder and more insistent): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then, without waiting for an answer (as if I had one), Jordan began talking to his penis. Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you belong and stop bugging me!" At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him out, and at the same time cover his mouth. Too late. The damage had been done. I heard chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and I noticed a distinct break in the priest's homily as he obviously mulled over this very unexpected addition to his sermon. My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband rolled his eyes and mouthed the words, "Get him out of here." My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?" Never before, never since, nor never again will there be a more embarrassing moment for me.
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Baby A baby was born so intelligent that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor... "Are you my doctor?", he asked. "Yes, I am" The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during my birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am", she answered. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am", his father said. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
"Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedtly: "MOMMYMOMMEY, IWAS ATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?" "A horsy." one child answered. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy." replied another youngster. "And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard."
A salesman calls this house, and the 3 year old son answers the phone. The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother ?" The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy." The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy ?" The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too." The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there ?" The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman." The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman ?" The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too." The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?" The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman." The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman. And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too." By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on. He asks the boy, "What are they all doing ?" The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper... "Looking for me."
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