Welcome to the realm of my innermost thoughts. You, reader, who trespass do so at your own will and sanity of mind. I cannot guarentee its continued existance forever, for the words contained here are not my own. My inspiration (for the most part) comes from feelings I have chosen to repress and ignore, and therefore they are not me. They are a part of me which I used to believe was a seperate entity.
Now I realise the worst. It is a disease that will consume me. I have given my emotional and spiritual life in my attempt to rid myself of this curse, yet I will see myself dwindle and die with it. You win, Shade. In the end, I cannot save myself. In an effort to extend my own existance, I scribe here the words which run through my soul, for they could never come from my head, the bastion of my logical brain. Like a computer I make only calculations there. My heart beats slower now. My soul, these words its last.

Unless the impossible should come and tear me from the jaws of eternal anguish.

But I doubt it =P

In a final post note, I'd like to point out that some of these poems deal with things of a homocidial or suicidal nature. I am entirely in good balance, and am not likely to be harming anyone, let alone killing, in the near future (because I dont expect to be signing up for the army!), I am no danger to myself or anyone else.

Lonely Blood

The quiet ones die slowly
The timid and the lowly
We avert our eyes from the beauty
that we see amongst our friends

The blood forever dripping
The hearts the fear is gripping
My soul is swiftly slipping
into the river of the damned

My love is never breathing
My Soul is always bleeding
What is this tender feeling
That I will never understand?

And now you know the story,
The blood and bone, so gory
the total lack of glory
to be a lonely man.

-Phillip Hein

The Shadows of my Mind

You took my heart and broke it.
You took my soul and smoked it.
You took my life and ruined it.
I want back what is mine.

You ran away with my love.
You ran away with my soul.
You ran away with my will.
You've comitted a crime.

Now my body's bleeding.
Now my soul needs healing.
My heart forever shattered...
In the shadows of my mind.

-Phillip Hein

Eulogy

I thought the Angel found me,
Took me up into the sky.
Her soft wings that surround me,
Led me never wonder why.

She grasped my hand in rapture,
How well she knows her men.
And I her willing capure,
I fell in love again.

I was her servant gladly,
She alone had the key.
I needed her so badly,
and she accepted me.

Like all things that I do,
and I somehow blame myself,
She at one time left me too,
Devoid of all love's wealth.

I lost my soul that night,
As we danced among the stars.
Nothing now can set this right,
Better if I lived on mars.

She left me cold and dying,
a helpless, hopeless man.
Brought me down to crying,
as only women can.

Nothing now can save me,
Somehow I deserve this pain.
Somehow this was meant to be,
The boy the angel slain.

Let me die, alone now,
As fate meant that I die.
to thee, death, I bow,
No more shall you hear my cry.

The warm blood that surrounds me,
and carries me away,
what horrible fate meant this to be,
that I should die this day.

My wrists pierced at the center,
My neck broke at the bow,
The love that I had lent her,
left me to wonder how?

As the rope will break my neck,
And the bullet pierce my heart,
The leap off of the tallest deck,
Final dive into the park.

How could any lady,
as beautiful and kind,
whom once I called my baby,
Now has made me loose my mind?

Now bury me deep within the earth,
Let not her eyes find me there.
The dust that once had given me birth,
Now cradles me with great care.

Lay your forhead to my lips,
They now are very cold.
The ground is hard, the wind it nips,
So dream of days of old,
My love,
Remember days of old.

-Phillip Hein

The World keeps moving

Look at me, what do you see?
The minion of hypocracy?
A child lost in infantcy,
Dwelling on my history?
Do you want to ask him why?
Why his head is in the sky?
Why he lets the world pass by?
His is not to reason why.
Let him know before he doubts you,
The world keeps moving on without you.
The people live their lives, without you.
Nobody really cares about you.
People say their prayers without you.
People keep on moving without you.
People fall in love without you.
People learn their lessons without you.
People live and die without you.
they break down and cry without you.
The world dosn't revolve around you.
The trees will still grow tall without you.
Their apples will still fall without you.
The world keeps moving on without you.
So why should I still care about you?
I dont,
So Long,
I'm gone,
Without you.

-Phillip Hein

Insanity

I've been driven
Screaming
Into insanity
I've been pushed
Crying
Into insanity
I came out
Flailing
Out from insanity
I've been broken
Choking
On my insanity

And now its hot
Hear the gunshot
Hear the men drop
Hear my heart stop
Its the soul Crop
Watch the corpse rot
Watch the ink blot
Its a red spot
From the gunshot

Watch them crying
As they're dying
What do they say?
Tears that glisten
Did they listen?
When they said "Die another Day"
Fires burning
People Learning
That we couldn't hear the noise
Of the evil
The Dark People
Playing with ungodly toys

How many people must die
Before we open our eyes
Before we tear the disguise
Before we Join and we Rise
Must we all become dead?
Must the rivers run red?
How many tears must be shed
Before we take off his head?

Blood is pouring
Life is boring
It was such a calamity
So I've tried
Now I've died
Driven into insanity.

-Phillip Hein

The Odds

Did you ever get that feeling,
reeling,
as though you were held back,
pushed back,
forced back,
from the world you desired,
from the girl you've admired,
you've been let up,
and you've been set up,
in a battle that you cannot win,
is it still a sin,
to believe?
to pray?
To walk away?
To cry yourself to sleep
just one more day.
today.

-Phillip Hein

Pornography

My finger it slips
My CD player skips
When I've looked at her lips
I feel her I need her.

You ask why it's burning me
Why is it I'd rather see,
A lack of intimacy,
Just one click away.

Now I've lost all my soul
Because I've lost Control
And it's Taken its Toll
This Easy Pornography.

-Phillip Hein

Questions

My heart fills with sorrow,
My head with questions,
I lack understanding,
So I try to explain.

My goals for tomorrow,
Are shattered and broken,
My body is empty,
Where once their was pain.

Who's life did I borrow?
Who asks for me now?
They all filled my anger,
Why try to contain?

There is no more sorrow,
No anger, no hate,
No questions to answer
I blew out my brain.

-Phillip Hein

You turned me away

I thought I found a friend
Someone who understood
If I asked you for help
I knew that somehow you would
But then I came to you
When I had somthing to say
Thats when you yelled at me
Thats when you turned me away

I thought you understood
How having friends made me feel
How could you could not believe
That my emotions were real
When I was laughing out loud
You told me not to shout
Now I've lost all control
This time I'm breaking out

You laughed at me
You made me cry
You yelled at me
Do you want to die?
You screamed at me
Thats the last thing you'll do
You pushed me away
I think I'm through with you.

I'm gonna kill you all
I'm gonna slaughter you
I'm gonna fucking give you
What you deserve
You treated me like I
Was somthing less than you
Now I've got you pinned
In a hail of fucking bullets

You insulted me
It revolted me
You attacked me
Now I'll attack you too
My friends or enemies
I cant tell which is which
Tell me I'm not worth it?
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCH

This taste in my mouth
It wont go away
I bet you didn't know
That you were dying today
And now you've noticed me
I've barely entered the door
Do you like what you see?
You wont be seeing much more

BANG
BANG
You wont be hearing no more

BANG
BANG
You wont be breathing no more

BANG
BANG
I wont be crying no more.

...
...
... Bang.

-Phillip Hein

Selfish

Is it selfish,
The way I've treated you?
Wanting you to be with me
Night and day
Far away
From the home that made you happy.

Is it selfish?
To need you in my arms
To kiss you on the lips
And love you
all of you
Like a man should love a woman?

Is it selfish?
To Want you to myself
To Worship you alone
So Lonely
Ask only
That you shared those feelings with me?

Is it selfish?
To treat you like a god
To touch you like a flower
And need you,
Believe you,
Even when you left me to cry alone?

Is it selfish?
Knowing that you were away
Enjoying things that I had tried to give
Gasping hot
Love alot
With a man who's name I do not know

Is it selfish?
To bury you under roses
To Wish you a happy end
Even though
We Both Know
That I killed you in revenge?

-Phillip Hein

Fallen

Questions that I cannot answer,
Repeat themselves within my mind.
I have wronged myself and goddess,
I have brought upon me disease and death.

Why did I betray her?
What goal did I have in mind?
Have I played the fool for her amusement?
Have I thrown away her blessing and her lessons?

Tempted, and I kneeled.
Tormented and I bowed.
Confronted and I did not yield.
And I died upon myself.

Present me to be judged.
I am ready to stand trial.
I have fallen from the path.
One way or the other.

Of the roads I could have travled,
I took all the wrong ones.
I am damned no matter what the test or blessing.
I am damned no matter if I am forgiven.

I have fallen. I am damned.
I am death. I am sorrow.
I am the fool.
I am the fool.

-Phillip Hein