Disclaimer: Paramount owns the charcters and the whole second season. As far as I'm concerned, they can keep the second season, too...

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Shut Up, Picard (to the tune of Sit Down, John)

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JLP: By God, I have had this Admiralty!
For two years you and Medical have revamped, remanned, and reassigned my CMOs and still you refuse to grant me even the common courtesy of a tendered opinion!
Good God, what in the hell are you waiting for?

Admirals: Shut up, Picard, Shut up, Picard, for Starfleet's sake shut up!
Shut up, Picard, shut up, Picard, for Paramount's sake shut up!

Crewman (injured): Someone want to call for a doctor?

Admirals: It's murder in sweeps
When a captain weeps
For the ratings' sake, Picard, shut up!

Crewman (bleeding): I really think we ought to get a doctor!

JLP: I say bring back Bev, bring back Bev, bring back Beverly Crusher!

Crewman (hemmoraging): Someone get us a real doctor!

JLP: I say bring back Bev!

Admirals: Shut up, Picard!

JLP: Bring back Beverly Crusher!

Crewman (holding his guts in): Maybe you ought to bring back Crusher?

Admirals: No, no, no, she comes with Wes, she comes with Wes!

Riker: But she left him on board the Enterprise!

Crewman (barely holding on to conciousness): Are you going to give us a new doctor?

Deanna: Can't we compromise here?

JLP: Bring back Bev!

Admirals: Just so he can get a rise there?

JLP: Bring back Bev!

All: Oh, for God's sake, Picard, shut up!

JLP: Mon Dieu, consider yourselves fortunate that you have Jean-Luc Picard to abuse, for any one with a shorter contract would not tolerate it!

Roddenberry: Picard, you're a sketch, so just quit your kvetch.
And no, I won't take letters from the fans!

JLP: I say bring back Bev!

Admirals: No!

JLP: Bring back Bev!

Roddenberry: No!

JLP: Bring back Beverly Crusher!

Crewmember (going into neural shock): Someone really ought to get a doctor.

JLP: I say bring back Bev.

Admirals: Shut up, Picard.

JLP: Bring back Beverly Crusher.

Nechayev: Will someone shut that man up?

JLP: Never! Never!
Mon Dieu. For two whole years they have been sitting there, two whole seasons, fiddling with the female characters.
I do believe you've laid a curse on the good ship Enterprise
A curse that's gone from bad to worse and which I did not authorize.
Dr. Beverly was bad enough with her temper and her son
and your chances in her sickbay-- the survival rate was none.
But then you sent Pulaski
That outrage must be undone!

I am a loyal captain on the good ship Enterprise
But we may resort to mutiny
on the good ship Enterprise
If you don't want to see us joining
The Cardassian flock
If you don't want to see the flagship
on a Ferengi auction block
Then, sirs, bring back Beverly
at our very next space dock!

Pulaski'd fuss and fidget and Data bash
She couldn't even heal a rash.
Fuss and fidget and Data bash
I wish she'd go in a transporter flash.
She just spends all her time reading poetry--
from Kronos.

Crewmember (convulsing): Someone really ought to hire a doctor.

JLP: Oh, merde!

The trekkers will sit for almost anything on the good ship Enterprise
But they really want some chemistry to tease and tantalize
Pulaski is just an insipid, pale, obnoxious clone of Doctor Bones
She even liked that vapid script about the Irish and the clones
They would bring back Beverly if the producers had cojones!

You see, Pulaski'd fuss and fidget and Data bash
She's caustic, abrasive, annoyingly brash
Fuss and fidget and Data bash
Even set Kyle Riker's teeth to gnash
If she doesn't leave soon I shall go mad--
or scratch out her eyes.

Bev: Jean-Luc, is that you carrying on, Jean?

JLP: Oh, Beverly, I have such a desire...to knock heads together.

Bev: I know, Jean-Luc, I know. But that's because you make everything so complicated. It's all quite simple, really.

Just tell the admiralty that I want back and the Enterprise needs me.
And if they simply won't agree, we'll let loose my Wesley!
I'm sure he has some experiment that would wreck havoc on the Feds
Or create an interstellar incident to wake them from their beds
Or maybe a private little war....

JLP: Beverly, have you had your meds?
Doctor, in my last message I asked you to have Medical check Pukelaski's credentials. Have you done as I asked?

Bev: No, Jean, I have not.

JLP: And why have you not?

Bev: Jean, I'm afraid we have a more urgent problem.

JLP: More urgent, Doctor?

Bev: When I left my Wesley with you on the good ship Enterprise
It was with your promise that his education you'd supervise
But when it came to women you let Wee Willie have his way
And now that's he's a ladies man Wesley won't hear a word I say
Well, I won't check out Pulaski Until you make Riker pay!

JLP: Riker, Doctor? Pulaski!

Bev: Riker!

JLP: Pulaski!

Bev: Riker!

JLP: Pulaski!

Bev: Riker!

JLP: Pulaski!

Bev: Riker!

JLP: The crone!

Bev: The perv!

JLP: Crone!

Bev: Perv!

JLP: CRONE!

Bev: Perv.

JLP: Done, Beverly, done.

Bev: Done, Jean-Luc. Bring me home quickly, Jean.

JLP: As soon as I'm able.

Bev: And beat Wesley for me--he's all I have.

JLP: Every day, my dearest friend.

Bev and JLP: Till then, till then, I am, as I ever was, and ever shall be, not quite yours, never quite yours.

JLP: Pulaski's credentials...

Bev: Riker's ugly hide...

Crewmember (with his dying breath): For God's sake, bring back Bev!