~ STAR WARS: The Purple Sith by Ali Hadden hadden@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu Forward The Purple Sith a screenplay by Ali Hadden (hadden@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu) Copyright 1995. Rights to the characters of Star Wars and Barney & Friends belong solely to their owners, but the blasphemy is mine. Sensitive readers should not attempt to ingest this semi-noxious material. Not recommended for children under the age of three. Continue in good conscience. Act I Scene 1 [Setting: an interruption in the events of ROJ, shortly after the rescue of Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt. The Rebel fleet has retreated to the planet of Na'Sharuk, a marshy sort of place. Most have stayed on board their ships in orbit while chief leaders are in conference in the planetside base of operations. A lone X-wing fighter approaches the fleet, then veers toward the planet as its sun rises across the ecliptic. Fabulous Star Wars music.] Scene 2 [Inside the base of operations. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Leia Organa, Mon Mothma, Admiral Ackbar, R2D2, C3PO, and advisers are looking somewhat anxiously at a table-like viewscreen (as on Yavin in ANH), muttering among themselves. Solo seems particularly perturbed. Enter Luke Skywalker. Others greet him.] Leia: Luke! (they hug) Luke: I received your transmission just before coming out of hyperspace at the original rondezvous point. What gives? Han: (gestures to the viewscreen) _That_ gives. I've never seen anything so disgusting in my life. Just...just look at that. (Overcome with repulsion, he passes a hand over his face and turns away) Adviser: Let me turn up the volume. (others except Luke groan) [The Viewscreen features an episode of Barney & Friends, along with 8-bit toy piano sound--"I love you, you love me..."] Luke: (cringing) What is it? Leia: Something so horrible... Han: (mutters) Something so stupid... Leia: ...it defies logical explanation. We've never come across anything like this before. Luke: Well, it...seems friendly enough. Mon Mothma: A cruel facade, Commander. Look here. (she touches a control and the view pulls back to reveal three young human children watching Barney on a home-video monitor in mindless stupor) [Luke closes his eyes for a moment, reaching out through the Force to touch the children--8-bit music drowned out by marvelous "Luke reaching through the Force" music.] Luke: (opens his eyes) Amazing. I feel no presence other than that...whatever-it-is. Leia: Barney. Their brains have been turned into complete vacuum. Ackbar: Never has this universe been posed with such a threat. This demon must be vanquished with full expediency! (wheeze) Luke: Well, I don't know. It seems to me the Empire might be more of a pressing matter right now, what with a new Death Star in the works. Han: Forget the Empire! Look at this thing! Leia: This is much much worse than anything Vader has ever thrown at us, Luke. Mon Mothma: (softly) Think of the position we could obtain if this power were to be channeled toward our enemies... [Han beats a fist against the viewscreen, scrambling the picture for a moment] Leia: Think of the children that have been warped by this creature. The future. Luke: (eyes Leia skeptically) Are we talking censorship then? Leia: No. Luke, we are talking complete domination of the intergalactic marketplace. Luke: (shakes his head) I don't follow. Ackbar: It has come to our attention, Commander Skywalker, that as our audience ages the sales of our Star Wars paraphenalia, particularly toys, has decreased. Luke: It stands to reason. The generation ages, starts reading Tolstoy... Han: (shouts) Don't you get it? We are losing our place in the toy industry to _that_! Mon Mothma: If the older generation fails to pass down our brilliance to the younger, it could have devestating effects on our galaxy's economy. Leia: Don't you understand, Luke? Not only will that sector raise a race of mindless, politically correct invalids, but it will bankrupt us! You might...(she grasps his arms, a horrifying thought coming to her)...Good lord, Mar--I mean, Luke...you migh t have to start doing...voice-overs. Luke: (clenches his gloved right hand, squelching anger) Yes. This is an enemy we cannot allow to persist. Vader and his Emperor will have to wait. Leia: Has anyone gotten a hold of George? He should be made aware of this. Mon Mothma: We haven't been able to get a hold of Mr. Lucas in years. Leia: I have to try. Han: See if you can track down exactly where that thing is so we can blast it outta space. Luke: No, Han. I feel... Han: Sick? Luke: No...cold...death...I have to face it. Alone. Han: Now you're talkin' crazy. Luke: It would be best for all if this thing never existed, and I intend to put an end to it. (exits) Leia: Luke, no! Han, hold me! (she throws herself into Solo's arms and weeps) Oh, the humanity! Scene 3 [Vader's Super Star Destroyer, the Executor, flies elegantly through space, overshadowing all of the smaller Star Destroyers that come across its path. TIE fighters zip to and fro between ships. Awesome Imperial music...] Scene 4 [Vader prowls the bridge. Officers are bustling about, looking for anything to preoccupy themselves, anything but draw the attention of the notorious Sith Lord. A junior officer finds something odd on radar. As Admiral Piett passes, he clears his throat] Scobie: S-sir? Admiral sir? Piett: (stops behind him, hands clasped behind his back) What is it, Scobie? Scobie: Take a look at this, sir. Piett: (after a cursory glance) As I said, what is it, Lieutenant Scobie? Scobie: I have no idea. An unidentified ship of some sort. Perhaps one of those patched together smuggling ships from Corellia? Piett: Nonsense. It's too large. And we're too far from Corellia... Vader: (approaching) A problem, Admiral Piett? Piett: (both he and Scobie straighten) No...uh...actually, perhaps. Lieutenant Scobie has a UFO on radar. Vader: Have you identified it? Piett: No, my lord. (clears his throat and risks:) That's why it's un-identified. [A pause of dead silence. Piett's cheek twitches.] Piett: (hurriedly) Shall we intercept? [Vader turns his attention from Piett to the radar and stares at the blip.] Vader: (almost a purr) Track them closely, but do not alert them to our presence. Piett: But your rondezvous with the Emperor... Vader: (turns to him suddenly) I will retire to my private chambers and consult with the Emperor personally. I will not be disturbed under any circumstance. Piett: (bows his head briefly) As you wish, my lord. Vader: (wags a warning finger) Keep in mind the fate of your predecessor, Admiral Piett. It would be unfortunate to see you fall to the same...clumsiness. [Piett nods and watches the Dark Lord exit, becoming pale.] Scobie: sir...? Piett: (distractedly) Carry on. (walks away) Scene 5 [Vader's private chamber.Vader is kneeling before a holo of the Emperor.] Palpatine: I suspected something might interfere with our visit, Lord Vader. How it saddens me to be so long absent from my doting apprentice. (sudden menace) An absence for which you will pay dearly. Vader: It is in the interest of the Empire. Palpatine: The successful corruption of young Skywalker by some bumbling seven-foot lizard? Surely not. Vader: Skywalker has become powerful. As you said, he could destroy us. To place his corruption in the hands of a third party would save us a great deal. Palpatine: But you fail to envision the economic nature of this creature... Vader: I do not. Once Skywalker has started down his chosen path, I will collect him, and the saccharine newt will be blown to particulate matter. Palpatine: Ah! Good. Very good. Yet, how far behind schedule will this place the Death Star operation? Vader: A matter of sidereal days, my master. Palpatine: Three days. No more. You may proceed with my blessing. Vader: My thanks and loyalty are yours, master. (bows his head) Scene 6 [X-wing flying through space. Artoo-Detoo beeps a question] Luke: No, Artoo. Nothing Ben and Yoda have ever taught will help me here. The only hope I have is to discover the nature of the beast before destroying it. (sighs) I'm completely unprepared. [Artoo beeps] Luke: No. It's not out of anger. I have to think of those little kids whose brains have been carmelized. And what if this Barney conquers the toy market? Remote controlled R2 units will be a thing of the past, my friend. [Artoo squawks] Luke: My sentiments exactly. This is the right thing to do. [Artoo beeps shortly, then whistles a series of datum] Luke: (awed) Yes, Artoo. I see it. [The X-wing flies toward a giant ship the shape of a birthday cake. The X-wing begins to vibrate as it is caught in a tractor beam.] Luke: They've got us! This is it, Artoo. Let's just hope Leia can track down Uncle George before it's too late... [The X-wing is pulled into the underbelly of the ship which is painted with a yellow smiley. Annoying 8-bit Barney music.] Act II Scene 1 [A desert in Arizona. George Lucas and Steven Speilberg are directing yet another Indiana Jones movie. Speilberg is arguing over some fine point in the script with Harrison Ford] Speilberg: It's poe-tay-toe. Ford: No. It's pah-tah-toe. Speilberg: Poe-tay-toe! Ford: Pah-tah-toe! Speilberg: Poe-tay-toe! Ford: Pah-tah-toe! [Etc. Lucas throws his hands in the air and retreats to a director's chair near a tent, watching the ensuing argument from further off. He wipes sweat from his forehead and opens a bottle of grog. An assistant approaches with a nifty special effects gadget.] Assistant: Holo for you, Mr. Lucas. Lucas: Thanks. [He sets the holocom on a crate and slaps a button. A holo of Leia appears.] Lucas: Well, if it isn't the girl of my dreams. Leia: Thank goodness we finally found you. Lucas: (glances at Speilberg and Ford) Things have been pretty crazy... Leia: (interrupts) I wouldn't have bothered if it wasn't an emergency. Lucas: Now, princess, if it's about that metal-plated bikini, I apologize. Leia: No! Well, that was pretty snug, but this is far worse. A horrible creature threatens our very existence, _your_ very existence. Lucas: (leans forward) Do tell. [Leia goes into an explanation of Barney which I don't feel like repeating. Speilberg and Ford part ways in a huff and Speilberg approaches Lucas] Leia:...Mr. Lucas, you are our only hope. If you can't help us, the Star Wars universe will be overwhelmed by...(shudders)...cuteness. Lucas: (sits back, scratches his beard in thought) Cuteness. Huh. Hey Steve, what do you think about...teddybears? [Speilberg, still miffed about the Ford encounter, takes off his baseball cap and waps Lucas across the head with it.] Lucas: Right. Well, Leia, I'll see what can be done. The entire script may have to be rewritten. Until then, just do the best with what you have. Leia: (dejected) I knew this was hopeless. Lucas: Wait. Luke hasn't gone off and done anything foolish, has he? Leia: Of course he has. We'll just have to "do the best with what we have". (the holo disappears) [Both Lucas and Speilberg stare at the holocom, stunned. Lucas turns slowly toward Speilberg] Lucas: You really don't like the idea of teddybears? Speilberg: The blue elephant was bad enough, George. Scene 2 [Barney's docking bay--decorated with cardboard cut-outs of toy soldiers, balloons, and streamers. Luke's X-wing has been barraged with streamers and confetti. From the silence of his cockpit, Luke cracks open the canopy. The docking bay loudspeaker blares] Barney & Friends: (sing) And we'll have a great big party when he comes, and we'll have a great big party when he comes, and we'll have a great big party and we'll have a great big... [Luke slams the cockpit shut thus muting the music, rips the helmet off his head, and groans. He rests his head against the seat for a moment, eyes closed.] Luke: All right. One...two...THREE! [The canopy bursts open and Luke sommersaults to the deck, unholsters a blaster and instinctively fires at the loudspeaker. His blaster simply goes _pop_.] Luke: Whaa? (he looks down the barrel.) [Artoo rolls alongside him as he takes more careful aim and fires again. _Pop_. Artoo beeps.] Luke: Why? What? (he turns to look out into space--a very cheesy effect of black construction paper poked with pencil holes) It can't be... (A "sun" made of yellow constuction paper glued to a popcicle stick, smiley and all, passes by--held by a child' s hand. Luke swoons, leaning against Artoo for support) This is going to be the end of me, Artoo. [Artoo beeps reassuringly. His front compartment opens to reveal a CD-player. A giant speaker emerges from his dome and one on each side. Across the top speaker are the letters "THX".] Luke: (smiles) Fight flame with inferno. Let's see. (he digs through his flightsuit, removes a wad of CDs, peruses them.) Nope (tosses the reject). Nope (toss). Nope (toss). Ah. This is the one. (John Williams SW soundtrack. Luke kisses it and slides the CD into Artoo's player.) [Thundering SW music clashes with Barney songs. Luke takes aim at the loudspeaker and fires again. This time, a somewhat cheesy laser hits its mark. The loudspeaker fizzles.] Luke: Well, not perfect, but better. C'mon, Artoo. [Exit into the ship.] Scene 3 [Vader's TIE fighter flies out of the Executor, alone. Within, Vader taps coordinates into the navi-computer.] Vader: He is my son. Can I allow his mind to become so irrevocably damaged? [He pulls back on a lever, the TIE goes into hyperspace.] Scene 4 [Luke and Artoo enter Barney's playroom. Rows of children sit cross-legged on the floor, staring blankly at tv screens on either side of the room. Barney and his evil henchman Baby Bop are playing on a dias up front.] Barney: Ho ho! Our new friend Luke has come to play! Isn't this exciting everyone? Children: (chant) Yes, Great Purple One. [Artoo shrieks, becomes a cardboard cut-out, and falls flat. Luke looks disturbed.] Barney: Come on, everybodeeee! Let's all give our new friend Luke a super-dee-duper welcome! Baby Bop: (claps hands) Oh goody goody goody! Baby Bop wants a hug. Baby Bop wants a hug! (goes to Luke with open arms) Luke: Stay away from me, you hideous thing you. (Takes out a lightsaber--one of the toy plastic kind with cheap batteries. Taps it against his hand.) Plastic? PLASTIC?? What have you done to the special effects, you creepy lizard?? Barney: Special? (chuckles) Did he say SPECIAL, everyone? Children: (chant) Yes he did, Great Purple One. [They all rise and begin to sing] You are special, you're the only one, the only one like you. There isn't another in the whole wide world who can do the things you do. Cuz you are special, spacial, everyone is spacial...(etc) Luke: (covers his ears) No! Nooooo! I can't stand it! [Baby Bop continues her advance for hugs, but Luke whacks her across the head with the toy lightsaber and sends her sprawling. He jumps to an above catwalk for safety] Barney: Now, Luke, that was inappropriate behavior. I think our new friend isn't being very nice, is he, everybodeee? [This time the children don't respond, as they all have been turned into cardboard cut-outs] Luke: What have you done to them?? What have you done to my droid?? (jumps down from the catwalk to attack) Barney: Now, Luke, it's okay to be angry. Everybody gets mad sometimes, don't they? You know what I do when I'm angry? Luke: (seething) Warp the minds of young children? Infiltrate the toy market of superior products? No, tell me, Barney...(lifts a finger and points at Barney) Tell me what _you_ do when you're angry. [Barney clears his thoat, but the Force choke-hold seems to have little effect] Luke: (mutters, looks at his hand) Damn these effects. Barney: (jumps and kicks his heels together) I sing a little song! And a one and a two and a one two three four! [Luke staggers back, into Darth Vader--Barney's song is backgrounded.] Vader: Luke, only with our combined strength can we remove this threat from our galaxy. Join me. Luke: Uhhhh....(begins to develop a blank stare) I....uhhh...doh! (faints) Barney: Aw, isn't that sweet? Luke's dad has come to join our little fiesta! Super-dee-dupe...aaaack! [Vader advances, achieving a choke hold on Barney. Barney falls, writhing in agony. An aura of superior special effects surrounds Vader. Sith music plays ever-so-ominously. Outside the large window, stars return to their normal being, not cut-outs of construction paper] Vader: (purrs) I will collect my son, reptile. Barney: (desperate gasp) I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to... [Barney's windpipe crunches as Vader closes his fist. Luke gets up, groggy, trying to clear his head] Luke: Father? Vader: (softly) And the saccharine newt is no more. (turns to Luke and extends his hand) My son, you must come with me to Endor. Luke: (tilts his head defiantly) Why should I? Vader: (taken off guard) Well...the script...destiny. Luke: Oh. (scratches his head) Let's get back to it then. [Exit. Finis.]