Three Bald Guys...Auditions!
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI sitting in the balcony by himself.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to a special episode of "Three Bald Guys Review...". Today, we'd thought we'd give you a little "behind-the-scenes" glimpse into how our show was put together. And, since I was actually the first Bald Guy contracted for the show, it seems appropriate that I be your host on this journey into the past. It may seem hard to imagine anyone but Teal'c and Picard sitting in this balcony with me, but back in the beginning our producer was considering many hopefuls to fill those seats. We thought we'd show you a few of those auditions now. (he looks off-screen) Roll it!
(Picture fades out...)
(...File footage rolls. We see the balcony, but the picture is a bit grainy. GARIBALDI enters, settles into a seat and looks off-screen.)
GARIBALDI: Is this good? Should I sit somewhere else?
PRODUCER: (off-screen) No, that's fine.
GARIBALDI: Because I can sit somewhere else! Really! It's no problem! Have I mentioned how much I appreciate you giving me this gig?
PRODUCER: (off-screen) About a hundred times.
GARIBALDI: 'Cause it was either this, or run for Congress. And I'm not *that* desperate yet.
PRODUCER: (off-screen) Right. Okay, so here's the deal: we're going to bring these folks in one at a time. We've had them screen a few flicks, and we want you to chat them up about the movies...about themselves...y'know, just to get a feeling for what kind of chemistry you'll have with them.
GARIBALDI: Got it.
(Picture fades out...)
(Picture fades back in, and sitting next to GARIBALDI is...):
MING: I am well, thank you.
GARIBALDI: So...(he fidgets a bit) I love the outfit.
MING: Thank you.
GARIBALDI: Um...how's Princess Aura?
MING: She is well, I suppose. I haven't seen much of her since she and that accursed Flash Gordon deposed me.
GARIBALDI: Oh. Well, at least you had a cool soundtrack while it was happening. Queen, and all that.
MING: True. Queen does rock. You know, I perform a bit of music myself.
GARIBALDI: Really?
MING: Indeed. Would you like to hear some? (he pulls a guitar from behind his seat, strums it once)
GARIBALDI: Wow, that was great.
MING: Well, I've been practicing. I sing a bit too (he clears his throat, strums the guitar): I've got a monkey! It lives in my pants!--
PRODUCER: (off-screen) Next!
MING: --And when you pet it--
PRODUCER: (off-screen) NEXT!!!!
GENERAL HAMMOND: --and so Colonel O'Neill says, "MacGyver? I just met 'er!"
(GARIBALDI and HAMMOND laugh)
GARIBALDI: (wiping his eyes) Oh, man. The SGC sounds like a blast.
HAMMOND: Oh, it is. But I need a bit more to do, you know? I spend most of my time telling people to open and close the iris. But I can do more! I've got range, man! That's why I'm hoping to get this gig. Stretch myself a bit, you know?
GARIBALDI: Hey, I'm with you. So...getting back to "2001: A Space Odyssey", how do you think they should have handled things once they realized HAL had slipped a gear and gone nuts?
HAMMOND: Well, they did the best they could under the circumstances. They probably could have solved it better if they'd just closed the iris on that crazy--(he slaps his forehead) Wait! Sorry! Can I try again?
GARIBALDI: Uh, sure.
HAMMOND: Thanks. It's just, you know, this is new to me, it might take a while to open the iris and get used to--Crap! Okay, okay, one more time...
PRODUCER: (off-screen) Thank you, we'll be in touch.
HAMMOND: Hey, just one more try! I can close the iris! Really! Ah, crap!
(Picture fades out...)
(Picture fades back in...)
GARIBALDI: --I have to disagree with you. I don't think HAL was simply malfunctioning. There was something else at work affecting him, some higher power.
YODA: For nine hundred years have I reviewed movies. My own counsel will I keep on how to review!
GARIBALDI: Hey, calm down, little guy!
YODA: Little? Judge me by my size, do you? Hmmm?
GARIBALDI: Well...yeah.
YODA: Teach you some respect, I must.
GARIBALDI: Oh, please. You and what army, pip-squeak?
(YODA whistles, and from behind the seats pop GROVER, BERT, ERNIE and THE COUNT.)
THE COUNT: One, two, three, four, five! Five cans of whup-ass to open on you! Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!
GARIBALDI: You've *got* to be kidding...
ERNIE: Um...Bert, this might be a bad time, but I think we really need to talk about our relationship...
BERT: Later! (he turns to GARIBALDI, leaps for his throat) DIE!!!!!
(The Muppets swarm all over GARIBALDI.)
(Picture fades out...)
(Picture fades back in...)
GARIBALDI: (his face now beaten and bruised, sporting a black eye) So, how you been, Skippy?
SKIPPY NARANEK: .......
GARIBALDI: Okay...Seen any good movies lately?
SKIPPY: .......
GARIBALDI: Ah. How about them Dodgers?
SKIPPY: (tilting his head) The bacon is green, but the river has no hair.
(They sit in silence for a few moments.)
GARIBALDI: Good talking with you, man.
(Picture fades out...)
(Picture fades back in...)
MR. GARRISON: --and that's why Rush Limbaugh is totally gay.
GARIBALDI: Uh...great, but what does that have to the philisophical ramifications of the monolith in "2001"?
MR. GARRISON: Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, do I have to explain everything to you?
GARIBALDI: If you'd just make some sense...
MR. GARRISON: (shoving Mr. Hat into GARIBALDI's face) You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
GARIBALDI: (recoiling) Get that puppet away from me! Get it away!!
(Picture fades out...)
(Picture fades back in to the present, with GARIBALDI alone on the balcony.)
GARIBALDI: Well, there you have it. Just a few of the audition tapes that helped lead to the show we have today. There are others, but we're out of time. Maybe on a future edition of the show we can get to those. Or maybe not. As long as there aren't any Muppets involved. Anyway, until next time I'm Michael Garibaldi saying--pass the Goobers!
Return to "Three Bald Guys Review..." Menu
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page