The 1st Annual Gabby Awards
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and PICARD--all dressed in tuxedos--sitting in their usual seats in the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to the first annual Gabby Awards. I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Now, I'm sure many of you are wondering, "What's a Gabby Award, and why am I, the viewer, wasting my time on this?" Well, to answer the second question first: you're here because the secret brain implants you've all been fitted with are working PERFECTLY!
GARIBALDI: (grinning) Yeah, and with the right code-word we could have every last one of you barking like a dog...
TEAL'C: Of course, we handle this power very responsibly...
GARIBALDI: (trying to restrain a laugh) Oh, yeah...yeah, we do...
PICARD: As to the question, "What's a Gabby Award?"...It's our look back at science-fiction-related events or trends we've noticed in the past year that seem worthy of attention. It's named after one of the forgotten Looney Tunes characters, Gabby Goat, who appeared in two or three cartoons as a sidekick to Porky Pig before being shunted off into obscurity.
GARIBALDI: He was kind of the precursor to Daffy Duck.
PICARD: Which is really beside the point. Suffice to say, we feel that the winners of this award deserve--like Gabby himself--to be recognized.
GARIBALDI: So let's get to it!
(There's a flourish of stately trumpet music)
TEAL'C: Our first category is "Best Sci-Fi-Themed Commercial". There was no real contest here. The hands-down winner--or should I say winners--are...Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Taco Bell, for their combined "Star Wars: Episode I" commercial series.
GARIBALDI: Folks, there's nothing more inspiring than seeing an old Southern colonel, a young pizza delivery girl and a talking chihuahua fighting the forces of evil.
PICARD: You said it, Michael. Why didn't *they* get their own movie?
TEAL'C: I'd pay to see it...
GARIBALDI: Moving along...our next award is for "Best Humanitarian Achievement". And the Gabby goes to...wait for it...Starvin' Marvin, for his actions in the "South Park" episode "Starvin' Marvin in Space".
PICARD: Young Marvin, an Ethiopian boy, finds a spacecraft and sets off to find the starving people of his village a new home, away from the missionaries whose philosophy is "reading the Bible + accepting Jesus as your savior = food". Though opposed by the combined forces of Pat Robertson and his 700 Club *and* Sally Struthers, Marvin prevails and finds his people a home on a fertile new world.
TEAL'C: (wiping a tear from his eye) God bless that boy...
PICARD: Next, we come to "Most Disturbing Behavior on the Part of Internet Sci-Fi Fans". The winner here is...all the fans who've taken it upon themselves to refer to their favorite creators in an avuncular sense.
GARIBALDI: For example, certain "Star Wars" fans referring to George Lucas as "Uncle George". People, this is just thirteen kinds of creepy. And though it shames me to admit it, a special Gabby Award has to go out to my old buddy and former boss, J. Michael Straczynski--who often refers to himself as "Unca Joe"...
(GARIBALDI shakes his head in dismay, then looks firmly into the camera.)
GARIBALDI: Joe, if you're out there...stop it. Please. We're worried about you, man. Put away the Junior Woodchucks Guidebook and come back to us...
TEAL'C: Next up..."Most Explosive Performance". This one HAS to go to Rygel of the Sci-Fi Channel's "Farscape". In one episode of the series, a certain food he's eaten mixes with his digestive fluids to produce a rather...combustible result.
PICARD: He had explosive urine, folks. I kid you not.
GARIBALDI: I've had that feeling after some all-night parties...
PICARD: This is only the second time we've seen a Muppet urinate (the first was in the film "Labyrinth")--and the first time I've EVER seen wee-wee used as a weapon. This Gabby Award is well-earned--because, try though I might, I will never be able to remove that image from my memory. I'm scarred for life...
GARIBALDI: Moving on, we come to "Most Boneheaded Network Maneuver". No contest at all, here--TNT has this one locked up. For cancelling "Crusade" before it even went on the air, they really deserve a whack with a baseball bat, but we're giving them a Gabby instead.
TEAL'C: We're so nice.
PICARD: What I want to know is, what network executive made the decision, what kind of crack was he smoking, and where can I get some?
TEAL'C: Next up...in the category of "Most Cringe-worthy Line of Dialogue", we award the Gabby to Anakin Skywalker of "Star Wars: Episode I" for his use of the term, "Yippee!"
(TEAL'C, GARIBALDI and PICARD cringe in unison)
PICARD: And finally, we come to the most coveted Gabby of all...
(A triumphant trumpet flourish plays.)
PICARD:..."Best Performance by a Bald Guy".
(Another trumpet flourish plays.)
PICARD: And the win--
(Another trumpet flourish interrupts him.)
PICARD: The winner--
(Trumpets play again.)
PICARD: The winner is--
(Again with the trumpets.)
PICARD: (scowling) Will someone shut them up?
(The trumpets begin to play; TEAL'C pulls out his zat gun and fires off-screen; there's a brassy squawk, then silence.)
PICARD: Thank you. The winner is Laurence Fishburne for his performance in "The Matrix".
GARIBALDI: This guy is just way neat. He brought a level of sheer coolness to the role of Morpheus, rebel leader in a machine-ruled world, that no other bald guy performance could match.
TEAL'C: And those sunglasses of his ruled. I have to get some of those.
GARIBALDI: The man is just slick, pure and simple.
PICARD: (smiling into the camera) And that'll do it for this year's awards, folks. Congratulations to all our winners, and thanks for joining us...Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...
PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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