Three Bald Guys Review
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
(Theme music fades, and the lights rise to reveal PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.
PICARD: Utinni! And welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at what some have hailed as the most anticipated film of all time: "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace". Be warned, though--we'll be discussing key events, so if you haven't seen the film yet...
GARIBALDI: If you haven't seen the film yet, you're obviously some kind of Communist.
PICARD: (looking askance at Garibaldi) Be that as it may....As the film opens, we learn that the greedy Trade Federation has blockaded the planet of Naboo--
TEAL'C: Gesundheit!
PICARD: --and are planning an invasion with their droid army. Enter Jedi Knights Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam Neeson, and young Obi-Wan Kenobi, portrayed by Ewan McGregor. Sent to resolve the dispute on behalf of the Republic, they instead find themselves attacked by the Trade Federation and flee to the planet. There, they encounter the Gungan Jar-Jar Binks, have some underwater adventure, and later help Queen Amidala--played by Natalie Portman--escape the Trade Federation's clutches.
GARIBALDI: With the help of a certain plucky R2 unit, it must be noted.
PICARD: The group's path eventually leads them to Tatooine, where they meet a young slave named Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd, who shows a remarkable affinity for the Force.
TEAL'C: Not to mention great mechanical prowess. Building your own pod racer and droid cannot be easy.
PICARD: Agreed. We haven't seen a boy genius this skilled since--
GARIBALDI: (grinning) Wesley Crusher?
(PICARD grabs the front of GARIBALDI'S shirt and angrily yanks him forward.)
PICARD: (snarling) Don't you *ever* mention that monster's name in my presence again. Do you hear me? Do you know how many years I've spent trying to forget him?! (adopts a whiny voice) "Oh, Captain! You've got decades more experience than I do, but I can still run the ship better than you!" If his mother hadn't been so hot, I'd have spaced the little--
TEAL'C: (laying a hand on PICARD'S shoulder) The review, Picard. Stick to the review, and remember your therapy.
PICARD: (takes a deep breath) You're right. Where was I? Oh, yes. Tatooine. After an exciting pod race, Qui-Gon--believing Anakin to be the "Chosen One" of Jedi prophecy--manages to secure the boy's freedom, and takes him along to be trained as a Jedi. But he faces one last threat before leaving--in the form of Darth Maul, a vicious Sith apprentice intent on destroying the Jedi.
GARIBALDI: A bald villain, folks. With horns, no less! HORNS! So you *know* he's bad news.
PICARD: Our heroes then journey to Coruscant, heart of the Republic, where Qui-Gon attempts to convince the Jedi Council--including Yoda--that Anakin should be trained. But to no avail, as the Council see a clouded path for the boy, and refuse the training. Queen Amidala, meanwhile, is no more successful in her own attempts to lobby the Senate for help against the Trade Federation. When the petty bureaucracies of the Republic eliminate any hope of freeing her people, she resolves to return to Naboo--
TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Gesundheit!
PICARD: --and try to liberate them herself. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan accompany her, as alliances are forged, armies clash and Jedi duels Sith in an epic struggle for the fate of a planet.
Now folks, I'm not one to say this very often, but this film kicks some serious boo-TAY. Fun, fun, fun! It has its flaws, to be sure, but overall this is definitely worth the time. An entertaining story, and some great music by John Williams. I particularly liked how he took the menacing "Darth Vader's Theme" from "The Empire Strikes Back" and subtly weaved it into the gentler "Anakin's Theme" here. The performances worked well for me, too; though I do think that Anakin was just a bit too cutesy in parts...
GARIBALDI: True, and that whole "immaculate conception" thing seems a bit unusual. I think it's FAR more likely that his mother just drank a little too much blue milk and got too frisky with one of the local Jawas. But that's just *my* theory...
TEAL'C: Speaking of Anakin, one thing that has puzzled me is why some people are complaining that Anakin didn't show enough of a dark side in this film, since he'll later become Darth Vader. It seems to me that his transformation will be that much more effective after seeing him evolve from this innocent youth...
GARIBALDI: No kidding! What, were these people expecting him to put the "Force Choke" on his mom because she wouldn't let him stay up late...?
PICARD: Besides, if you look for it, there *is* a hint of what's to come. Witness the scene wherein the Jedi Council pronounces its verdict on Anakin's training. When Mace Windu, a *bald* Jedi --
(PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI grin and give a silent thumbs up)
PICARD: --ably played by Samuel Jackson, informs Qui-Gon that Anakin will not be trained...the brief look that Anakin gives Mace Windu is less than friendly, to say the least. It's called *subtlety* folks.
GARIBALDI: And speaking of subtlety, or rather, a distinct LACK thereof...Jar Jar Binks. I found him a bit too goofy, but tolerable. What did you two think?
TEAL'C: Lucas must kill him. Violently.
PICARD: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but he *was* a bit over-the-top here and there. But the effects that brought him to life, and which permeated the film, were nothing short of spectacular.
TEAL'C: Agreed. Very, very impressive. The cityscapes were dazzling, the battles exciting...
GARIBALDI: Even the people who hate the film won't argue with that. Especially that lightsaber duel between Maul, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Whew!
PICARD: Lucas promised we'd see the Jedi in their prime, and boy, did we!
GARIBALDI: That pod race wasn't too shabby, either. Kind of like "Ben-Hur" meets "The Little Rascals", but it worked well.
TEAL'C: If I'm not mistaken, when Jabba was presiding over that race, wasn't that a female Hutt beside him?
GARIBALDI: I had that impression, too. Mrs. Jabba, maybe?
PICARD: If so, it makes you see why he'd want to upgrade to Princess Leia later on down the line...
GARIBALDI: I also rather liked the whole sequence with the underwater shuttle. I know some see it as a basically useless sequence, but I still enjoyed it.
TEAL'C: I must disagree with the "useless" verdict. In fact, I believe one section of that sequence ties in very well thematically with the rest of the film. Namely, when the shuttle is attacked by one fish, which is in turn attacked by a still larger creature, Qui-Gon comments: "There's always a bigger fish." Now notice how the heroes fight the Trade Federation and Darth Maul through the film, unaware of the "bigger fish" behind both of them--Darth Sidious.
GARIBALDI: Yeah...or maybe the sequence was just an excuse to show some big scary monsters.
TEAL'C: That, too.
GARIBALDI: And let's not forget the introduction of Senator Palpatine--destined to become the Emperor. It was intriguing to see his manipulations at work throughout the movie. And speaking of the Senate, we get to see Terence Stamp as the Chancellor, and I've got to know: what kind of lunatics would elect General Zod as their Chancellor? He's General Zod, for crying out loud! Can't they see the danger?!
TEAL'C: True. And I found it rather amusing to see three E.T.s, from the film "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" represented on the Senate...
GARIBALDI: Amidala was another high point. A strong, intelligent, determined female lead...you don't see that very often. But what was the deal with those "grappling guns" they used. What, is she suddenly Batman? Is Jerry Lewis going to poke his head out a window as they go by?
PICARD: The list of good elements goes on and on. And yet, despite everything going for this movie, some people just can't stand it. Personally, I can't help but assume that some of them bought into the hype surrounding it, and were disappointed when it didn't measure up to that hype--as if anything could.
TEAL'C: I think that they've invested so much time and worship to the first trilogy that they were expecting nothing less than a spiritual experience from "Episode 1"--only to discover it was just a movie. As were the first three, when all is said and done.
GARIBALDI: I think they're just whiners. And all those complaints about the film being nothing but an excuse for a merchandising bonanza? Please!
PICARD: You said it, Michael. Now be quiet while I enjoy this cold, crisp Mountain Dew in the special Darth Maul collector's can, order out some Pizza Hut pizza, and watch the fifty-seventh QVC "Star Wars Collectibles" special of the week...(turns toward the camera) But before I do any of that, I'll just say that you won't go wrong with this film, folks. Four and a half BIG stars from me. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it four stars. The death of that creature Jar Jar would have elevated its rating signifigantly, but we can't have everything. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: Five stars from me, folks! Go see it! Now!
PICARD: So, until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...
PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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