Three Bald Guys Review...
The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition
(Music plays, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their usual seats
in the theater balcony.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: Today we will be reviewing the second installment of the "Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition": "The Empire Strikes Back". The story, of course, continues the adventures of the heroes Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and the droids Artoo and Threepio, as they continue their efforts against the evil Galactic Empire.
GARIBALDI: And pretty much get stomped on by the bad guys.
TEAL'C: Indeed. After being driven from their base on the frozen world of Hoth, the heroes are separated, with Han, Leia, Chewbacca and Threepio fleeing the Empire's forces, while Luke and Artoo head to the swamp world of Dagobah, where Luke begins his Jedi training under the wizened creature Yoda.
GARIBALDI: Who, of course, is the spiritual cousin of Grover from "Sesame Street".
PICARD: (affecting a Yoda/Grover voice) Use the force, Snuffleupagus...Let go...
GARIBALDI: Hey, speaking of Muppets, I heard that the folks at ILM digitally inserted Kermit the Frog into a few shots on Dagobah. But that Miss Piggy cameo, where she topples an AT-AT on Hoth with a karate chop...? That was just completely pointless. I'm glad they cut that from the video release.
TEAL'C: (raises an eyebrow at GARIBALDI) But the film goes beyond Muppets. New emotions come to the surface between characters, and secrets are revealed. The most important of which is...
TEAL'C, PICARD, and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Darth Vader is a BALD GUY!
TEAL'C: This simple fact elevates "The Empire Strikes Back" signifigantly, and perhaps explains why the original version of the film is regarded by many as the best of the "Star Wars" trilogy. But the question is: how does the "enhanced" version hold up to the original? Well, as with the other films of the Special Edition trilogy, the new additions range from the good to the bad to the utterly pointless. Among the good additions were the Cloud City sequences. I enjoyed the new look of the place, the way they opened it up, giving it a grander feel.
PICARD: No argument there; the place looked great.
TEAL'C: Among the not-so-good additions: the departure of Vader from Cloud City, shuttling up to his ship. While it was *visually* impressive, I feel it just completely broke the pacing the film's climax.
GARIBALDI: No kidding. And they eliminated one of my favorite lines of Vader's dialogue in the process! (affects a deep voice) "Bring my shuttle."
TEAL'C: Speaking of altered dialogue, that brings us to the pointless additions to the film...I just couldn't see the sense in changing certain lines, like Luke's "You're lucky you don't taste good" to Artoo on Dagobah.
GARIBALDI: And let's not forget Luke's scream as he plunges down the Cloud City shaft.
TEAL'C: Agreed. The drama of that scene was completely destroyed--before, it was Luke making a defiant stand against the dark side...now it's just...
GARIBALDI: Whiney wuss-boy?
TEAL'C: (nodding) Exactly.
PICARD: The expanded Wampa scene was interesting, too. It kind of reminded me of watching Beverly Crusher eating.
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C stare at him.)
PICARD: What? The woman's a slob! You don't know the half of it...!
GARIBALDI: Speaking of gross....In retrospect, that whole kissing scene between Luke and Leia in the Medlab...? I think I speak for everyone when I say, Eeeeewwwwww!!!!
TEAL'C: There is One thing that puzzled me about this film: as the Falcon escapes Cloud City, Admiral Piett tells Vader that they'll be within tractor beam range in moments. Moments later we see the Falcon practically skimming the Star Destroyer's hull...but they still escape.
GARIBALDI: No kidding. If that isn't tractor beam range, I don't know what is.
TEAL'C: (turning toward the camera) In the end, though, how does the film rate? Well...while the original version of "The Empire Strikes Back" is *more* than deserving of five stars, I can only give the "Special Edition" four and a half. Some of the alterations to the film were just enough to detract from its score for me. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: I give it four and a half, as well. Still a great movie, though, folks.
PICARD: I'm afraid I can only give it four. But, as Michael said, it's still a great film, worth viewing.
TEAL'C: So, until next time, I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
TEALC', GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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