Three Bald Guys Review
Return of the Jedi: The Special Edition
(Theme music fades, the lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: Today we'll be taking a gander at the third film of the "Star Wars" Trilogy Special Edition, "Return of the Jedi". The story picks up on the cliffhanger from "The Empire Strikes Back", with Han Solo still frozen in carbonite, and now a wall decoration for the vile gangster, Jabba the Hutt. His friends mount a rescue attempt, and the story kicks into high gear from there. The Empire, you see, is constructing a new Death Star, twice the size of the original, near the forest moon of Endor. Our heroes in the Rebellion have to destroy it, of course, as the story gallops toward a three-pronged climax: with Han, Leia, Chewie and the droid fighting the Empire's ground troops on Endor--
TEAL'C:--with the help of those ADORABLE little Ewoks--
GARIBALDI:--while Lando Calrissian leads the Rebel fleet against the Death Star, and Luke Skywalker, on the Death Star itself, struggles against both his father and the evil of the Emperor... Now, while the movie has its flaws--some of the acting was *extremely* wooden, for example, though you tend to ignore that the more often you view it--I enjoyed it. The story worked well, the special effects were dazzling, and the music, as always, great.
PICARD: Since you brought up the music, Michael, could someone explain to me why they had to insert that new song-and-dance number into the Jabba's palace scene? The original version, with that "Lapti Nek" song, was much better. (PICARD starts dancing in his seat, singing) Laaaaaapti Nek! Lapti Nek!
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C stare at him)
GARIBALDI: You haven't been taking your medication lately, have you?
PICARD: (still dancing and grinning) Nope!
GARIBALDI: (sighing) Well, one musical change that was greatly welcome was the new celebration music at the end of the film. Gone is that irritating Ewok chant, replaced with a stately choral tune. Very nice. As was the new celebration footage they added.
TEAL'C: Agreed. Speaking of the Ewoks, I cannot help but find their victory over the stormtroopers somewhat implausible. The stormtroopers should have easily subdued them.
GARIBALDI: Yeah, it's comforting to know that if you're ever faced with a force of the galaxy's "crack" warriors, all you need is a few rocks to stop them.
TEAL'C: Another thing that has puzzled me, regarding the story: in "The Empire Strikes Back", Yoda urges Luke not to go and fight Vader, that he's not ready, that he must complete the training. Luke ignores him, of course. But in this film, when Luke returns to Yoda to finish his training as he promised, Yoda tells him there's nothing left to teach, and that Luke must now go and fight Vader. Doesn't that seem to be a bit of a contradiction?
GARIBALDI: I've wondered about that, too. When we first saw Luke at the beginning of "Jedi", I thought he *had* returned to finish his training, since he seemed to have matured and displayed new powers. But hey, I didn't write the script, so I won't try to explain it...But we did wind up getting a pretty intense battle between Vader and Luke, eh?
PICARD: (stops dancing) You've got that right, Michael. We haven't seen swordplay this impressive since the glory days of "Touche Turtle"...(starts dancing again, humming "Lapti Nek" to himself)
GARIBALDI: (shakes his head, then turns to the camera) Well, folks, in the end, I give the original version of "Return of the Jedi" four stars out of five. The "Special Edition" version has some new additions that I could just as easily have done without, but they were balanced out by the additions I really did enjoy, like the celebration scene. So, the "Special Edition" gets four stars as well. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give both versions three-and-a-half stars. The performances were a bit too stilted in places, and I've not yet seen it enough times to gloss over those incidences of bad acting. Picard?
PICARD: (stops dancing again) What? Oh, right! Uh, three-and-a-half stars from me, too.
GARIBALDI: There you have it! Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and PICARD: (in unison) PASS THE GOOBERS!
PICARD:(begins dancing again) Laaaaaapti Nek! Lapti Nek!
GARIBALDI: (whaps PICARD upside the head as the lights fade) Knock it off...
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