Three Bald Guys Review...

Three Bald Guys Review
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

With Special Guest Reviewer: Lenny, the Jolly Jaffa

(Theme music plays, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and a Jaffa who looks like a slightly older version of Teal'c sitting in their seats on the theater balcony.)

PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".

LENNY: (grins and waves into the camera) Hey, folks! I'm Lenny!

PICARD: (casting a sidelong glance at LENNY) Lenny here is sitting in for his brother Teal'c, who wasn't able to make it in for some reason...

LENNY: He's sleeping off a hangover from the kegger General Hammond threw last night. Man, if you guys only knew what happens at Stargate Command when the cameras aren't rolling!

GARIBALDI: Well, before we get into the review, tell us a little about yourself, Lenny.

LENNY: Well, I'm jolly!

PICARD: And?

LENNY: Well, like all Jaffa, I've been trained in all the deadly arts, though we each chose which skill we wished to specialize in.

GARIBALDI: And which did you specialize in?

LENNY: Interpretive dance. Hey, wanna see some?

GARIBALDI: Not particularly.

LENNY: (ignoring GARIBALDI and jumping to his feet with a grin) Great! I call this piece, "Blossoming Rose Being Picked By An Incontinent Nun"...

(LENNY prances about and contorts his body for a few minutes, then sits down.)

PICARD: (a bit pale) That was...uh... (turns to GARIBALDI) What would you call that, Michael?

(GARIBALDI can only stare ahead, slack-eyed with shock.)

PICARD: (muttering to himself) We haven't seen anything that traumatic since Chachi accidently burned down Arnold's drive-in on "Happy Days"... (speaking louder) Well, perhaps we should move onto the review.

GARIBALDI: Hurry.

PICARD: Yes, quite. (looks into the camera) Today we'll be looking at what's arguably the best "Star Trek" film of all, "The Wrath of Khan".

GARIBALDI: (regaining his composure a bit) There's no argument about it, J.L. This one's got it all: action, adventure, emotion, Mr. Roarke...what more do you want?

PICARD: The story involves the return of Khan, who's escaped the planet on which James Kirk imprisoned him, way back in an episode of the original series. With his group of genetically-enhanced followers, he commandeers the U.S.S. Reliant and sets off on a quest of revenge against Kirk. Kirk and crew, meanwhile, are overseeing a training mission, with the Enterprise mainly crewed by cadets. But their training mission turns real when trouble arises at the Regula-1 space station--as Khan seeks to get his hands on the Genesis Device being developed there.

LENNY: Genesis?! With Phil Collins? I love their music! (starts singing) "She seems to have an Invisible Touch--"

GARIBALDI: (grinding his teeth and turning to PICARD) Hurry.

PICARD: The Genesis Device can almost instantly restructure matter on a molecular level, allowing the creation of life where there was only barren rock. But in the wrong hands, it can become a terrible weapon.

GARIBALDI: And they don't get much more wrong than Khan's.

LENNY: This Khan doesn't sound like a nice person at all...

GARIBALDI: (turns to LENNY) Did you even see the movie?

LENNY: Nope! Was I supposed to?

(GARIBALDI shakes his head with a groan.)

PICARD: At any rate, Kirk and company have a difficult fight on their hands--as they quickly learn in their first encounter with Khan, who deals them a swift and crushing blow.

GARIBALDI: And in the process, winds up killing that kid from "Escape to Witch Mountain". Though he's pretending to be an engineering cadet here--but we know the truth! The thing is, why didn't he just whip out that harmonica of his and levitate a bag of flour, and slam it into the Reliant's sensor array? He could have blinded them and saved the day!

PICARD: The conflict between Kirk and Khan continues to escalate, culminating in a tense game of cat-and-mouse in the Mutara Nebula--and not everyone escapes alive...
Now, I'm not going to split hairs here, folks. This was a great movie. Good story, acting, effects...it's all here.

GARIBALDI: Totally agree, J.L. And let's not forget the music; James Horner turns in some great stuff in this one...

LENNY: Speaking of music, anybody wanna hear my theme song?

GARIBALDI: (in a small voice) Please, no.

LENNY: (ignoring him and jumping to his feet with a grin) Great!

(Peppy showtune-type music begins playing. A half-dozen other Jaffa suddenly pop up from behind the seats, and begin rocking their hands back and forth in time to the music.)

GARIBALDI: (staring) Dear Lord in Heaven...

LENNY: (starts singing) I'm Len-ny!

JAFFA: He's Len-ny!

LENNY: I'm jol-ly!

JAFFA: By gol-ly!

LENNY: The perkiest ol' Jaffa you'll ever meet!...Killing's not for me, I'm just as happy as can be...from my cue-ball head down to my big ol' feet!
I've got this thing stuck to my forehead, and it's really gold and shiny...The chicks all seem to dig it, so I can't be all that whiny! I'm Len-ny!

JAFFA: He's Len-ny!

LENNY: I'm jol-ly!

JAFFA: He's jol-ly!

LENNY: I'm Len-ny...

LENNY and JAFFA: (in unison)...the Jolly Jaaaaaffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Music ends, and the Jaffa drop back down behind the seats.)

GARIBALDI: (turning to PICARD) Shoot me.

PICARD: You first.

(LENNY drops back into his seat with a grin.)

PICARD: (shaking himself back to his senses as he looks into the camera.) Folks, if you're still with us--

GARIBALDI: And not twitching and drooling on the floor--

PICARD: --I give "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" my highest reccomendation. Five out of five stars from me. Michael?