Three Bald Guys Review
Masters of the Universe
(Music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at an offering from the mid-eighties--the grandiosely-named film, "Masters of the Universe". Some would call this film science-fiction. Some would call it fantasy. Some would call it crap. Guess which one I am?
TEAL'C: The film, of course, is based on the popular cartoon and toyline of the same period...
GARIBALDI: Ah, yes...back in those halcyon days of yore, when most cartoons were nothing more than half-hour toy commercials...
(PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI all sigh in rememberence.)
PICARD: Be that as it may...the film opens on the world of Eternia, where the evil Skeletor and his forces have seized control of Castle Grayskull and are hunting down all opposing forces--which by all appearances only consist of three people: walking action figure He-Man, played by Dolph Lundgren; Man-at-Arms; and Teela. They soon hook up with a little gnome-type creature--played by the alliteratively named Billy Barty--who, it turns out, has built a dimensional, teleportation-type thingie.
GARIBALDI: (grinning) The ol' technobabble skills getting a little rusty, J.L?
PICARD: As I was saying-- (glares at GARIBALDI) --the gnome plans to use this teleporting "Cosmic Key" to help our heroes attack Skeletor. But things go wrong, and all of our heroes get whisked away to Earth by mistake.
TEAL'C: And of course get separated from the Key, and can't get back home without it...
GARIBALDI: Resulting in them having to search for it. And of course, wacky hi-jinks ensue.
PICARD: You see, Skeletor also seeks this Key, and dispatches some of his minions to find it and defeat He-Man. Meanwhile...the Key has actually fallen into the hands of a struggling teenage musician played by Robert Duncan McNeill. Yes, that's right--before he was touring around the Delta Quadrant as Tom Paris on "Star Trek: Voyager", he was hanging out with He-Man. Decide for yourselves whether that's a step up or a step down...
GARIBALDI: And of course, because the Key uses musical notes to teleport people, the kid HAS to be a musician. It's one of those Movie Rules...
TEAL'C: Also appearing in the film is Courtney Cox, playing McNeill's girlfriend.
PICARD: And turning in a less-than-inspiring performance, I might add. We haven't seen a performance this un-spontaneous from her since she danced with Bruce Springsteen...ANYway--these two teens team up with the other-worldly heroes to fight the forces of evil and liberate a faraway world, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Now folks, in a nutshell...don't waste your time on this one. Unless you're on some kind of medication.
TEAL'C: (shaking his head) I have to disagree, Picard. I think this film ably illustrates much grander issues than it would appear. If you study it deeply, you'll come to understand how it beautifully reflects the conflicts of man against a cold, uncaring and capricious universe; and the struggle to overcome internal and external demons...
GARIBALDI: Or maybe it just sucks.
PICARD: Preach on, brother Michael. (turns to the camera) Folks, I can only give this film one out of five stars. It's just not worth it. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Grand, dramatic storytelling in the vein of "Citizen Kane", if you're willing to look past the surface. Three-and-a-half stars from me. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: It sucks. But the chick playing Teela is cute. One-and-a-half stars from me.
PICARD: So, until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...
PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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