Three Bald Guys Review
V
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5". Today we'll be reviewing my personal favorite of the roman numerals, "V". Now, some people might prefer "I", or "X", or even, heaven help us, "L". But when it comes to ancient numerals, I'm a "V" guy all the w--ouch!"
(GARIBALDI glares at PICARD, who's just slapped him in the shoulder.)
PICARD: What Michael is trying to say is that we'll be reviewing the tele-films "V" and its sequel "V: The Final Battle".
TEAL'C: Although it technically wasn't the "final battle", since there was a short-lived series that followed afterward.
GARIBALDI: Setting that aside, however, the story basically concerns the arrival of huge alien spacecraft that settle themselves over the major cities of Earth. The aliens appear human and friendly and are initially welcomed with open arms. But gradually they begin to exert a dark influence over the world and seize control.
PICARD: You see, the aliens are actually lizard creatures in disguise, who've come to plunder the Earth's water supply and harvest humans as food.
GARIBALDI: They're bad news, folks.
PICARD: Too right. We haven't seen scaly foes this menacing since the Sleestaks on "Land of the Lost"...
TEAL'C: An underground resistance movement springs up to fight the alien menace. And one of the prime players in this reistance is former television reporter Mike Donovan--played by Marc Singer. Who is, of course, better known to everyone as...
TEAL'C, GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) The Beastmaster!
GARIBALDI: And I think you can guess the outcome from that. 'Cause really...you don't fight against the Beastmaster and win.
PICARD: Those ferrets of his are vicious.
TEAL'C: At any rate, the resistance really escalates in "V: The Final Battle" as the rebels discover a "red dust" that kills the aliens. A worldwide effort is lauched, and with the help of an alien "fifth column" movement, the villains are driven away--but not before leaving a booby-trapped ship behind that COULD DESTROY THE EARTH.
GARIBALDI: The resolution to THAT particular problem comes comPLETEly out of left field, but, y'know, it was the eighties, and you could get away with stuff like that. But if you can overlook that, it's still fun.
PICARD: And don't forget to look for Robert Englund in this, folks. Yes, the man who played Freddy Krueger of "Nightmare on Elm Street" appears in this as a bumbling alien. And of course, there's Michael Ironside, who plays a resistance fighter--not quite so bald in this as he would later become, but the potential is definitely there.
GARIBALDI: Way to go, Brother Ironside. Man, that's a cool name--Ironside. Why can't I have a name like that?
PICARD: Moving on--
GARIBALDI: You know, I think I'm going to change my name. How does "Michael Steelflank" sound?
TEAL'C: Abominable.
GARIBALDI: Okay, how about "Michael Copperback"?
PICARD: (warningly) Michael...
GARIBALDI: How about Martha Stevens?
TEAL'C and PICARD: (in unison) What?!
GARIBALDI: (smiling) Just seeing if you were paying attention...(he turns to the camera) Okay, this one's darn good, people. Suspenseful and action-packed. Three-and-a-half stars out of five from me. J.L?
PICARD: The resolution left a bit to be desired, but overall not bad. Three stars. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Quite entertaining. Three stars from me, as well.
GARIBALDI: And that'll do it for this edition of "Three Bald Guys Review...". Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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