Three Bald Guys Review
Highlander 2: The Quickening
(Theme music plays, and the lights rise on a small theater balcony. All the seats are
empty save three near the front. Seated in them are, left to right: GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: As you know, it's our goal here not only to review recent films and television, but also those older specimens that you might be able to catch on video or cable.
GARIBALDI: Or even on your local television stations on weekend afternoons--or in the middle of the night, when every other commercial seems to be for "1-900-LICK-ME".
TEAL'C: (with a pensive expression) "1-900-LICK-ME"...? I don't believe I've tried that one, yet. (pulls out a notepad and pencil, jots the number down)
(PICARD and GARIBALDI stare at him)
TEAL'C: (looking back at them with an innocent expression) What?
PICARD: (clears his throat, with a slight scowl at TEAL'C) Today we're dipping back into the vaults a bit, to review the film "Highlander 2: The Quickening".
GARIBALDI: Or, as I like to refer to it: "Highlander 2: The Sickening".
TEAL'C: (nodding) A most apt description.
PICARD: Though the first "Highlander" film--and later on, the third film and the television series--is clearly fantasy-based, "Highlander 2" strays into the realm of science-fiction. It takes place in a rather bleak future, where the ozone layer has been depleted, and the Earth is now shielded in a glowing sheath of protective energy. This shield was designed by none other than Conner MacLeod, the Highlander. MacLeod, again played by Christopher Lambert, is now an old man, but is thrust back into action when he's contacted by a "terrorist" leader played by Virginia Madsen. She believes that the ozone layer has replenished itself and the shield is no longer necessary-- and that the corporation in charge of the shield simply keeps it in place to maintain their hold over the populace.
GARIBALDI: Because basically, you can't have a GOOD corporation in a science fiction film. They HAVE to be evil.
TEAL'C: That is indeed the rule. Page 157 of the Science Fiction Scriptwriter's Guide, subsection C, paragraph 6.
PICARD: Anyway, MacLeod and the terrorist are attacked by a pair of aliens flying on hoverboard-type mechanisms, and when MacLeod attacks and beheads them, he regains his youth and immortality. Because--and this is the big revelation of the film, get ready--it turns out that MacLeod and all the other Immortals are actually ALIENS from another world.
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C shake their heads ruefully)
PICARD: Yes, you heard it right, folks. Aliens. We haven't seen a plot-shift this jarring since "Laverne & Shirley" moved to California...Anyway, MacLeod and the terrorist--along with the resurrected Immortal Ramirez, played again by Sean Connery--set out to destroy the ozone shield. Meanwhile, the leader of the evil aliens, Katana--played by Michael Ironside--comes to Earth to kill MacLeod himself.
GARIBALDI: Yes, but apparently, the film's budget wasn't big enough to include Katana's brothers Broadsword, Scimitar and Butter Knife...
PICARD: There's a big sword-fight at the end between Katana and MacLeod, lots of explosions and whatnot, and that's pretty much it. All in all, I'd have to say this was a VERY disappointing film.
GARIBALDI: Too right, J.L. I wanted to cut my OWN head off by the end of this one. I mean, by explaining the Immortals away as aliens (of all things), they completely destroyed the mystique established in the first film. The alien explanation just seems too pedestrian.
TEAL'C: (nodding) Agreed. Thankfully, when they developed the television series, they completely ignored that sad concept. The only thing even remotely enjoyable about this film was the presence of the fine actor, Sean Connery.
PICARD: Yes, he brought his usual charm to his scenes, but even he couldn't save this film.
TEAL'C: One has to wonder what could have possessed him to reprise his role...
GARIBALDI: (shrugging) He probably just needed some "spending money".
TEAL'C: One thing that puzzled me, though--in the final battle, MacLeod battles Katana with his familiar katana blade from the first film--eliciting an enjoyably glib line from Katana. But only minutes previously, MacLeod was using a completely different sword...How and where did he obtain the katana?
PICARD: You know, at that point, I really didn't even care...
GARIBALDI: (turns and smiles into the camera) Well, folks, with its clunky dialogue, lame premise and a futuristic setting that looks like the deformed stepchild of "Blade Runner", I'm afraid I can only give this film one-and-a-half out of five stars. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it one star. As they said in the first "Highlander": "There can be only one". The producers should have remembered that before making this sequel.
PICARD: I also can only give it one star--and that's simply because of Sean Connery's presence.
GARIBALDI: There you have it, folks. You might want to avoid this one, unless you've got nothing better to do. Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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