The Fifth Element
With guest reviewer:
Dr. Evil
Three Bald Guys Review...
The Fifth Element
With guest reviewer:
Dr. Evil
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and DR. EVIL sitting in the theater balcony.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
DR. EVIL: And I'm Dr. Evil of "Austin Powers". (raises his pinky finger to his lips)
GARIBALDI: The doc here is--
DR. EVIL: (holding up his hairless cat) And this is Mr. Bigglesworth!
GARIBALDI: (rolling his eyes) As I was saying, the doc here is sitting in for Picard, who's off on some galactic...thing...or something...
TEAL'C: Today we will be taking a look at the film "The Fifth Element" starring Bruce Willis. You know, Garibaldi, you kind of bear a resemblance to Mr. Willis, has anyone ever told you--
GARIBALDI: (glaring) Don't go there. Just don't.
TEAL'C: (raising his eyebrows) All right, then. Moving on, the tale concerns an "ultimate evil" that seeks to conquer the universe every five thousand years. Only by uniting the five elements--earth, air, fire, water and the mysterious "fifth element"--can the threat be repelled. And in the twenty-third century, that task falls to a New York City cab driver played by Bruce Willis.
DR. EVIL: I loved him in "Moonlighting".
TEAL'C: Yeah, and he wasn't too bad here, either.
GARIBALDI: The highlight for me, though, was the performance of Milla Jovovich as Leeloo, a genetically "perfect" woman whom Willis helps--and who, it turns out, IS the fifth element herself.
TEAL'C: Yeah...and I saw her boobies!
GARIBALDI: (shaking his head) No, you didn't.
TEAL'C: What do you mean? They were right there...
GARIBALDI: They were CGI.
TEAL'C: No!
GARIBALDI: It's true. It's all the rage in Hollywood these days. An actress can have CGI enhance her "attributes" without the health risks of plastic surgery...
TEAL'C: (shaking his head in dismay) Oh, man...
DR. EVIL: Well, *I* for one found this film completely implausible. The fifth element is not some perky young model with orange-dyed hair. The fifth element is boron.
TEAL'C: How do you know?
DR. EVIL: I'm an evil genius. We know these things. The scriptwriter must have been a frickin' idiot.
TEAL'C: Maybe, but don't you think you're being kind of harsh on--
DR. EVIL: (interrupting) Shh!
TEAL'C: But you're--
DR. EVIL: Shh!
TEAL'C: But--
DR. EVIL: Shh!
TEAL'C: You--
DR. EVIL: Shh!
TEAL'C: It's--
DR. EVIL: Shh!
TEAL'C: I--
DR. EVIL: That's it!
(DR. EVIL presses a button on his chair arm, and TEAL'C's chair tips backward, dumping TEAL'C from view with a fading scream, as a gout of flame rushes up.)
GARIBALDI: (staring) Wow. When'd they install that?
DR. EVIL: (looks into the camera) Welcome back to "TWO Bald Guys Review..." (snaps his head toward GARIBALDI) Shall we make it "ONE Bald Guy..."...?
GARIBALDI: No! No! Not at all!
DR. EVIL: Folks, though the film is highlighted by dazzling special effects and a delightfully manic performance by Chris Tucker in a supporting role, I can only give this film two stars out of five. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: Well, I quite enjoyed it, so I'm giving it thr--
(GARIBALDI breaks off as he sees DR. EVIL's finger hovering over the button on his chair.)
GARIBALDI: One star! Just one star from me! Bad! Bad movie! Bad!
DR. EVIL: So until next time, I'm Dr. Evil...
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...
DR. EVIL and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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