Three Bald Guys Review
Starship Troopers
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at "Starship Troopers", a military sci-fi endeavor. The basic idea of the film is that humankind's spaceward expansions are threatened by a race of hostile bugs, and an all-out war ensues between the two.
GARIBALDI: What J.L. is trying to say is that you get to watch a couple hours' worth of people using really big guns to blow up really big bugs. Oh, sure, I suppose you could look deeper and come up with some "learning personal responsibility, finding the hero within you" kind of crap, but really, it's about bug killing. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
TEAL'C: Particularly when one of the "bug hunters" is portrayed by one of our favorites here at "3BG"...Michael Ironside.
GARIBALDI: I *LOVE* that bald guy!
PICARD: Also appearing is Neil Patrick Harris as a telepath, sporting a rather Nazi-esque wardrobe--as do all the humans, oddly enough.
GARIBALDI: No kidding. Little Doogie Howser's grown up into Doogie Himmler.
PICARD: But the action sequences and special effects do tend to distract you from the strange wardrobe choices.
TEAL'C: Speaking of the action sequences, I've taken the liberty of bringing in a guest speaker to discuss the military accuracy of those scenes. (turns toward the back of the theater, raises his voice) Colonel O'Neill?
(O'NEILL walks through the doorway, sits down next to Teal'c. He shakes hands with PICARD and GARIBALDI.)
O'NEILL: (to PICARD) I loved you in "Dune".
PICARD: That wasn't me. It was my brother...
O'NEILL: Say, are you using those? (points to the command pips on PICARD'S collar)
PICARD: Um, no...(hands them over).
O'NEILL: (to GARIBALDI) Can I borrow your shoe?
GARIBALDI: Uh...sure. I suppose... (hands the shoe over with an odd look)
(O'NEILL begins to fiddle around with the objects.)
PICARD: So, O'Neill, what exactly are your qualifications for being our military consultant on this review?
O'NEILL: (without looking up from his work) Oh, y'know, aside from the fight against the Goa'uld, I was in all the major conflicts: Grenada, the Gulf War, Rhode Island...
GARIBALDI: Rhode Island? I don't remember hearing of any conflict there.
O'NEILL: (fixing GARIBALDI with a hard look) And you never will. Ah, finished! (holds up the contraption he's constructed from the shoe and command pips)
TEAL'C: What is it?
O'NEILL: A DVD player. Cool, huh?
PICARD: That's actually pretty impressive.
O'NEILL: Yeah, when it comes to whipping up cool things from spare parts, false modesty aside, I AM the best...
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Is that so?
(Everyone turns toward the back of the balcony to find the source of this voice...)
GARIBALDI: My God! It's the Professor from "Gilligan's Island"!
O'NEILL: Oh, sh(BLEEP)!
PROFESSOR: (walks toward them) So you're the best, eh, MacGyver? Oh, I'm sorry, it's O'Neill now, isn't it...?
O'NEILL: Hey, man, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just kidding. I'm not the best. You da man!
PROFESSOR: Let me tell you something, punk--I was whipping up contraptions while you were still wetting the bed! And all I had to work with was coconuts, palm leaves and bamboo! And I could make anything with them!
O'NEILL: I don't--
PROFESSOR: Like this! (whips out a coconut and twists the top half of it. There's a click, and blue light begins to seep out from small cracks as the coconut hums louder and louder.)
GARIBALDI: What the--?!
PROFESSOR: It's a little something I like to call the Thermonuclear Globe of Death!
O'NEILL: Whoa!
(O'NEILL dives forward over the edge of the balcony. Cackling, the PROFESSOR lobs the coconut after him. There's a boom, the picture flares white, then dissolves to static...)
(Several minutes later, the picture returns--grainy and flickering. The balcony is in ruins, with broken chairs flung about and flaming debris everywhere. One pile of rubble begins to stir, and GARIBALDI pokes his bloodied head out.)
GARIBALDI: Guys, you okay? Guys?
(PICARD crawls out from under a chair.)
PICARD: I'm here, Michael. (rubs his forehead) Man, we haven't seen an explosion like that since I went to Z'ha'dum.
GARIBALDI: You never went to Z'ha'dum, J.L. That was MY show, remember?
PICARD: Was it? I must have a concussion. I don't suppose my father dresses in black armor and tries to tempt me to the dark side of the Force, does he?
GARIBALDI: Afraid not. Teal'c? You out there?
(Another pile of rubble stirs, and TEAL'C emerges.)
TEAL'C: I am...here, Garibaldi. Luckily, my Goa'uld larva protects me from nuclear explosions.
GARIBALDI: Man, those things are useful, aren't they? Well, the show must go on...(he looks toward the camera) Folks, if you're still out there, I give "Starship Troopers" three out of five stars. Exciting action-adventure stuff. J.L.?
PICARD: I can only give it one star. Just not enough to interest me there. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it two-and-a-half stars. Not bad, but could use some work.
GARIBALDI: And with that, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Bactine!
GARIBALDI: (as the picture fades) Does our insurance cover nuclear infernos...?
Return to "Three Bald Guys Review..." Menu
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page