Three Bald Guys Review
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today, we'll be taking a look at "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", the first of the big-screen adventures for James Kirk and the intrepid crew of the Enterprise.
TEAL'C: The plot concerns the arrival of a mysterious, vast, and seemingly unstoppable machine-entity known as VGER, who is heading toward Earth in an effort to locate and communicate with its creator.
PICARD: If this plot sounds familiar, it's because they used something similar in an episode of the series years before--you know, the one with that floating robot thing, Nomad.
TEAL'C: Kirk and company are sent out to intercept VGER aboard the refitted Enterprise. Joining them are newcomers--
GARIBALDI:--a.k.a. "red shirts"--
TEALC:--Commander Will Decker and the gleamingly bald Lt. Ilia. And one can see the Decker/Ilia relationship as the inspiration for the later Riker/Troi relationship on "The Next Generation"...
PICARD: But hey, why tell you, when we can *show* you? I brought a clip...
GARIBALDI: A clip? We don't show clips here...We don't have the equipment for that.
PICARD: (whips out a remote control) We do now. I came in over the weekend and tinkered around a bit.
GARIBALDI: "Tinkered around"? You can't even program your VCR clock! It just keeps flashing "Stardate 5387.1" over and over...
PICARD: Relax, it's under control. (he turns to the camera) Folks, this scene involves the reunion of Decker and Ilia, who were involved with each other years prior, but haven't seen each other in quite some time...
(PICARD hits a button on his remote, and...)
TEAL'C: No kidding!
PICARD: (fiddles with the remote) Hold on, this should do it...
(PICARD hits the remote again...)
(PICARD continues to fiddle with the remote. GARIBALDI shakes his head.)
GARIBALDI: Give it up, man.
PICARD: No, wait!
(PICARD hits another button, and suddenly sparks rain down from the ceiling and a piece of equipment crashes down on TEAL'C's head. GARIBALDI tries to revive the unconscious Jaffa.)
GARIBALDI: Teal'c? You okay? Teal'c?
(TEAL'C opens his eyes, stares at GARIBALDI with a loopy grin.)
GARIBALDI: You okay, man?
TEAL'C: (still grinning) I like pancakes...
GARIBALDI: (scowling at PICARD) Nice going, Mr. Fix-it!
PICARD: He'll...he'll be fine. Let's just finish the review, eh?
(GARIBALDI casts an uncertain glance at TEAL'C, then turns back to the camera.)
GARIBALDI: Folks, this film just plods along. It clocks in at around two hours and twelve minutes, aprroximately forty-five minutes of which is spent on our first view of the Enterprise in the spacedock. Or at least, it seems that way.
PICARD: Agreed. We haven't seen a pace this glacial since Mork zapped Fonzie with a "slow-motion ray" on "Happy Days"...
GARIBALDI: The film's got decent special effects...uh...(he glances at TEAL'C, who's grinning at him)...but the performances and the story just aren't that...(he turns to face TEAL'C.) Okay, what are you staring at?
TEAL'C: (grinning) You're a monkey.
GARIBALDI: (to PICARD) I blame you for this...
TEAL'C: I like monkeys. So I'm going to sing you a song, monkey!
(TEAL'C pulls a guitar out from behind his seat, strums it.)
TEAL'C: Ooooooooooooooooooooh--sing it with me, monkey! Oooooooooooohhhh--
GARIBALDI: I think not.
TEAL'C: --ooooooooooooh, there's a cow in the airlock; how'd he get in there?
There's a cow in the airlock; I ain't got no hair!
The piggies and the chickens ate the hydroponics baaaaaaaaaaare!
So we're all gonna die, but nobody really cares!
(TEAL'C strums the guitar a final time, then looks to GARIBALDI and PICARD, who are staring at him.)
TEAL'C: Huh? Huh?
GARIBALDI: (to PICARD) Thanks, Bob Vila...
TEAL'C: (smiling into the camera) Folks, that song's from my new album, "Songs of the Hillbilly Spacer"--available at fine record stores near you.
(GARIBALDI shakes his head, rolls his eyes.)
GARIBALDI: At any rate, folks, I can only give "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" two out of five stars. There just isn't enough pay-off for me in this one. J.L.?
PICARD: I give it two-and-a-half. It could have been worse. Somehow.
TEAL'C: I give it twenty stars! And a pack of smokes!
GARIBALDI: Uh, yeah. Okay. Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
(TEAL'C sits there, silently grinning. GARIBALDI and PICARD shrug.)
GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
TEAL'C: Gimme socks!
GARIBALDI: (shaking his head) I don't get paid enough for this...
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