Titan A.E.
Special guest reviewer: Zhaan, of Farscape
Three Bald Guys Review
Titan A.E.
Special guest reviewer: Zhaan, of Farscape
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and ZHAAN sitting in the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
ZHAAN: And I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan of "Farscape". (she bows her head)
PICARD: Zhaan is sitting in for Teal'c, who's still on tour promoting his album, "Songs of the Hillbilly Spacer".
GARIBALDI: (shaking his head) That thing's already gone triple platinum. Who'da thunk it?
PICARD: Hey, I bought a copy...
(GARIBALDI takes ZHAAN's hand.)
GARIBALDI: But if we're going to have a substitution, may I say we couldn't ask for a lovelier one?
ZHAAN: Well...thank you.
GARIBALDI: I mean it. You truly grace us with your radiant presence...
PICARD: (staring at GARIBALDI and shaking his head) Michael, what are you doing?
GARIBALDI: What's it look like? I'm workin' it.
PICARD: You're married.
GARIBALDI: So?
PICARD: She's a plant.
GARIBALDI: So? I'll become a vegetarian. IF you know what I mean--and I think you do. (he throws an arm around ZHAAN) So, what do you say, babe? You...me...a bottle of thousand island dressing? Huh? Huh?
ZHAAN: I say...that I know a hundred and fifty ways to kill a man with just a mascara brush...
(GARIBALDI stares at her a moment, then takes his arm away and turns back to the camera with a smile.)
GARIBALDI: Right! Moving along...
(PICARD smirks at GARIBALDI's discomfort) PICARD: Indeed. (he turns to the camera) Today, we'll be taking a look at the latest offering from Fox Studios, the animated adventure "Titan A.E."
GARIBALDI: The "A.E." of course standing for "After Earth".
PICARD: The story begins in the year 3028, when humanity is hurriedly evacuating the planet Earth. Alien creatures called the Drej have arrived, and they aren't playing around. In fact, they're actually a tad hostile.
ZHAAN: Just a bit.
GARIBALDI: A smidge.
PICARD: Enter a young boy named Cale, whose father has constructed a ship called the Titan, which is touted as humanity's last hope.
GARIBALDI: Cale isn't sure what's going on, knowing only that he's being separated from his father, who entrusts him with a golden ring before heading off to the Titan--while Cale is sent off with the rest of the evacuation fleet. They escape the planet mere moments before the Drej mothership unleashes a massive energy beam that destroys the Earth. The last Cale sees of his father is the sight of the Titan streaking off into the cosmos.
ZHAAN: The story then shifts fifteen years into the future. We find Cale as a young man, working at an alien-run mining facility, in a galaxy where humanity has now been relegated to third-rate status. Cale himself is rather disdainful of his fellow humans, referring to them as "drifter colony bums" doomed to extinction. But things change when he meets a man named Corso, an old warhorse type who knew Cale's father. Corso reveals that the ring Cale was given is actually the key to a genetic map--a map to the location of the Titan. And when the Drej show up again, hunting for Cale, he decides to throw his lot in with Corso and his crew.
PICARD: This crew includes the tough and capable young woman Akima; Preed, Corso's right-hand man...er, alien; Stith, a weapons officer with some definite anger issues; and my personal favorite character, Gune--an eccentric inventor-type. Together they must race against the Drej to locate the Titan and unlock its secrets...
GARIBALDI: Folks, in a word, this film is just plain FUN. You've got a pretty good sci-fi story holding things together, and while I was initially skeptical about having computer animation blended with traditional cel animation, they manage to pull it off pretty well. In fact, some of the visuals in this film are flat-out stunning.
PICARD: The sequence in the Ice Rings of Tigrin was certainly a knock-out.
ZHAAN: I'm rather fond of the scene in the nebula, where the ship is chased along by "wake angels"--manta ray-like creatures that follow in a ship's wake, like dolphins...
PICARD: And let's not forget those Drej. Nasty bunch. Though it would have been nice to know more about their motivations, it doesn't really detract from the film.
GARIBALDI: And they actually suceeded in blowing up the Earth! Points for that. Marvin the Martian must be jealous as all get-out...
PICARD: We haven't seen villainy like this since the Legion of Doom. Quite frankly, I'd rank them right up there with the Borg.
GARIBALDI: Or the Shadows...
ZHAAN: Or Gallagher...
GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Gallagher?
(ZHAAN nods)
PICARD: Gallagher...the comedian?
ZHAAN: (scornfully) There's nothing funny about murder! When he takes that mallet to those poor, defenseless watermelons, I can hear them SCREAMING!
(GARIBALDI and PICARD stare at her.)
ZHAAN: And as a person of vegetable persuasion myself, I cannot--WILL NOT--allow such villainy to persist. (she begins to get worked up, as she stares into the camera) You hear me, Gallagher?! Your days are numbered! (she jumps up and shoves her face angrily into the camera) You're gonna find out what it's like when the plants fight back, buddy!!! I'M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF LIKE A FREAKIN'--
(ZHAAN falls silent, puts a hand to her head, looking a bit dazed. She slumps back into her seat. After a moment, she looks at PICARD and GARIBALDI.)
ZHAAN: I...I'm sorry, gentlemen. I don't know what came over me...
GARIBALDI: (shrugging) Hey, homicidal impulses are par for the course around here. (he turns back to the camera) Folks, go catch this film. "Titan A.E." is well worth the time, and I'm giving it four out of five stars. J.L.?
PICARD: Three-and-a-half from me, Michael. A beautifully animated tale. Zhaan?
ZHAAN: Four stars from me, as well. (she looks coldly into the camera) And I'm coming for you, Gallagher...
GARIBALDI: And with that, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
ZHAAN: And I am Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and ZHAAN: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
ZHAAN: (quietly, as the lights fade) Excuse me, but what exactly are "Goobers"...?
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