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Three Bald Guys Review
Krull
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: And I am Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: Insurrection".
(TEAL'C and GARIBALDI stare at him.)
PICARD: What? I thought I'd try something different!
TEAL'C: (turning back to the camera) Today we will be taking a look at the 1983 film "Krull"--which seems to be a mixture of "Star Wars" and the role-playing game "Dungeons & Dragons". And, surprisingly, achieves this goal rather decently.
In the story, a villain called The Beast--who travels around space in a giant, mountain-like fortress--has come to ravage the planet Krull. Against him are Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa, whose imminent marriage will unite their rival nations and allow them to mount a resistance to The Beast. But the Beast's minions--the Slayers--attack the ceremony, spiriting Lyssa away to their master. Colwyn is left for dead, but found by wise man Ynyr, who tells him that the only way to defeat the Beast is with the help of the Glaive--a legendary weapon.
PICARD: It's shaped kind of like a starfish, with a blade on each tip. It whirls through the air really quickly.
GARIBALDI: How Colwyn catches that thing in mid-air without slicing his hand off is beyond me...
TEAL'C: Colwyn and Ynyr set off on their quest to rescue the princess and stop the villain--and are joined along the way by a motley group of bandits, a cyclops, a bumbling magician--
GARIBALDI: --a cleric, a tenth-level sorcerer, a half-elven archer, a dwarven warrior with magic armor--
(TEAL'C raises an eyebrow at GARIBALIDI)
GARIBALDI: All right...just kidding...
PICARD: Still, you've got to admit that we haven't seen a group this formulaic since the "Dungeons & Dragons" cartoon.
GARIBALDI: Wasn't that a nifty show? Hey, remember the one where they found the dragons' graveyard?
PICARD: And all the magic weapons were there?
GARIBALDI: Yeah!
PICARD: Or what about the one where Uni--
(PICARD and GARIBALDI fall silent, noticing TEAL'C scowling at them.)
TEAL'C: May we continue...? (he turns back to the camera) The cast of "Krull" does a fine job. Colwyn is portrayed with aplomb by Ken Marshall--
GARIBALDI: Correction--portrayed by Ken Marshall and his big 80's hairdo. You've got to give that hair some credit; it had presence, man.
PICARD: Not anymore. Marshall showed up on "Deep Space Nine" a few years back--and he looks like he's in our fraternity, now. Lots more scalp showing, there...
GARIBALDI: Hey, we just get the best ones, don't we? (he looks into the camera) Ken, give us a call, man. We'll hook you up as a guest reviewer.
TEAL'C: (sighing, and shaking his head) The rest of the cast does well, too. Lysette Anthony as Lyssa...that British guy playing what's-his-name...that other British guy...But the *real* standout performer here is Liam Neeson, in one of his earliest roles.
GARIBALDI: That's right, folks. Long before he was fighting Darth Maul and arguing with Muppets, he was a womanizing mercenary on the world of Krull. And frankly, I think this is his best performance ever. Forget "Schindler's List", forget "Phantom Menace" and "Rob Roy"--this is the one. Do they award retroactive Oscars? 'Cause if they do, somebody'd better be giving Neeson a call.
PICARD: The big highlight of this film, for me, anyway, is James Horner's soundtrack. Big and adventerous, it's always been one of my favorites of his. Of course, careful listeners will notice that there are a few moments here and there in the soundtrack which seem to be identical to some of Horner's earlier "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" music. These moments, though, are brief and scattered--and since his "Wrath of Khan" music was so good, I suppose I can forgive him if he rips off his own work.
TEAL'C: He wasn't ripping it off. He was "sampling".
PICARD: Oh?
TEAL'C: Like the Earth musicians Snoop Puffy Dogg, or M.C. Coolio Daddy.
GARIBALDI: Wow, you're really up on this new music, Teal'c...
TEAL'C: I am the master of funk. But getting back to the film...I must say that while it is not exactly "grand cinema", it is a fun romp through an interesting landscape. Three out of five stars from me. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: I'll give it two-and-a-half. J.L.?
PICARD: Three from me, as well. Mainly on the strength of the music.
TEAL'C: And that will do it. Until next time, I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
TEAL'C, GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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