Three Bald Guys Review...

Three Bald Guys Review
The Mummy Returns

(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)

PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".

GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".

PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at "The Mummy Returns"--which technically isn't science fiction, but...so what.

TEAL'C: This is, of course, a sequel to the 1999 hit "The Mummy".

PICARD: As the story begins, we learn that five thousand years ago, a warrior called the Scorpion King made a dark bargain with the god Anubis: in exchange for his soul, he was granted an army of magical warriors to help him take over the world. When the conquest was over the army went back from whence it came, and the Scorpion King was enslaved to Anubis.

GARIBALDI: What a rip.

PICARD: Fast-forward to 1933, where we find our heroes, Rick O'Connell and his wife Evelyn--along with their precocious eight-year-old son Alex--on a dig in Egypt. When they discover a magical bracelet--and Alex inadvertently puts it on--a chain of events is set in motion; for the bracelet is a guide to the temple of the Scorpion King, who will soon reawaken and again lead his army to swarm over the earth.

TEAL'C: However, whoever can defeat the Scorpion King in single combat when he awakens will himself gain control over the army--and can use them to conquer the world, *or* can send them back to the underworld.

GARIBALDI: Which is where the mummy comes in. See, a group of nasties--including a familiar face from the first film--retrieve and revive the mummy Imhotep, with the expectation that he'll be powerful enough to kill the Scorpion King and lead the army. When they kidnap young Alex to lead them to the temple, our heroes rush to the rescue, and mayhem ensues.

PICARD: Now, if you're looking for a film with deep social commentary or intricate character studies, don't look here. This is unabashedly a popcorn movie, through and through. A fun adventure, filled with epic battles, legions of jackal-headed warriors, double-decker bus chases...And really, can you go wrong with a horde of rampaging pygmy mummies?

GARIBALDI: Hell, no!

PICARD: Exactly. You can, however, go wrong with the Scorpion King.

TEAL'C: Horribly, horribly wrong.

PICARD: You see--when the Scorpion King turns up in the film's climax, he's computer-generated. Which isn't a problem with mummies and other monsters and such--we're suspending our disbelief in those cases, so the CGI isn't an issue. But the Scorpion King...well, I guess the technology can't generate a completely believable human face, so the end result is a bit...cartoony.

GARIBALDI: Pulled me right out of the story. I just can't take a villain seriously if he looks like a reject from "Reboot" or "Toy Story"...

PICARD: Aside from this, the special effects are impressive. And I enjoyed the performances: Brendan Fraser as Rick O'Connell; Arnold Vosloo as Imhotep--

GARIBALDI: Who I was rooting for, to be honest. 'Cause really, if some guy's gonna take over the world, I figure it might as well be a bald guy. Am I right?

TEAL'C: And let us not forget the performance of Rachel Weisz as Evelyn. For I am deeply, deeply in lust with Rachel Weisz.

GARIBALDI: Two words describe her, my friend: Yum-my.

TEAL'C: Got that right. (he taps his fist against GARIBALDI'S)

PICARD: (rolling his eyes) Will you two grow up?

GARIBALDI: No.

PICARD: You're married, Michael.

GARIBALDI: Your point being...?

PICARD: (shaking his head) Anyway, aside from the Scorpion King, my only other quibble was with the time discrepancy. See, I went back and watched "The Mummy" again in preparation for the sequel. In that film, we first meet Rick O'Connell in 1923. The rest of that film takes place three years later--which would make it 1926. "The Mummy Returns" is set in 1933--seven years later. But Rick and Evie's son is *eight* years old. So somehow this kid was born a year before his parents even met! As the kids are saying--whassup wit' dat? We haven't seen continuity this warped since "Crusade"...

TEAL'C: Your point being...?

PICARD: That...I'm completely anal retentive and desperately need a hobby?

GARIBALDI: *Bing*! We have a winner!

TEAL'C: One difficulty *I* had was the idea of O'Connell being some sort of "holy warrior", unbeknownst even to himself. I think the character works better as a rogue adventurer; having him suddenly "fated" to save the world was kind of bland.

PICARD: Minor complaints aside, though, I really enjoyed this movie. Accept it for what it is, and you'll have fun. I give it four stars out of five. Teal'c?

TEAL'C: Five stars from me. Garibaldi?

GARIBALDI: I'll give it four stars.

PICARD: And that'll do it for this edition. Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...

TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...

GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...

PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!

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