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Three Bald Guys Review
Jurassic Park III
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at "Jurassic Park 3"--the latest in this dinosaur franchise. And, having seen three of these films now, I can sum up the entire "Jurassic Park" experience in two words: child endangerment.
GARIBALDI: Nothing says "family fun" like children being stalked by carnivorous dinosaurs.
TEAL'C: (sighing wistfully) Reminds me of my days growing up on Chulak...
PICARD: The child in this case winds up stranded on the island due to a para-sailing accident. Later, a wealthy couple hires Dr. Grant--portrayed again by Sam Neill from the first "Jurassic Park"--and Grant's protege Billy to guide them on an airplane tour of the island. But they do so under misleading circumstances--for they're actually the missing boy's parents and have come here to search for him. They land on the island against Grant's objections and, believe it or not...*they* wind up stranded on the island, too.
TEAL'C: I didn't see that coming...
GARIBALDI: The story then becomes, "Get off the island as fast as possible."
TEAL'C: Which is kind of ho-hum at this point. If they're going to do "Jurassic Park IV", I hope they come up with some new twists to the idea.
PICARD: You know what I think they should do for the fourth movie? I think it should be a combination of "Jurassic Park" and "Armageddon". You know, like, "Jurassic Armageddon" or something? And there's *another* asteroid heading our way, but Bruce Willis's character is dead, so he can't stop it...and it's going to slam right into the "Jurassic Park" island and kill all the dinosaurs...I mean, it worked sixty-five million years ago, right?
TEAL'C: That's true...
GARIBALDI: Actually, it's not.
PICARD: Excuse me?
GARIBALDI: The dinosaurs weren't killed by an asteroid.
PICARD: Okay, a comet, then.
GARIBALDI: Nope.
TEAL'C: Disease?
(GARIBALDI shakes his head.)
PICARD: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what *did* kill the dinosaurs, then?
(GARIBALDI looks around conspiratorially, then leans in close.)
GARIBALDI: Ninjas.
PICARD: Ninjas.
GARIBALDI: Uh-huh.
PICARD: Killed the dinosaurs.
GARIBALDI: Yep.
(PICARD and TEAL'C exchange a glance.)
PICARD: (to GARIBALDI) You've been drinking again, haven't you?
GARIBLADI: Of course not!
PICARD: (shaking his head) Ninjas killed the dinosaurs...I haven't heard a theory that ridiculous since...since...
TEAL'C: Since Garibaldi said that crop circles were created by Bigfoot?
PICARD: Exactly.
GARIBALDI: Hey, the jury's still out on that one! Why else do you think you never see them getting made?
PICARD: (sighing) Anyway, back to "Jurassic Park 3"...The plot's a bit formulaic, true, but it does have its moments. The big rescue at the end, in particular, is grin-worthy.
TEAL'C: I found the final confrontation with the velociraptors rather anticlimactic, though. Not to ruin it for anyone...but since the film-makers kind of ruined it anyway...: Dr. Grant "talks" to the velociraptors in their own language by blowing air through a molded replica of their vocal chamber--or something. And manages to say just the right thing...Contrived doesn't begin to cover it.
GARIBALDI: True...I mean, what if he'd accidentally busted out with a mating call? The movie would've lost that PG-13 rating SO fast...
PICARD: All that aside, it's still a decent movie, if not outstanding. The performances are adequate to the task--although Tea Leoni is a bit too shrill at times for my tastes. And the special effects are impressive...I give it two-and-a-half out of five stars. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Two stars from me. The plot was a little too weak for me. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: I give it three stars, just because the dinosaurs look cool...
PICARD: And that'll do it. Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi, saying...
PICARD, TEAL'C and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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