Smallville
With Special Guest Reviewer:
Pilot
Pilot
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PILOT: And I am Pilot, of "Farscape". Greetings.
PICARD: Um...Michael? What's the deal here? (he gestures at PILOT)
GARIBALDI: Oh, my transport broke down on the way in today. Pilot here gave me a lift. I said it was okay if he joined us.
PILOT: Moya and I are big fans.
TEAL'C: (whispering to PICARD) He's a giant talking mushroom! Have you ever seen the like?
PICARD: (whispering) Not since college.
TEAL'C: What?
PICARD: Never mind.
GARIBALDI: Today we'll be taking a look at the latest version of the Superman mythos, "Smallville". The tale begins in 1989, when the sleepy little farm town of Smallville is bombarded by meteors, bringing everyone's favorite Kryptonian infant to Earth. Fast forward to the present, where teenage Clark Kent spends the bulk of his time coming to grips with his emerging super-powers, pining after the lovely Lana Lang, and fighting various and sundry "villain-of-the-week" types.
TEAL'C: Indeed, for the kryptonite that the meteor storm scattered over the area has resulted in numerous mutations among the populace, of an "X-Files" variety: one man becomes pyrokinetic, one boy develops insect-like attributes, a girl becomes a "vampire" who sucks the fat out of people--
PILOT: We haven't seen sucking like that since Monica Lewin--
PICARD: Hey, hey! That's my gag, mister!
PILOT: Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to frell things up.
TEAL'C: "Frell"? What is "frell"?
PICARD: (looking uncomfortable) Well...it's like "frak" on "Battlestar Galactica".
GARIBALDI: Yeah. Or "frag" on "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: Oh! You mean f(BLEEP)!
(GARIBALDI buries his face in his hands.)
TEAL'C: What? It doesn't mean f(BLEEP)?
PICARD: I think you just got us cancelled.
GARIBALDI: (turning back to the camera) Assuming we're still on the air....Clark is joined in his adventures by Chloe, the school newspaper's spunky girl reporter--
PILOT: Because girl reporters are required to be spunky--
GARIBALDI: --Pete Ross, a photograper and Clark's best friend; the aforementioned Lana Lang; and his parents, Martha and Jonathan, played by Annette O'Toole and John Schneider.
PICARD: That's right. Clark's being raised by one of the Duke boys. I'm still waiting for the episode when Clark and Pete take the old General Lee out and start jumping creeks...
TEAL'C: That would be awesome.
GARIBALDI: But the absolute highlight of the show--and I'm not saying this just because he's a bald guy--is Lex Luthor, played by Michael Rosenbaum. In this series, Lex is running the local fertilizer plant; when Clark rescues him from a car accident, Lex befriends him. This Lex isn't the purely evil villain of old; he can be ruthless when he has to, but for the most part he seems to act out of genuinely good intentions. We know he's heading for bad things in the future, but the way he's portrayed, we don't *want* to see him end up that way.
PILOT: Definitely the best part of the show. Even the DRDs like him...
GARIBALDI: Well, in the end, I give "Smallville" three out of five stars. The villains can be kind of goofy, but overall, it's not bad. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it three-and-a-half frelling stars. Picard?
PICARD: Three stars from me. Lex Luthor gets five stars. Pilot?
PILOT: I give it four stars. And Clark should forget about Lana and hook up with Chloe...
GARIBALDI: Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
PILOT: And I'm Pilot, saying...
GARIBALDI, TEAL'C, PICARD and PILOT: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
PILOT: (as the lights fade) Cool. Can I get a copy of this? I can never get my VCR programmed...
GARIBALDI: Only if you hook me up with Chiana...
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