Three Bald Guys Review
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Trailer)
(Theme music plays, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C seated
in their usual spots in the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1"
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: Though we normally only review movies and television shows on this program, today we're breaking that mold to take a look at a movie trailer, specifically the trailer for "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace". As you may know, the purpose of a trailer is to pique the interest of the audience, in the hopes that they will view the film when it comes out. So...does the "Episode I" trailer succeed in this?
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (jumping to their feet and speaking in unison) HELL, YEAH!!!!!
(They begin bumping their chests together, whooping it up. PICARD begins ripping chairs out of the floor and throwing them around in his excitement. TEAL'C grabs his fighting staff from under the seats and starts firing around him like a drunken hillbilly.)
GARIBALDI: (shoving his face into the camera) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! "Episode I"! Spring, 1999!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(The screen then goes black, with the message "Please stand by" appearing. Nearly a minute later, the picture resumes. PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C are sitting calmly in their seats again. Around them, chairs and upholstery are ripped up, with gaping craters blasted in the walls from TEAL'C's staff.)
PICARD: (speaking rather calmly into the camera) Now, then. As I was saying, this trailer does indeed inspire its viewers. We get glimpses of the action and adventure to come, which are more than enough to whet my appetite.
TEAL'C: (nodding) I agree. There's just enough to intrigue me. And, unlike some others who feel the need to surf the Internet and pick up every "scoop" or rumor about the movie's plot and script that they can find, I prefer to wait and enjoy the movie when it comes out, without being spoiled beforehand.
GARIBALDI: Too right, there, Teal'c. Even if those "news" sites have accurate information, it'd be like reading the Cliff's Notes of the script--and where's the fun in that?
PICARD: Damn straight. At any rate, we're also given glimpses of a younger Yoda, as well as Obi-Wan, portrayed by Ewan McGregor. We see Jake Lloyd as young Anakin--
GARIBALDI: --who thankfully spends no screen time whining about wanting a "TurboMan" doll--
PICARD: --and we also view Liam Neeson in action as a Jedi Knight. Some viewers may remember Neeson from an obscure little movie he did a few years back called "Schindler's List"; but to millions of fans worldwide he'll always be best known for his supporting role in the 1983 mega-blockbuster smash hit "Krull".
TEAL'C: Now that was a great movie.
PICARD: True, but that's a review for another time, my friend. The trailer also gives us a look at Natalie Portman as the young queen--
GARIBALDI: --looking as pale as a corpse; somebody get that girl to a sunlamp, stat!
PICARD: Indeed. More signifigantly, we get to see Samuel L. Jackson. Signifigant because he's portaying a BALD Jedi Knight. And as we always say...
PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) You can't go wrong with a bald guy!
GARIBALDI: Not to brag or anything, but I'm actually the one responsible for that.
TEAL'C: (raising an eyebrow) Is that so?
GARIBALDI: (nodding) See, I was having lunch with Lucas--'cause, you know, George and I hang out a lot--and he was telling me how worried he was that "Episode I" was just going to be a complete flop. He hadn't directed in twenty years, nobody would be interested in seeing it, on and on... I swear, the guy was practically in tears. So I said to him, I said, "George, ol' buddy"--'cause, you know, we're pals--I said, "If you want this thing to succeed just have Samuel Jackson shave his head. Do it, and the box office'll go through the roof." (he leans back with a contented look) The rest is history, my friends.
TEAL'C: You are a true visionary, my friend.
PICARD: Mention must also be made of the spectacular visual effects on display in the trailer, including completely computer-generated characters, space battles and an army of battle-droids. The battle droids were particularly notable; we haven't seen robots this freaky since Daggit on "Battlestar Galactica".
GARIBALDI: (shaking his head) Man, that robo-dog creeped me out.
PICARD: As a side note, we've heard mention that when the trailer first appeared, some movie patrons went specifically to see IT, and walked out afterward, without even bothering to stay and watch the movie they'd bought tickets for. Which is just plain ridiculous.
GARIBALDI: You've got that right. Those theaters shouldn't have been showing anything BUT the "Episode I" trailer. Like anyone's going to care about watching another film after seeing that preview. Duh...! They should've just been showing the trailer over and over again and raking in the cash...
PICARD: (turning to smile into the camera) At any rate, I give this trailer my highest possible recommendation. Five out of five stars from me, folks.
TEAL'C: I give it five stars as well. Seek this one out, ladies and gentlemen.
GARIBALDI: Well, I'm giving this one an unprecedented SIX out of five stars. Do NOT miss it. So, for all of us here, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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