Three Bald Guys Review
Stargate
(Theme music plays, and the lights rise to reveal a small theater balcony. Only three
seats are occupied, by (left to right): GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: Today, we'll be taking a look at the 1994 film, "Stargate". This film presents the first Stargate adventure of my "SG-1" colleagues, Colonel Jack O'Neill and Dr. Daniel Jackson.
GARIBALDI: Although they look rather different here than they do on "SG-1"...
TEAL'C: I did ask O'Neill and Jackson about that, but they were strangely reluctant to explain the difference in their appearance to me...
PICARD: That's too bad. Because I'd swear O'Neill looks just like Kurt Russell here...
TEAL'C: I thought so, as well. O'Neill *did* mutter something to me about having gone through a "Snake Plisskin" phase a few years ago, so that may explain it... At any rate...(turns back toward the camera) The film begins in 1928, with the discovery of the Stargate in Egypt--then shifts forward to 1994, where we find Dr. Daniel Jackson being recruited by the team studying the gate. With his help, the gate is activated, and Jackson, along with Colonel O'Neill and a team of soldiers--
GARIBALDI: --including one who bears an UNCANNY resemblance to French Stewart of "Third Rock From The Sun"--
TEAL'C: --go through the gate. On the other side, they discover a city of humans, and learn that these people's ancestors were brought there from Earth by the so-called god, Ra--an alien in human guise who uses the people as slave labor. As Jackson and O'Neill struggle to find a way to return through the Stargate back to Earth, Ra himself arrives in his spacecraft and Jackson, O'Neill and the others are swept up in a rebellion against this false god...
GARIBALDI: (leaning in toward PICARD and speaking quietly) Ten credits says he liked this movie...
TEAL'C: (with a scowl at GARIBALDI) You are correct. I found the adventure intriguing, the effects outstanding, and Daniel Jackson was his usual quirky self. Though I did find O'Neill's brusque attitude a bit different than what I'm used to from him, I thought he did very well...
PICARD: You're right on that count, my friend. We haven't seen Kurt Russell turn in a performance this riveting since "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"...
TEAL'C: (shaking his head) It was NOT Kurt Russell. O'Neill simply bore a strong resemblance to him for some reason.
PICARD: (shrugging) If you say so.
GARIBALDI: (raising a hand to his mouth) *cough* *cough* Kurt Russell *cough* *cough*
PICARD: I, too, enjoyed this one. A fun romp with nice touches of humor and lots of action.
GARIBALDI: (rolling his eyes at TEAL'C and PICARD) I don't know what you guys have been smoking, but why aren't you sharing? This movie sucked! So they go through a wormhole and land on a desert planet and find a bunch of rag-clad natives. Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo! I've seen better desert photography in a Men At Work video, and the whole "natives welcome the newcomers as gods" routine has been done to DEATH...!
TEAL'C: It happens to us on "SG-1" quite a bit, actually...
PICARD: It's happened to me, as well...Maybe you're just bitter because nobody's ever regarded YOU as a god? Could that be it, Michael? Hmmm?
GARIBALDI: (sniffing haughtily) Puh-lease! But as I was saying, the only signifigant moment in this film for me was the first appearance of Ra. At that moment I realized the everyone had it wrong: the woman from "The Crying Game" wasn't actually a MAN--she was a brain-sucking alien from beyond the stars! Which puts a COMPLETELY different spin on that movie...
TEAL'C: (raising an eyebrow at GARIBALDI) An...interesting theory. (he turns to the camera) Well, I enjoyed this film. Though victory would have been achieved far faster had I been involved in the adventure, it is still a fun ride. I give "Stargate" three out of five stars.
PICARD: Three stars from me, as well...
GARIBALDI: (staring a moment at PICARD and TEAL'C) You two are both stoned out of your minds. (he turns back to the camera) This one only gets one star from me folks, and much only because it's got some cool explosions and effects. In general, though, avoid this one like the plague. For "Three Bald Guys Review...", I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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