Three Bald Guys Review
Megaforce
(Theme music plays, the lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their
usual seats on the balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean Luc-Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c, from "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at sci-fi military "epic" called "Megaforce". It stars--and I use that term VERY loosely--Barry Bostwick as the leader of a high-tech fighting force, which is called upon to help liberate a small country from one of those nasty dictator types. And who is it that calls upon this force's aid? Why, it's none other than Edward Mulhare, whom you may remember as Devon Miles from television's "Knight Rider", and Persis Khambatta, who played the bald alien woman Ilia in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture".
TEAL'C: In this film, however, she's sporting a full head of hair.
GARIBALDI: (nodding) Which was a MAJOR warning flag for trouble ahead...
PICARD: Speaking of hair, am I the only one who was actually frightened by Barry Bostwick's hairstyle in this? It was like he left his head under the dryer too long...
GARIBALDI: Too right, J.L. What were they thinking?
TEAL'C: I must admit, that while I have faced many, many dangers during my journeys through the Stargate...I almost fled the theater in terror when that hair was revealed... (he hangs his head)
GARIBALDI: (patting TEAL'C's shoulder reassuringly) It's okay, man. We all get that kind of scare now and again. "80's hair" can sometimes be a terrifying thing...
PICARD: And as if the hair wasn't bad enough...(he leans closer to the camera, his face serious) Folks, he was wearing a HEADBAND. I swear to you on a stack of William Shatner records, he was wearing a bright blue headband...
TEAL'C: (gives a fearful little grunt) Headband... (he shivers. GARIBALDI pats his shoulder.)
PICARD: At any rate, the film takes a few minutes to establish a little love connection between Bostwick and Khambatta's characters, then the Megaforce heads off on their mission. They parachute into the beleagured little county with their fleet of vehicles--composed of some vans, dune buggies and motorcyles armed with machine guns, lasers and rocket launchers, all with the same goofy paint job--and proceed to blow stuff up. They then discover that their original escape plan is out of the question, and that they've now been abandoned to their fate in this hostile country. They have to find an alternate route out, with the film culminating in a big fight against a battalion of tanks on a dried lake bed as the Megaforce tries to make their escape...Now folks, you know how some movies are so bad they're good? Well, this one is so bad, it's awful. Cheesy special effects, bad dialogue, no plot to speak of...and folks, I can't stress this enough: he was wearing a HEADBAND. I mean, my God...that says it all right there...
TEAL'C: In addition, I also had a great deal of trouble with their vehicles. In the climactic battle, this Megaforce gains the advantage of surprise over their enemies by approaching from the rear and running their vehicles on silent electric motors. We then see them moving in absolute silence--despite the fact that their vehicles are clearly seen bouncing across the terrain and crashing through brush, which, one would think, would cause SOME noise...
GARIBALDI: And what about those costumes? Goofy, shiny jumpsuits? And those "dress uniforms" were even worse...
PICARD: (nodding) We haven't seen costuming this bad since...(he frowns) You know, I don't recall that we've EVER seen costuming this bad...
TEAL'C: And what of this agency that Megaforce answers to? S.C.U.F.F. ?
GARIBALDI: I know! Could they have come up with a lamer name? S.C.U.F.F. ... a name that strikes fear into shoe-shiners everywhere...(he shakes his head) You know, movies like "Megaforce" are what happens when the studio head's five year-old son asks daddy to make a movie for him. I mean, if you're gonna waste that kind of money, just give it to ME and I'll put it to good use...
PICARD: (turning to the camera) In the end folks, it comes down to this: do you want to punish yourself? Have you downed something toxic and need to induce some vomiting in a hurry? On the basis of that medical benefit alone, I have to give "Megaforce" a half-star out of five stars. Michael? (turns toward GARIBALDI)
GARIBALDI: I think you're being far too generous with this one, J.L. I give it zero stars.
TEAL'C: If it were possible, I would give this one a negative score. But since it's not, I concur with Garibaldi. Zero stars from me.
PICARD: (smiling into the camera) And there you have it, folks! Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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