Three Bald Guys Review
The Matrix
(Theme music plays, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their
usual seats on the theater balcony.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: (staring straight into the camera) Pop quiz, hotshot. After starring in clunkers like "Chain Reaction" and "Johnny Mnemonic", your career is going right down the toilet. What do you do? What...do...you...do?
GARIBALDI: The answer: star in a kick-butt action-adventure sci-fi flick like "The Matrix"...!
PICARD: Damn straight. The movie stars Keanu Reeves as Neo, a computer hacker who's recruited by a mysterious bald man named Morpheus, played by Lawrence Fishburne. Morpheus and his allies reveal to Neo the secrets of "The Matrix"--the "reality" that is perceived by most people. The truth behind this "reality" is wholly different, as Neo soon learns, and he's thrust into a conflict the likes of which he's never imagined. Aligned against him are villains known as Agents, who are, well, agents of the power behind the Matrix. Stalking around in suits and sunglasses, the Agents can turn up any time, anywhere there's a host body for them to occupy.
GARIBALDI: And we're not talking talk show host bodies, here, folks. Jerry Springer and his ilk are creepy enough as they are...
PICARD: Oh, I don't know about that. Ricki Lake's kinda hot...*Anyway*, I can't really say too much about the plot of "The Matrix" without ruining some of the surprises; suffice it to say, though, that the film's basic premise isn't wholly original. What matters here, though, is the execution; and on that basis, I believe "The Matrix" works quite well. The story, though a bit confusing at first, eventually brings you up to speed--
GARIBALDI: (nudging TEAL'C) Speed! Ha! Get it? 'Cause of Keanu Reeves....(TEAL'C only raises an eyebrow) Ah, forget it!
PICARD: As I was saying, once you figure out what's going on, the film moves along at a brisk clip, with lots of action and spiffy special effects. The actors turn in performances that are serviceable, at least, so overall, this wasn't a bad two hours to spend. Michael?
GARIBALDI: I totally agree with you, J.L. This movie rocked. Though it may be hazardous to some viewers--there's an extended gunfight in the film that practically blew my eardrums out. On the plus side, though, the baldness quotient on this one is THROUGH THE ROOF! Not only have we got the gleaming scalp of Morpheus, but for a time, we also see Keanu Reeves bald. There's also Cipher, one of Morpheus's crew, and even a little bald kid spouting wisdom about spoons. It's good to see 'em recruiting the younger folk like that...
PICARD: It warms the cockles of my heart. You know, I think this could actually be the film that rockets Keanu Reeves back up to his one-time "second-string star" status.
GARIBALDI: We can only dream, my friend. Hey...Remember when everyone thought he was crazy when he didn't sign on for "Speed 2"? Gotta give him credit for avoiding that one...
PICARD: (sniffs disdainfully) "Speed 2"...We haven't seen an idea that bad since Mr. Carlson dropped Thanksgiving turkeys out of a helicopter on "WKRP in Cincinnati"...
GARIBALDI: Oh, the humanity!
PICARD: (frowns, looks at TEAL'C) You've been unusually quiet over there, Teal'c. What'd you think of the film?
TEAL'C: I think...that you two have been smoking too much crack. This "film" was a huge disappointment. The plot was derivative, the characters one-dimensional, the screenplay filled with nothing but mindless action. How any sane human could tolerate it is beyond me. It's only saving grace was the baldness factor, but even that can only elevate a film so far. (shakes his head) I sacrificed two hours of my life to that nonsense that I'll never be able to get back...
(GARIBALDI and PICARD stare at TEAL'C a moment, then their features blur and shift; TEAL'C now finds himself facing two sunglasses-wearing Agents.)
AGENT 1 (formerly PICARD): I'm sorry, what was that you were just saying?
TEAL'C: (looking back and forth between the menacing Agents) Uh...just that this was...the BEST DAMN MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF TIME! In fact, Keanu Reeves's performance was so riveting, it's actually inspired my to change my name to Keanu! Yeah! IT'S JUST THAT GOOD! (he smiles nervously)
(Mollified, the Agents' features blur back into those of GARIBALDI and PICARD).
PICARD: Well then... (he pauses, looks at TEAL'C) You all right, there, Teal'c? You're looking a little peaked.
TEAL'C: Call me Keanu.
PICARD: (frowning in confusion) If...you say so. (turns to stare into the camera) At any rate, with action galore and lots of other spiffy things to boot, I have no problem with giving "The Matrix" four out of five stars. Michael?
GARIBALDI: Four stars from me, as well.
TEAL'C: (looking around him nervously) Five stars from me! Five all the way!
PICARD: Right, then. Until next time, I'm Jean Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: And I'm Keanu, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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